The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my friends had been battling cancer for 7 years. She and her husband were faithful Christians, always willing to help others and pray and offer support. She was always a shoulder to me to lean on. We were the same age and our boys (only children) were the same age, as well. While reflecting on her life and death today, I suddenly became overcome with sorrow but it wasn't sadness for her death. It was over things that my AH had said about her years before. He, for some reason, had issues with her illness and didn't like hearing my updates about her battle. He also said, many years ago, that she brought her illness upon herself because she had a dream about sickness just months prior. I made the mistake of telling him about her dreams and he claimed she was crazy and that she 'thought' herself into cancer. We got into a huge fight and I defended her and tried to explain to him how faithful she was in her faith and blah, blah, blah. It was ridiculous.
Anyway, I realized I was more sad about my AH and how he spoke of her than I was about her passing. She's in a better place and I am so grateful for that. It was so hard to tell my AH about her death because I was truly afraid of his reaction and what he would say. Instead, I sent him an email and he said he was sorry and that he knew I loved her. In the back of mind, though, I wanted to lay into him and tell him how awful he'd been about her and how could he understand how I felt about her because he never wanted to hear about her for the past 4 years. UGH, and now I feel more awful for feeling and thinking these thoughts, too. I just don't understand him sometimes. Of course, all the things he said about here were before he started drinking so I can't even blame booze. It's like all these memories just came flooding back of me crying and defending my dear sick friend.
I am so sorry for the loss of your special friend . I know when grief hits, it is not reasonable and old hurts can loom large. I use program tools to remind myself to leave the past in the past, celebrate the wonderful memories of the person and honor their life. it works
(((B))) you're doing good...your empathy was place on the person who deserved it...him. How good!! I also love the lessons of gratitude...looking for the good in people, places and things because that works soooo well on my spirit and I need to do the same for the alcoholics and addicts still in my life because they are not sick people doing bad, they are good people being sick; and that is a soooo much better way of looking at the picture for me...for me because I arrive at a much better spiritual, mental, emotional and physcical place. Keep the 3 cees in mind until you got'em by habit and they become a natural part of who ILD is. In support...(((((hugs)))))
I'm sorry that your friend had to suffer from such a horrible disease, but is now released from the misery of it. You knew your friend in ways that your husband did not know her. How you think about her, feel about her, gave and received love from her, the history you shared are all important to you and valid experiences of a friendship that you cherished and will continue to cherish even though her physical presence is no longer in reach. I, too, lost a friend to cancer a few years ago. She always wore scarves. Those of us at her funeral who were close to her also wore scarves that belonged to her. I still have two of them that belonged to her. They even have a stain or two that help remind me she lived and loved and brought wonder and joy into my life. Nobody's opinion of her can ever take that away from me. Nobody's opinion of your friend can take anything of value from you.
It's hard to listen to the opinions of others - especially others we love - but it is also an exercise in frustration when we try to change their minds to see things the way we do. It's one of those Step 1 things. We are just as powerless over other people's thoughts, feelings, actions and opinions as we are over their diseases and illnesses.
Blessings and peace, ILD. The way you describe your friend - I'm fairly certain that is what she'd want for you, too?
I just want to say along with others here how sorry I am that you lost your good friend. Others have expressed it so beautifully so I don't have anything else to add but wanted to support you as you grieve. (((((ILD))))))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I lost my childhood best friend at the age of 12 to cancer. She was one of the most beautiful human beings I have ever known.
My heart is with you. I also believe we sometimes need to be prepared for some things so we receive them in forms of dreams. What anyone else thinks matters not to me what is important is what I think. Sometimes our anger lashes out rather peculiar ways. So very inspiring you are leaving those feelings with your HP.
Thanks for sharing I have some letting go of some anger I held myself towards our dads for not allowing us to be together more near the end because they had an adult disagreement over a monetary issue!
I'm debating on whether to have AH come with me to the memorial service. My son doesn't want to go, he's seen enough death and funerals and services in the past 2 years of his life and I am not pushing him to go. I don't want AH to go, quite frankly, because I still have negative feelings over the things he said in the past about her. Right now, it's all I hear: his voice in my head railing against her and me defending her. This happened when my dad passed away too, all I heard was AH's negativity and crap like a record playing in my head. I hate it.
Thank you all for the condolences. I truly appreciate them, but right now I'm just putting myself through torture when I think about my AH and his past behavior. Why can't I let the past be in the past, we've got enough crap to weed through here in the present anyway.
I don't know why you can't do that - let the past be past. I am wondering what might happen if you just let your husband know that you'd like to attend the memorial service alone?
Im sorry for your loss. I recognize your feelings too. Its part of our disease to search and look for reasons why it is our A's fault. Well, I speak for myself with this one. I know that when there is some kind of crisis that causes me pain I look to my ex and I deflect my pain onto him and blame him for it. Im not sure if you feel this way but this is my experience. I too recently lost a friend, she was only 42 and one of the nicest people I have ever met, so I know your pain. Take care.x
Just a thought...is it possible he reacted that way to her illness out of fear rather than contempt? Perhaps the idea of terminal illness was frightening to him and by making it "her own fault" it protected him from the possibility that he himself or his loved ones could be vulnerable to such a thing? My ex-husband used to react to illness and disasters that way.
Not trying to play devil's advocate, that was just the first thing that occurred to me.
Also, I am sorry for your loss.
Melly, we discussed these issues in depth in the past and yes, there is fear there but it's not about others. It's about himself and how he thinks no one will come to his side if he were ill and how his family is so disjointed and not there for him, etc. He also didn't want to hear updates about my son's friend who was sick with leukemia and when his friend died my son said, "Don't tell dad because he'll just say GOOD anyway." Even my 14 year old gets that dad is sick and doesn't know how to handle this stuff. I had to tell AH in marriage counseling what our son said and that the boy had died and the therapist's jaw dropped to the ground. It's sad honestly. My son referenced an episode my husband had when my dad was getting closer to death and my AH was screaming at me and laying into me about how I shouldn't care about my trash father and how his abusiveness was awful and how he didn't understand why I cared about him(my dad) at all and that death was what he deserved, etc. Anyway, my 14 year old heard the whole thing and saw me slip to the floor in tears. He now fears telling his father anything like this and, obviously so do I, since I had to email the information to him instead of face to face conversation. I guarantee it's about fear, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. Just like with any of our behaviors or character defects, they can be dealt with if we face them and my AH isn't ready to face much of anything these days.
Sorry ILD, that was the "peacemaker" in me, always trying to explain someone else's side of the story when I don't even know them!!
It sounds very frustrating.
Big hugs.
This really hits a nerve with me, as I remember my AH yelling at me after my mother died. He caught me crying and flew off the handle. "If you were godly you'd be fine with it and you wouldn't be crying! You wouldn't be snuffling like a moron!" Wha?? He's criticizing me for not being "godly," whatever he means by that, when he was the one who used to go on rants against religion? Of course what it was was just blaming me for being sad, because he didn't want any demands on him. But right after my mother died, I could have used a little human kindness -- if he couldn't be sympathetic, at least he could have left me alone and not said anything. At the time I thought this was "insensitive." Now I think it was abusive.
And still I stayed with him. After that and the thousand other things. I was so fragile that I thought if I had to cope with one more thing, I'd fall apart.
But there's a reason I haven't forgotten it. Because I think it expresses something very important about what I can rely on him for. He doesn't "get" death or sadness -- my own opinion is that it's part of the Asperger's. He finds any emotion on the part of someone else baffling and infuriating. I am sorry that I exposed myself to it.
ILD, I have derailed your thread, but this is just to say that in my experience, realizing that his reaction is way out of whack is healthy. I hope you'll go to the service however you want to, which sounds as if it would be without him. I'm so sorry about your friend's death. Take care of yourself.
