The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
WELCOME. I AM GLAD THAT YOU HAVE TAKEN THE FIRST STEP IN YOUR RECOVERY. THIS IS INDEED A DIFFICULT SITUATION AND I TOO WOULD RECOMMEND THAT YOU BEGIN TO ATTEND ALANON FACE TO FACE MEETINGS IN YOUR COMMUNITY.
ALCOHOLISM IS A DREADFUL, PROGRESSIVE, FATAL, DISEASE THAT CAN BE ARRESTED BUT NEVER CURED. WE WHO LIVE WITH THE DISEASE BECOME ILL by ATTEPMTING TO FIX IT WHEN WE ARE POWERLESS OVER IT.
ALANON OFFERED ME NEW TOOLS TO LIVE BY AND AN UNDERSTANDING OF MY RESPONSIBILITIES TO MYSELF THAT I NEVER HAD BEFORE.
I URGE YOU TO ATTEND AND KEEP COMING BACK HERE YOU ARE NOT ALONE
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 14th of October 2013 12:35:59 PM
I have typed this first sentence 4 times now..nothing seems to make sense when I put what I am thinking into words. My thoughts are a mess, my concentration is shot. My patience is nearly gone. I came here mostly for a safe place to let it out and hope to rescue my sanity.
I'm not sure where to begin. My husband is an alcoholic. Not a violent drunk. Usually a happy one, but it doesn't take much for the happiness to disappear and be replaced with a sarcastic, superior, condescending, insulting a-hole attitude.
We separated for a few months. During that time he chose to go to our local addictions foundation and seek help. He had been sober for a couple of months and we decided to bring our family back together and try again. Well, looking back now, I don't think he really was sober. Probably a week after we got back together, he started heavily drinking again. It has been 3 weeks, and there have been 2 nights where he hasn't bothered to come home at all. Of course as far as he says to me, he's not drinking at all. As if I don't notice that the bedroom smells like the bottom of a barrel in the mornings...I am completely sickened. I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I love my husband. I very much want my family to be together and happy. I realize that I cannot make that happen while he remains in denial or just doesn't care about his drinking. And really, even if he was sober, I cannot make it happen on my own.
BUT...our situation is a little more complicated than just having a child and my trouble letting go and moving on. My husband is not from here. He came here on a student visa. We met, married, and shortly after we returned from our honeymoon, began the process of spousal sponsorship. Well that has been approved. I am now responsible to support him for 3 years after he receives his permanent residency. Which has not happened yet. He is currently in college. We are still on waiting lists for daycare. The only job I have been able to find in the last 2 years is only able to give me 8 hours a week in the evenings. If I were to leave, I would need to go on assistance..I am okay with that. It would provide me the opportunity for more education and a chance to further myself to have a stable career to care for my son. If I go on assistance, I am no longer supporting my husband and his application gets denied and he will likely have to leave the country. So where do I go from here? I am at a complete loss.
Welcome to the MIP board where you will find much support and love. We all know what you are going through as the disease of alcoholism looks the same everywhere. Begin your recovery by finding a local al anon meeting and committing to at least 6 meetings. The only choice you need to make right now is the next right step for your road to sanity....the answers to the many questions of what you can do for your future will come by being with others who have found peace through the 12 steps. Read through the many posts here, research the disease of alcoholism, look up codependency...learn learn learn. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
Take care of yourself right now and dont think about what might happen to your husband. It doesnt seem to be a priority to him, otherwise he would choose recovery and sobriety.
Hope you will attend Alanon meetings and find the solutions for you and your child. Your HP will assist you in finding where you and your husband should be at this time. Everything always works for the best, hand it over.
I am with the others. You wanted a safe place to vent and seek support. The boards are a good start but a face to face meeting in your town is even better.
He made poor choices. You can try to be supportive and help him become a US citizen, but if he chooses to throw it away bydrinking, that's his poor choice. I think I'd check with an attorney to see if I was legally responsible for him since you signed that paper. I am not familiar with the laws of such a document.
I was speaking with a work mate this afternoon and telling them what my sponsor in Al-Anon told me years ago about correcting my life. He told me "where you find out you have made a serious mistake; it is your responsibility to go back an correct it or continue to live with the consequences which are not of your liking". I had married an alcoholic/addict, knowing that she was an alcoholic/addict and also knowing that the outcome would be bad. I had been married to an addict before her and this was a duplicate. Part of my "changing it" was getting into the Al-Anon Family Groups as has been suggested already. There are hundreds of thousands in the rooms of Al-Anon that know how to change the things they can and therefore get a more liveable life. Keep coming back here often. We do not owe an Alcoholic sobriety especially if they deny themselves it. We do owe ourselves serenity...peace of mind and soul. (((((Hugs)))))
Take care of yourself right now and dont think about what might happen to your husband. It doesnt seem to be a priority to him, otherwise he would choose recovery and sobriety.
Hope you will attend Alanon meetings and find the solutions for you and your child. Your HP will assist you in finding where you and your husband should be at this time. Everything always works for the best, hand it over.
Hugs, Bettina
I sure can't add anything to this "to the point and spot on share" so I will just say WELCOME and hope u stay and give alanon and ALL the suggested things to work a serious try......it does work......if ya work it...........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome...First and foremost without a doubt you need to take care of YOURSELF and your child/children... If he really wants to stay in this country he needs to grow up. Staying in this country is his job not yours, if he continues drinking he will suffer the consequences. My question is how are you going to support someone on 8 hrs a week? When he completes his degree he has to leave the US unless of course you marry him. He has to remain a full time student during his stay and cannot be academically disqualified. If he is drinking and does not intend on getting help, Id have to say a return to his country may be a good wakeup call for him. Please take care of yourself, look into the Alanon Program. You don't have to live in misery, be good to yourself you deserve it. .....in suppport OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Its great that you've joined us here, you will find lots of people who understand the craziness of living with an alcoholic and lots of encouragement to make sure that you take care of yourself and your child. I hope you find alanon face to face meetings as well. Just seeing and feeling the atmosphere of loving acceptance (and quite a lot of fatigue!) helped me to recognise where I was standing and to simplify my choices (which I was very surprised to discover that I had ). It is not easy, but it is rewarding.
Well it's been a rough few days over here. Thank you all for your kind and encouraging replies. It's definitely a comfort knowing I'm not as alone as it feels.
He is out again tonight. I feel awful for preparing myself to be woken up by stumbling and slurring at 4 am. I feel like I should have more faith. But isn't the best predictor of future behavior, past behavior? With no willingness on his part to accept and make changes, I feel resigned and drained. And then bitter that I have become resigned to living this life.
I am going this week to my first AlAnon meeting. I'm very nervous.
Hi, Bobbi: I'm glad you are going to an Al-Anon meeting. Its like all new things, we're nervous because we don't know what to expect. You'll be just fine. You don't have to talk. Just listening is fine with us. I used to sleep in a different room from my husband after awhile. I got tired of being awakened unpleasantly and realized I didn't have to sleep in the same room as him. He didn't like it at first, but I took the smaller bed in a room in the house and let him have our queen size bed. That made him happy. It made me happy to sleep without interruption. I needed my sleep. I did what I could to take care of myself. He was in no shape to care for me. Keep coming back, Bobbi. You're not alone.
). It is not easy, but it is rewarding.