The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've received a number of messages asking if I am OK (I am), or if I am angry, offended or upset by responses to a post I wrote a few days ago. (I'm not).
Basically after a couple of days of no food or sleep and miserable feelings, I wrote a post and immediately after, re-read it, decided that it was a pointless vent and that I was not in a good state of mind to be sharing, so I deleted it.
When I logged on the next day I was pretty dismayed to see that the post was still there and there were a lot of replies, people had tried to understand and be helpful, and there was some stuff which I did not agree with. I tried a few times to write a response but I found I was going in circles trying to explain myself and getting annoyed and feeling defensive, which is not what I come here for so in the end, I just erased it. Thank-you to whoever deleted the rest of the thread for me as I don't seem to be able to do that myself (I can edit some of my posts, not all, but I cannot delete it seems).
For the record, I wasn't trying to cover anything up, or hide, I was not upset with anyone and I appreciate what everyone shares here. I ended up quite sick, it turns out I did not just feel sick because I had the miseries but an awful stomach bug and have spent the last couple of days with my head in a bucket, just yuk. Also had to make an 8 hour train and bus trip in that state on Friday; I'd go as far as to say it was one of the most horrid experiences I've ever had! (For my fellow travellers also).
So, I haven't said anything since then because I've just not felt well enough.
I'm quite OK, and thanks all for the concern and support.
Glad your back Melly. I understand where your coming from. I have felt that way like 'these people are not getting what Im saying' or 'they just dont understand what I mean' I think it is part of the process of becoming aware of your own truth. Living with alcoholism meant I had constructed my own truth about my life, its a survival technique which for me was very deep rooted. When the wall came tumbling down I was quite shocked to see how much of my life and my families life was not based on the facts but my interpretation of the facts.
Il never forget my first meeting - a wise old timer said as blunt as you like - 'the pity party is over now'. For me that is such a revelation. Alanon means we lead a more honest life - we work at becoming aware , then accepting then comes the action. Its not an easy process but ironically when you let the truth in you find you spend more time searching for it and being more wary about building up those walls. Its kind of like accepting life on life's terms, you know not sugar coating things into our own fantasies but just seeing things for what they are. Its such a gift that I know I successfully avoided my whole life until now.
The people here would hand you that gift if they could but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. It comes through dis-ease with ourselves, rejection of the process, kicking out against it. Keep coming back, come with an open mind, you will here what you need to hear over time and it may not be what you want to hear either but it comes from a place of experience and kindness. Take care.x
Thank you so much for the update. We need you just as much as you need us. I have found that our posts help others in so many ways. The stories and ESH we give and take are a very important part of the healing process. Many times I think I shouldn't post because I'm just repeating the same hurt and feelings over and over and I'm not moving forward...but you know that's not true. I learn from each and every post TO move forward just one day at a time. Progress not perfection as they say..so I will continue with my progress.
As you have come to know MIP is a great place and so many good and wonderful people here and the ESH is the best around. So keep coming back because I am no matter what happens. I need MIP and I will not give it up for nobody...not even myself.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((((Melly))))...hope that bug is gone for good. Got one myself and it's got hooks in me...won't let go without a fight. Taking care of myself and hunkering down. My PTSD is raging...didn't get more thant 1.5+ hours of sleep last night inspite of the sleep aids (legal). I don't drink anymore and don't smoke mind and mood altering vegetation either. Had to lay real still and very relaxed and get whatever I could...not enough and then grateful it was and is what it was and is. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Also, just to set the record straight.
My daughter doesn't live in some sort of abusive hell that she is desperate to escape from. Nor do I neglect her, put my own emotional needs first or have trouble "thinking like a mother".
My initial decision to move to the beach with the A (although emotional) seemed very sound; we moved from the very small inner-city flat that I rented (in a neighbourhood where I couldn't even allow her to walk to the letterbox unsupervised) to a huge house with a big yard and a street full of kids riding bikes and climbing trees and generally living the way kids should. When things got bad, it was her happiness, friends, lovely little school and recovery from her illness that stopped me from running home to stay at my mothers and start again, even though I desperately wanted to. In fact I agonised over it. It was factor NO 1. She was happy and thriving and I didn't want to take that away from her.
I have stated before that she has very little contact with the A, and he treats her now in a friendly an civil manner, after I told him in no uncertain terms some time ago that I would not tolerate him making her life miserable or driving her to leave home early, as I did at 15. (My step-dad was also of the critical and heavy-handed approach, although he is not a drunk). He's also not abusive towards me in her presence. (He was early on, he has not been since my mandate). He seems to maintain this even when very drunk and I find this interesting as it suggests he has a lot more control over his behaviour than he portrays. (He also behaves in a friendly and jovial manner when in the presence of his friends or family members, even when he is falling-down-drunk. Go figure). It is when she is away at her fathers or out with friends that it becomes open season on Mel.
Further, I have broached the topic of moving with her several times and she insists she loves it here and doesn't want to move. She doesn't perceive a particular problem and at worst considers the A to be annoying and rolls her eyes when he is being painful. She remembers how awful he used to be, knows that he is sick and she is often very kind towards him, taking time to offer him food or share something funny she has found. If he is rude, she says something polite ("OK, thanks anyway") and walks away (and then rolls her eyes and says something rude about him to me). She treats unkind children and bullies the same way; her teacher even commented on how "cool, calm and collected" she is is a crisis. So maybe I have taught her something worthwhile.
This is not to suggest that she doesn't know that I am mistreated nor that I think he is a positive roll-model for her or that living with him is good for her. I don't want or need to get into a debate about that. This is simply to clear up the misconception that she is being abused, witnessing abuse or living in some kind of dangerous and traumatic environment and I am too lifeless and selfish to care or do anything about it. Because that isn't how it is. There are a lot of factors that have made it hard for me to arrive at the decision to walk out the door and take up living out of a suitcase. Most of them involve her, and the fact that she has a pretty happy life where we are. Packing up our stuff, moving 3 hours away, sharing a tiny room together a Grandma's house and taking the dog and cat to the shelter aren't things I am going to enjoy doing to her. And at this point, I can't afford to do anything else although I have been investigating options. Rents have increased drastically since I rented on my own, and my income has gone down.
What I discuss here is my emotions and struggles with myself, living with an A (and you can make A stand for Alcoholic or Addict or Abuser or Adolf Hitler). None of that means I don't care for my child or put her welfare first.
Thank you for validating yourself and explaining your ideas and principles. Communicating is a key to recovery and seeing reality and owning it so very important
Thanks, Melly. I read everything you wrote. Thanks for the share. BTW, I hope you're feeling better now? Being as sick as you stated in your first post is no fun and traveling sick is even harder.
Hi melly. I didn't mean to offend you when I said think like a mother. The thread is gone so I can't see the context. I meant use the love you clearly have for your child to free yourself. Im sorry if you felt ill will or judgement. Trust me. I am in no position to judge anyone. I will own Up to being ffrustrated reading your posts. The words you read from all of us come from a loving place.x
Glad you like the new avatar, Melly. He just popped up when I was searching for a colorful photo and seemed to say pick me, pick me! When I noticed what appeared to be a helmet on his head, I couldn't resist my new signature that so represents what happens inside me sometimes.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 14th of October 2013 04:29:20 PM
Love the new pic G2B. It gives me giggles. I need to find a good one I don't like having my own picture on here for more than a brief time, just in case, ya know?
It was important for me to clarify that my daughter's environment isn't crazy and terrifying because I grew up in crazy and terrifying and always swore I'd never allow the same for my child. So if I'm hyper-sensitive about it...well, I just am. I'd not ever want her to grow up as I did, and when I see how confident, sweet and caring she is it makes me feel like maybe I am doing some things right. Before I had her, I was a miserable self-destructive party-girl- booze, drugs, clubs. When I learned that she existed, I changed so much so fast; she was this precious amazing gift that I didn't think I deserved and I wanted to bring her into something good. I've not done it perfectly or even particularly well but I gave it my all and it's maybe the only thing I'm truly proud of. So yeah, I get pretty defensive if I perceive I'm being told I'm doing a bad job. Recently I went to her school concert. There are a group of girls in her class that are absolutely horrible to her and they had no qualms about teasing her right in front of me! I couldn't believe it, nasty creatures. But my girl just sort of waved them away as if they were mosquitos and greeted her actual friends in such a warm and enthusiastic way. I didn't know if I teared up because she was being teased or because I was so proud of her. She marches to her own drum, no doubt about that.
el-cee, do you mean all of my posting has caused frustration or just the ones since I got a bit more real about how abusive A can be? I guess I was using the board a little as a journal to keep track of how things really are instead of letting myself constantly forget the bad times and grab on to the good ones as if there is a new hope and everyone is cured. I maybe didn't consider enough how that might come across to others and I apologise for that.
I am feeling better, thanks all. Wow that was a nasty bug though; I don't remember feeling that ill since the day after my 21st birthday! But you know how after being really sick, when you start to feel better it's such a relief to feel well that you just feel invincible and fantastic...I feel a bit like that right now. I even worked out today...it's been a while since I could say that.
Your daughter sounds amazing...when we see how they react in public situations, as she did, we know we have done well in contributing to their self esteem in a positive way.
Hi Melly, You sound like a brilliant mother with a lovely little girl. When I say frustrated I do get like that often on this forum, I had a break for a while due to this feeling. I think its when you read of someones suffering, for me I feel it maybe a bit too intensely perhaps and I want things to change for them and right now!!! It is something for me to work on and is nothing to do with the person who is posting. Everyone's recovery happens at their own pace but Im impatient I want them all to have it right now.lol. You sound much better and although we may have gotten off to a rocky start I hope you will still use this forum in the way that helps you. Maybe we can be friends, we may be miles apart but we have lots in common already.x
I considered that we were already friends el-cee . I don't expect my friends to always agree with or placate me, although like many of us here, I have my buttons wired a little wrong lol.
And thanks to all, your support is so valuable.
I set up a little mini home-gym today- of course I have far greater concerns than simply getting in shape but even 15 minutes of exercise in the middle of the day when my concentration is flagging and I feel tempted to stop studying and start mindless activies (or napping) seems to do wonders. Exercise also helps me smoke less as I find it's more fun when I don't collapse on the floor coughing and gasping for air.
Now if, can only start getting myself to bed at a decent hour. These are small adjustments but they have huge effects.
I don't like having my own picture on here for more than a brief time, just in case, ya know?
