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My AH moved out a couple weeks ago saying he is severly depressed and has had very little contact with me. Following the program and attending f2f meetings. I feel like I'm doing pretty good for the most part. I've been going to my daughters soccer games where the AH shows up and stands right next to me and acts as if everything is fine and we are not having problems. I have not been contacting AH unless I absolutely have too. I know he has been coming into the house while I'm not there to do laundry and what not but it seems like he only comes to the house when I'm not there to avoid me, I'm assuming this is because of all the guilt he is caring. So it is Friday night and I'm at home with my daughter watching movies. I'm doing pretty good today considering it is the weekend and this is where I struggle with our separation. Who shows up and let himself if, yep the AH. I ask what he is doing and he tells me he is there to check on his mail that has been here for a week and has been in plain sight for the last few times he has been in the house when I haven't been here. I ask him if he wants to watch the movie which he tells us no he is going to the gym. He acts extremely happy talking to my daughter, surprising for someone who is severly depressed. Every time I talk to him he sounds so worn out and sad and to everyone else he acts so happy. He has told almost no one of our separation like it is a big secret, but I guess then would come the questions of why that he would have to answer and he has already told me that his leaving is 95% his fault and that it isn't me. Why does he have to mess with me like this especially when I was actually doing so well tonight. I don't know why he stopped by but I'm sure it wasn't for the mail but I also think he didn't know I was here. So frustrated..... I had my serenity earlier I need to get it back and stop giving it away!
Might need to do some lesson work on boundaries with your literature, your sponsor and your home group. Boundaries are awesome. I get to mark out my side of the street and set policy as to how, when and why they are crossed by others...especially the addict/alcoholic. Keep coming back...Your serenity isn't very far away...my guess. You sound good. ((((hugs))))
((Mongowal)) Detaching, boundaries, and letting go takes so much practice, so please be gentle with you. Yes, the "big secret" to avoid responsibility of the damage of aftermath left in the disease's wake- if he closes his eyes, then he don't see it... If things were that simple or easy. My exAH spent a long time like that, hoping that things could return to something good even as the disease progressed. I was weak with boundaries because I wanted to buy into his fantasy of ignoring the horror of reality and not do the work that was needed because I was afraid of having to deal with more pain. I was afraid of change. Things started improving for me when I started working the steps with a sponsor, did HALT check points through out the day, and called someone from the Alanon list as needed.
You're all right, I need to set some boundaries, what those are I have no idea. I have been minding my own business and following my program and trying to have faith to follow what my HP has planned for me. I feel fairly calm inside most of the time and it has been such a great feeling. It throws me for a loop when he is so depressed that I know he has no feelings for anyone or anything, but then he shows up out of the blue. He did it again this morning to talk about fixes that need to be made to the cars. I am completely baffled and confused as he could have just called or sent a text, which is what he has been doing for the last two weeks. Why is he stopping by now. It's not like he is showing any sort of feelings and our conversations are very short and neutral, he is still very cold. I'm hoping and praying that he is not doing this to continue his sick mind games he likes to play with me. We have only separated and it is still technically his house too plus we have both stated that once (of if) he gets help that we will work on us later. I don't have a lot of faith that he will even go to counseling, but I pray that he does for his own mental health. I just do not understand the logic or thought process, and I know it is nearly impossible to understand the logic of an active alcoholic. I do have my serenity back today and look forward to a good and busy weekend. I hope you all have a good weekend as well. Thanks again for the words today, I never thought about setting any boundaries. It is something I will have to ponder.
Good. I'm glad you're pondering boundaries. Although my x and I were only separated, I changed the locks on the doors. He never questioned it. I didn't bring it up either. He just knew he couldn't enter the house. It was as if an invisible shield was put between us both - an invisible shield he never attempted to cross. This worked for me. I'm not sure its the boundary for you. It's an option to consider.
I took my keys back from my exAH when he left the first time and had him spend time with our kids away from where I was residing, it just helped me deal emotionally. Those were some of my boundaries that made me feel safe and emotionally healthy. You will figure out your own when things bother you and set boundaries accordingly. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
