The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Everybody has some kind of challenge they've been through or that their kids or grandkids are going to go through. Challenge and sorrow awaits us all. In my line of work, there are many people who appear to have it all together who have called me aside in a one-to-one conversation whose challenges and sorrows are heavier than mine. Go on that trip with your head held high, your heart wide open, and your Step 11 firmly applied to each day you're gone. (((HF))) Maybe there will be a need for you to act on the 12th step while you're gone, too?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 11th of October 2013 01:54:27 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 11th of October 2013 01:55:08 PM
I do understand. I grab on alanon slogans when I begin to start to feel like it is necessary to compare . I look at the principles behind the slogan "Compare and despair "and the other "Identify and do not compare.
Both caution against the destructive habit of comparing. I know i am comparing my insides with others outsides which definately is not a good idea. I have no idea what the truth is in anyone's life.
I can however begin to look for our common ground and identify with that part of their story. Children, empty nest, building a life when the children leave. Allowing grown up children the freedom to live their lives as they choose --- all good topics that need not reveal your children's struggle
Focus on the day in the vacation spot- Insist that you want to enjoy the time there and and leave family and problems home
It works
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 12th of October 2013 07:21:09 AM
Most of my frineds and family's children, with a few exceptions, are healthy and successful. Both of my children were cursed with this disease, my daughter is currently very active, my son toned down some with age.
I'm invited to go to vagus with 3 girlfriends, well 1 girlfriend and 2 of her girlfriends, thier children are all living a good life, ie: families, jobs, homes, cars etc. and of course, there is some bragging and sharing about their kids and grandkids. Thinking about it almost make me want to change my mind about going.
Also when I read and hear about other peoples children getting into recovery, I think, will I ever get to experience that? I know I'm powerless and God's perfect work is being done in my life, but sometime it gets really hard to hold my head up and not be ashame and sad. I ask myself why do I put myself in these circumstances? I've the same problem with meeting men, they want to talk about their children/grandchildren and I hate sharing abut my a/a daughter, I think that is why I dated my ex b/f because he used Marijuana (med. card) and drank beer, until I could some of the addicted behavior coming out.
Thank you for being here, just venting, I do need esh, I know I'm not alone in this.
Getingitright!!
__________________
Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
It has been in my own experience that the ones that brag the most have the most to hide. Jealousy is when it has become about me. I try to remind myself that these conversations occur sometimes when people are looking for attention and wish to make you jealous. AH hah....don't fall into the trap...the ones where others try to make themselves feel better by making others feel bad about themselves. ALSO sometimes it is just parents being plain and simple proud of their children without ill intention. Practice responses of "How lovely" , "That's great". Smile and wave and let it not ruin the reason you are going there with friends which is to have FUN. Don't punish yourself for something you have no control over. ;) Focus on the positive and live in the moment and use your tools :)
Have a great trip! Sounds exciting!
I can completely understand what you are feeling.. I often thought the same about my in recovery A son.. I would look at some of his friends and see them with good jobs, married, living a sober life. I always asked "where did I go wrong" ? He is home now from recovery and I walk with fear.. Because even though he maybe in a good place .. I'm not!! Your not alone.. We love our children more then we love ourselves. But as my Sponser tells me " I have to love myself more " .. I do not want to live his life I want to live my life. Many prayers. I really understand you. God bless..
Of course the people whose children are in trouble talk about it less and usually not to the general public. So there's a false impression out there that nearly everybody's children are wealthy, successful people with beautiful teeth and 2.4 children and houses with lovely lawns and have never faced any obstacles they didn't overcome beautifully. If only life worked like that.
But we don't have to keep quiet about our challenges unless we want to. I've noticed that sometimes when I confide in people, they reveal things I never knew. When I began telling more people that my H was an A, I suddenly found a bunch of my friends had had A exes or A parents or things I never knew about.
It's also useful remembering that in comparison to some people, we who have children who are still living are lucky. Children who are not paralyzed, had brain injuries, and things like that. They are our "comparator group" too, and they envy us.
Hang in there. I hope you won't forgo something fun just because of the thoughts that might come up. You deserve the fun too!
I can't compare my son to anyone else's adult children. He happens to have a terrible disease that he fights every single day of his life. I don't feel bad for myself and I don't get upset or jealous with others talking about their lives. It is what it is and I will continue to love my son for who he is and pray someday he will become a productive loving kind person again. Only thing I think about is not having a grandchild...boy would I love one to spoil rotten..lol
Man...go on that trip to Vegas. What a great time you would have. I should meet you up there then you would have a second person that's in your world.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you all for the helpful support and your e.s.h. I know I need to focus on my al-anon tools, for some reason I seen to get stuck with this, I'll keep trying. Someday I hope I can speak about this disease as I would any other disease without the shame and with as much compassion. I know no one chooses to become addicted to alcohol or drugs and all the hell that comes with it.
I'm looking forward to a great trip!!
Gettingitright!!
__________________
Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
We don't choose to be affected by it either, HF. We don't have to hang our heads in shame or blame ourselves for a progressive disease that we are powerless over, didn't cause, can't control, can't cure - even if we are mothers. And - it doesn't matter what others think about us - it only matters what we think about us.
Our culture sees success as having a good job, making a lot of money, college degrees, staying young forever(insanity), and looking good. I say - big deal. There is more to being human than academics, buying stuff, looking good and believing eternal body youth is something to aspire to.
Let me be a friend and have a friend or two with compassion, honesty and wisdom to share - none of which academics, looking good, youthful bodies and buying stuff can offer - and life vibrates within me and around me. I value time spent with people who are real - not just successful as our culture defines success.
I've gone to open AA meetings and felt like I've been in the company of friends. I've gone to cocktail parties and felt like I'm in the company of actors. One group helps me experience my humanity. The other group helps me experience my desire to go away and stay away.
Enjoy yourself, HF. You have nothing to feel ashamed of nor to explain or defend or to justify just because your kids are sick. And your friends have nothing to brag about either. Our culture misses a lot about itself that is nutso and inhumane. AA and Al-Anon help show some of us a way back to our real human selves and out of being subhuman or superhuman. Glad you're on this journey with us, HF.
I'm guessing that my mom tells people of her therapist son...not that I was a trainwreck drunk. She spent more time talking about my lawyer sister and my electrical engineer sister then. Like others stated, you aren't hearing all the backstory with these folks. Plus, recovery for your kids will come on their time and God's. My parents are pleased with some of the changes I've made in the last five years, but there is nothing they could do to bring those about. I had zero insight into what my alcoholism was doing to my parents. I thought it was only hurting me and it was my business. It actually hurts to read things like this cuz this is what my selfish addiction did to my parents also for almost twenty years. On the other hand, it helps me to not go back so thank you HF. If you don't see your ESH helping your own kids just now, believe it is helping others cuz it helps me a lot.
