The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted I went to go see my son and he ended up coming home with me.. Well it's been since Sunday and he has worked with his Sponser every day also he is now a secretary for one of our local aa places and his Sponser had him helping another young kid detox and once the young kid detoxed my son dropped him off at the Salvation Army and this morning my son goes to check on this young kid and they told my son he left. Well 3 huge responsibilities my son took on in such a short time home plus he got to see his daughter yesterday and to him he said this is why I got cleaned and god is using me to help others. I ask him and my Sponser and his Sponser if this is all to much being that today marks 5 months if everything clean. They all 3 said if anything your son wants to be guided by the gift god gave him. Well to share with all you.. I am walking with such scare, fear, anxiety that because I can not forget the past of what I seen and went through with my son. My Sponser is working close with me. I still plan on moving my son with a female roommate 7 houses from me in our rental. I gave him the car he worked for when he was dry. Every one says have faith if he wanted to do anything you have no control.. I'm want to get to the point where I don't need to make up a reason to call him because truly I'm calling to check on him. Any words god bad or indifferent may help. God bless!:)
Gaby: It is good to know that you recognize your true motive for calling him. I'm going to ask you to consider putting yourself in your son's shoes. How would you feel if you knew somebody was calling you to make sure you're doing what they want you to do because they don't trust you, don't trust your program work, don't trust that you'll ever change, don't trust what you mean what you say even though you're doing what you say? How would you feel if your son was calling your sponsor to check up on you and ask if you are doing too much considering the fact you've only been clean and working on your sobriety for 5 months?
Is this really what you want to do with your life? Is it really the kind of love you want to extend to your son? I don't need any answers to my questions. I've had to ask myself some of those same kinds of things in my lifetime. I want to share those questions with you if they can be any help to you in letting go, Gaby, and truly letting HP work things out with you and work things out with your son in HP's way and timing.
I liked my Mom calling. I knew she was checking up. She had a right to. I put her through hell. I was happy to reassure her every day if that was what she wanted. She deserved it. It was the least I could *begin* to do. I didn't tell her I knew - I didn't tell her to stop - I didn't say a thing about it at all other than "I love you - thanks for calling". When God graced her with serenity to let go - and she was ready to stop checking in each week - I called her instead.
Not saying it must play out like this for you - just my experience.
If your son is truly taking this program by the horns - he will likely be working at a living amends towards his parents and all those he hurt.
I am now diligent about calling/visiting/writing/being grateful/being kind/saying I love you, etc. to my parents - all the things missing for 8 yrs while I was ripped to shreds by alcoholism.
My son would have rebelled and probably did if I showed too much interest in his recovery program. It felt like smother love to him. I learned to let him tell me what he wanted to share when he was active in recovery for about 2 years. But, that was my experience with my grown son.
You all make so much sense..I love him and I do not want to smother him and I know I need to work on me.. I wish at times that he would be the one calling maybe.. I just need to work on me and I see him very humble.. Maybe I have took my recovery by its horns.. I really am.. There are just a lot of damage still there and he tells me to work on me that he knows he is fine today. Thank you all and I am taking it all in.
What I loved about your first post, Gaby, is that you openly shared your motivation in calling your son. That took a lot of genuine listening to yourself and a lot of willingness to be honest with yourself, too. Changes for me in relationship to my children that I needed to make really came best when I could honestly look at choices I was making and the reasons why I was making them. That is focusing on you. That is checking your motivations. And you humbly asked or genuine feedback and listened to it, too. What you decide to do is up to you, but I certainly see you've
made a lot of progress since you first started posting, sister. It's not easy, but we do, one day at a time. (((G)))
Hard to let a HP take over for a mom's worrying is it not Gaby! My son is in another country and gets in touch about once a week. However, I am looking at his facebook page and thinking that, despite what he SAYS to me on skype,things are not going all that well and he is back with a heavy drinking crowd. His father wants me to email him every day but I will not do that any more. He is going to do what he is going to do and apparently I cannot stop it, cannot help it and cannot made a bit if difference in his choices. So I am detached a bit more emotionally than I should be perhaps but the other way was killing me. We have told him that it will do no good coming to us for financial help again because all the money we have thrown at him trying to 'give him a new start' has just allowed him to continue in his old impulsive ways. It's his life and he is living it the way he wants to but it is also our life and we are in our senior years and have to take care of us for a change. I just find it ironic that it is his dad, who has had a drinking addiction, is the one who will continue enabling him despite what he says while I, who has always hated the effects and pain that alcoholism causes and subsequently do not drink at all, am the one who has finally HAD it with my only, beloved son.
I'm finding that after I let go and stopped my fear and worry that he saw/read or heard every single day...he now does communicate to me calls/email. I don't need to check up/ call. If and when I do it will be for just normal communication or something I need or invites maybe. I want to go back to the normal way of life of a mother talking to their adult son.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
