Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

So now what?

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

I have learned, with us anyway. And my situation is a little different, we live with dry drunk. But I too just want to ignore him and not talk and I do at times (right or wrong). BUT, I have learned it makes things worse, meaning, brings out their guilt and shame more causing negative (more negative) reaction to that behavior. I found when I feel like that to stay neutral, not lovey lovey but not at beeeeotch either and I kind of feel him out for his mood and mold into that? Because him and I BOTH feed off each others reactions I found this works best for me anyway, keeps me in check and my actions or reactions seem to drive his mood. Some days I feel like I hate him, but I fight to stay right in the middle............ Does this make sense?

Take care :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD

I agree staying detached and neutral is the best approach . Program has taught me to examine my motives, treat everyone with courtesy and respect , to stay on my side of the street. and to defuse my anger and resentment by prayer and calling an alanon member

Glad you shared here. Stay in the moment and in the day.

I found that prayers for serenity and wisdom never go unanswered

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, absolutely and that is what I usually do, too. I'm just worn out from the crap right now and I feel that I should follow my grandmother's mantra, "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all." LOL, yep, that would be about right. I know he's probably filled with his shame and guilt but I know that if we talk I'll hear lies and justifications and denial and I am so tired of all that crap that I feel keeping my mouth shut is probably best. If I open up to him in conversation I might get an apology but I will also get all the other alcoholic BS that goes with it and I'm just not in the mood to hear it anymore. Yet, I struggle with ignoring the fact that an incident occurred and I have to remind myself that living with an alcoholic is NOT normal and therefore, I can't expect a normal response. So, maybe it is best ignored? Thankfully I have a lot going on this weekend so I can be out of the house quite often! I think he's traveling again next week for work, too.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Good idea ILD

Keep taking care of you You are so worth it

islandtime · Veteran Member

Hey girls, I'm the queen of not talking. I went for months on end not saying anything I absolutely didn't have to , to AH. I also went around ignoring his existence in the house. Not being snotty or bitchy, just staying out of his world. Staying in my own little world. A hell of a way to live. I now see it as a defensive thing. Like you can't ignore me, and make me sad, cause I'm not there. i realize it was fuled on YEARS of hurt and anger. I try to not do it, and be just neutral, but I can snap back into that in second.

Example....yesterday, I spent the day shopping and had lunch with an old friend, it was a beautiful day, and I had fun, bought a few things for others, and actually bought one thing for me, for a change. As soon as I got home it was obvious Ah was doing what he does best, and I snapped into lockjaw node. It is so hard to not do, I try not to hate anybody ( bad karma) but wow it's all I can do not to hate him. And yeah, I know I should hate the disease, not the person. But when we tries to see how much he can drink just to rub it in my face, It's hard.

I'm a work in progress, as we all are :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I know you know what I am going to say.

This is all about you. He is doing what he always does so what is the big surprise? You live with a porcupine, you gonna react every dang time you get poked by a spine?

We accept them as is and do our best to detach and go on with our lives, not allowing theirs to bother us.

Or we keep it as is continue to be tore up, mad, disappointed, complaining, and allowing it to ruin our lives.

Or we leave or they do. simple.

Why say anything? What makes you want to give it any attention at all? Its like being mad at a fish who will flap back into water, or a cat catching a mouse.

ITS HIS NATURE!!!! It cannot be changed, so what are WE going to do? What makes one allow a disease make us insane?

LIfe does not have to be this way, it is not the norm.

Its like being mad at the dog you are teaching not to chew things up, and you left your slippers on the floor, and they get chewed. Not the dogs fault, its his nature.

Ok you can get mad at me now, but I will love you anyway! (c: debilyn

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Debilyn, I had already decided I will be cordial and not mention it. There's no point to it and I already know what I'm dealing with so why bother right. I actually just wrote him a letter today, which I may or may not give to him. I wrote of wanting God to grant him peace and joy and how I pray those things for him. I wrote about how wonderful it would be if we could both grow up and become spiritually and emotionally mature and I told him what it would take for him to do so. I didn't condemn, I just stated the facts. I told him I will pray for him and that I know change is hard but it's up to him to want to change because I'm not changing back (which is what he wants basically) so he is welcome to come along and grow with me. I'm going to run the letter by my sponsor when I call her tonight. For now, I'm doing OK, because really I didn't expect any different from him so once I knew he was alive, my anxiety went away, LOL!

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings ILD,

I find least said soonest mended works (or perhaps least said least broken is nearer the mark!). It is taking a bit of practice but life seems to be a bit more peaceful for me that way.

I have also mentioned to AH that if he wants my company I would appreciate it if he treated me well and considered me like he would a new girlfriend. It doesn't happen of course but it does help me to behave more like someone whose own time is valuable and who deserves to be appreciated.

I try to be as thoughtful to AH as I would to a work colleague and I try to remember that AH has quite a bit on his plate. Since my plate is relatively sparse (from too much time wasted worrying) I'm having fun experimenting with new things. When we do have a nice time together it is nice but my own learning curve means that the good times create their own dis-ease which I think is to do with my lack of trust and my fear of things going wrong so I'm learning not to let that behaviour lead me to a flare up. Not easy to avoid shaking the tree sometimes!!

Have a great weekend.

-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 11th of October 2013 11:14:16 AM

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I have written letters to my A, given articles to read, found professionals for help, given meeting schedules, begged, hated, and cried. Last was the ultimatum, I'm leaving if you don't get into recovery. A is in recovery for me and so I see little change. But I am changing. I'm working this program. I feel better. And I think you know exactly what to do-stay busy, take care of yourself, be with people that treat themselves and you with respect. Heck, you can even start you holiday shopping! Your life has to be about you inspite of the A. And that is the path to freedom and peace, Lyne

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

H my my I have written so many letters and emails, printed professionals for help, gave meeting schedules, begged, hated, cried. you name it! I think I tried everything under the sun LOL My theorist said to STOP! He is only going to listen for about 20 mins per important convo and if it is about him or his addiction 10 mins if that! So he has me make a schedule with Tom, pick a night(s) and timeframe we want to talk and I do quick bullet points and ask for his response when I am done (and I write this down and it goes in my journal. It really did make a difference and he says after each TALK, we had a good talk huh. And sometimes he wants to talk longer and or elaborates.... and sometimes he says.. I AM DONE I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW. And he allowed a couple of those but he can't do that every time.....

I am not saying anything has changed as far as him going back to AA BUT it helps and it helps me..... because his dry drunk has just about ruined us, we are in couples therapy as well.... so he feel extra overwhelmed, we are doing that , homework and I want him to get help......hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... it is what it is and he knows he has to do both, and one he is doing 9our therapy) the other. well............ I pray he does. He did pick up an anger management book last night. Our consoler said dry drunk or not they can still learn how to control their behavior!!! He read this book for an hour last night, longest attention span I have seen on him in over a year.

I found the more I gave him an ultimatum the worse he got. I just say ok babe, do what you feel is right, but you know what I need and I leave it alone. It might take a week or two, but I see him doing something (taking care of a bill or whatever). I also send him once a week an email or text of what I am happy or proud of (regarding him) that really has helped. He loves those and when he gets home at night, he likes to talk about it. I told our therapist I feel like I am with a child at times (how we treat our As) and he said you are, with a BIG smile.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Sorry about the typos... LOL at work hard to do here. Hope that all made sense

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.