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I am angry and disappointed - in that order. I spoke with my son this morning as we were supposed to get together today. He said he had errands to run and would not be available until late afternoon. Well, you guessed it. He never called me back as promised. He had mentioned that the back pay he received from unemployment was almost all gone. Seems he had bills to pay.
When he needed my help, he would be in contact on almost a daily basis. Now that he doesn't need my financial help and owes me money, he is making himself scarce. I refuse to be treated in a disrespectful manner - son or not.
I see things clearly now. It's all about him. Poor me. Please remind me to stay as strong as I feel right now.
When my son had money I never heard from him because it was drinking time. I heard from him when it was all gone just like you. Just like most of us.
We can't expect our adult children to be there. They have to live their lives as they see fit without our help. We raised them....now they are on their own. We detach with kindness and take care of us so not to get angry or disappointed.
Remember we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.... we have to let go let God and pray someday they will come back a healthy adult.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((Rose)) I'd keep hitting that brick wall again and again until I accepted that the lying and inconsistency is part of the disease and makes no sense. I found serenity when I stopped expecting logical responses from someone who was not thinking clearly. I also find it helps to replace the "why?" with "what for?" to keep the focus on my own thoughts and actions.. what are my next best steps...
Having expectations of an alcoholic is generally just the footwork for resentment--especially when its our children. God is the only parent our adult children need. If I get in the middle of the hot mess going on in my son's life, it may ruin HP's best made plan for him. Every time i had an expectation that my son woulda, coulda do something or be somewhere I was setting him up for failure. The A doesnt want to, need to, or intend to disappoint me. He doesnt have a choice...that's the disease of alcoholism. If I stay out of his business, there's a good chance he can make it. if I dont keep out of his biz, it guarantees he never will. My son always knew my love was without strings, conditions, or limit but bail, rent, etc etc? Nada...
grateful2be said.'Your son has actually helped you though it might not feel that way right now? He's helped you see that you can't expect him to act like a healthy adult male when he isn't a healthy adult male. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or has never cared about you, it just means he's sick and he's going to behave in sick ways. It isn't personal. It feels that way, but it really isn't. It's how the disease plays itself out until he gets into a program and works it - long-term
Rose, an active A has no moral boundaries....sad but true.
Early in his disease my son once remarked, with complete disdain, how awful it was (when it became public knowledge) that 'the village alkie' was stealing from his parents, roll the ball a couple of years on and my son was stealing from my purse, he hated his actions.... the desperation for a drink swept away all sense of morality. My re-action of berating him for it, and reminding him of what he said 2 years previously compounded his shame, didn't result in reimbursement and didn't halt the disease; I learned to adjust my thinking and took action and looked after my purse. Making healthier choices for me, changing the things I could, kept resentment out of my heart; my son saw the changes and quickly found other means to get what he needed
Acceptance, boundaries, loving detachment, reading, sharing are all serenity tools, when I fought against them my fear and resentment was rampant but if I worked it I arrived at a better place.
In support
Ness x
-- Edited by Ness on Wednesday 9th of October 2013 05:07:49 AM
I've been through the same stuff, Rose. As you can see, you're not alone. He isn't going to treat you with respect until he can treat himself with respect. Maybe that'll happen. Maybe it won't. Until it does, utilizing your anger to make changes you can make that will benefit you is about the best thing you can do to change the dynamics. In that way, you respect you enough to say no more to setting yourself up for disappointment. Respect to me is more than we sometimes learn that it is. If I see a lion in a cage - I respect that lion enough to know that if I put my hand into the cage to pet it - I'm going to get hurt. I don't mad at the lion because I can't put my hand in his cage without getting hurt. I just see he is a lion and he won't act like a domestic cat if I try to pet him. Your son has actually helped you though it might not feel that way right now? He's helped you see that you can't expect him to act like a healthy adult male when he isn't a healthy adult male. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or has never cared about you, it just means he's sick and he's going to behave in sick ways. It isn't personal. It feels that way, but it really isn't. It's how the disease plays itself out until he gets into a program and works it - long-term.
You can love your son - and hate the disease that is destroying his life - and those it's affecting who love him. I sometimes have to love at a distance. I am currently practicing that as I sit here on my couch instead of going to 'rescue' a friend who's disease is using it's last final attempts to hang on by a thread. He's lost everything this week - and yet I know it still wants his life. I don't want to see him die - so I must stay put on this couch. I sense a bottom coming, as the wife left this week, the great job is gone, the kids are gone... he's in the ER - and I need to stay put for a little while and not let him think that his recovery friend will maybe help him out of this mess - because the disease asked for help - and I had the strength to not acknowledge that disease...but it's so hard. No, I can't lend a helping hand today - I need to let him get all the way down and have no other options or choices left but to look up to the sky...
For me here... it's so painful... but letting it *possibly* be over is the absolute MOST loving thing my HP has given me strength to do and for that I am so very grateful. Thanks Alanon.
Having expectations of an alcoholic is generally just the footwork for resentment--especially when its our children. God is the only parent our adult children need. If I get in the middle of the hot mess going on in my son's life, it may ruin HP's best made plan for him. Every time i had an expectation that my son woulda, coulda do something or be somewhere I was setting him up for failure. The A doesnt want to, need to, or intend to disappoint me. He doesnt have a choice...that's the disease of alcoholism. If I stay out of his business, there's a good chance he can make it. if I dont keep out of his biz, it guarantees he never will. My son always knew my love was without strings, conditions, or limit but bail, rent, etc etc? Nada...
Note to self! This is so true.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
