The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On Friday my mother who is getting sicker now with each passing month and who won't go to Alanon or ACOA or even therapy, emailed me to cheerily say my brother and his girlfriend want my parents to visit for the weekend.
My brother has been omitting me from all plans for the past few years which is unfair to my niece and to me. (He has so much stubborn pride he hates recovery too.) I felt the familiar old pain of rejection again on Friday. The feelings of last Easter where I was manipulated out of being made aware of family plans by all of them, and the clever way it was all done, came back to haunt me.
At the same time I'm dealing with shunning and scapegoating and slander in AA still. I guess it was all too much for me.
My resentments boiled to the surface. I've been exhausted too which didnt help.
i thought about the three years I put into the Steps and how I sat with God for an hour every single day and showed Him my willingness. I thought of how much work that was and how much I had change at one point.
and then I though of how my family and so many others have done everything they can to beat my God out of me, to stop me from getting out of the role where I was always "pointed at" as the Bad One so I can't grow or recover. I thought about all the insane games I've put up with from my family and the women in AA and I just blew.
Knowing my family was all together this weekend I fired off zillions of horrific emails. I said things I can never take back. I stooped to exactly where they want me. They win. I'm sick again, they got me. what I received was nothing but stony invalidating silences of course, which I kept trying to fix with more helpless, cruel, "Hear me!!" emails.
i am scared of this dangerous spiral I'm in.
I loathe my family and the way they've made me carry their fears and shame and chaos an insanity for them all these years so they dont have to look at themselves. they are all extremely well-to-do and have enjoyed very good lives and have received the accolades of many. The chaos of my parents' arguing when I was 11...I did this work to get out of that and find serenity and stop being their scapegoat and I've gotten so sick I can't get out. Im so exhausted from carrying their stuff that I don't sleep, have all kinds of trauma and am in absolute poverty at almost 50. Where I was beautiful 3 years ago I am now beaten down and abused looking.
They have control over me through purse strings again and I have to beg for crumbs of money from my father each month...he and they know exactly what they're doing. My exhaustion prevents me from getting out from under...they win.
so everything I said was so damaging that it can never be undone...I have failed at recovery...and I see no way out.
I have shoved myself out of the family I suppose
im afraid I'm not going to make it. I see no way out and really believe I'm going to die of exhaustion and cancer from smoking to stuff trauma.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 7th of October 2013 07:22:45 AM
What they want is for me to be so sick that they can lock me away. I've been down the mental hospital road many times in the past and I never thought I'd be at a place again where I would be in that danger.
I saw on some doctor paperwork once that my mother had wanted them to do ECT on me rather than the family lift a finger to do any work or
Look at themselves.
I pray that you let go of the reaction to the madness that your family practices and that you regain the focus on your program and yourself that you have expressed here so eloquently in the past.
I'm sorry you are hurting so much, WTI. I, too, have lashed out at my family in pain and hurt at times in my life when my need to be accepted and cherished was rebuffed and discounted and I felt rejected and excluded. It felt like all had been lost at the time and the reality was that the healthy part of my being was not about to let me stay stuck in those feelings or in a family who didn't have any understanding or love to give at the time - not because of me but because of where they were at the time. Being human is a messy business for some of us. Welcome to the family of humans that we all are here. You're loved. You're wanted. You're going to be just fine. You fell off your program. Now you're reaching out for help and we're reaching back. As Betty said, you're working a 10th step now. And you know the medicine follows that one - the 11th Step - what God wants you to do now for you first - others second. (((WTI)))
Your feelings are valid. Where your family can't hear you, your sponsor can. Where your family can't validate you, your sponsor can. Where your family can't help you on the road to recovery, your sponsor can. BlueCloud
Thanks BlueCloud
I have been going to various kinds of Alanon meetings now but only about 2 a week.
I'm afraid to ask anyone to sponsor me in Alanon because I am also an alcoholic and perhaps they might secretly hate me.
But after reading Hope For Today today and after what happened this weekend I do believe it is time to pray
and stay open to who I see in the rooms.
Your feelings are valid. Where your family can't hear you, your sponsor can. Where your family can't validate you, your sponsor can. Where your family can't help you on the road to recovery, your sponsor can. BlueCloud
Oh I LOVE this b/c I have my "go to sponsor" and boy did she save me from a lot of stress when I was separating , one by one, from my abusive family members......the abuse I suffered as a child and on going abuse after till i was old enough to flee, well the stress broke me down in 1970...i had a mental breakdown.....and thus the being on medication for my ptsd and my gen. anxiety disorder.......they (older siblings) when I got into recovery were hoping I would just break down, and either kill myself or end up institutionalized.....i did neither....I came forward about the abuse, its aftermath and my subsequent bad marriages and re-wounding by others that drove me into coda and acoa.....oh the sibs were sooo angry, insulting, damning me to hell, literally wishing i had died from my illness instead of face it and overcome it
now, needless to say, I parted w/these people who only wanted my demise.....they are not in my life...they do not exist and it has taken a lot of steps 1,2,3 4,5,6,7 to finally become willing to give up ALL the ill will , resentment, anger, revenge, I have felt for this bio family i had the mis fortune of being born in....i never was like them....i could not be cruel for "fun" so i was picked on, bullied b/c I loved the animals and preferred their company over man and his cruelty, save for a few close intimates who are my friends to this day, i am an introvert.....i am "ok" by myself.....working a strong diligent program helped me arrive at this
I can even let go the ill will towards these folks and stop poisoning me w/all that hate, resentment and vengeance that poisoned only me
sorry u r experiencing this.....alanon loves you.....the community here is loving and caring, just a bunch of humans who collectively want to recover
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks neshema
I can see you have come far and I am more convinced than ever that I should at least TRY to work with an Alanon sponsor.
Glad things have improved for you.
(((((S)))))...Some times "loosing it" is a way of "letting it go" however the trick I learned was not trying to find it again. I related to some of your share here regarding family however once I let go of my family of orgin they were replaced by my Al-Anon Family Groups; "real" family. I use to be good at "loosing it" and earned the nickname "crazy" as a result and then Al-Anon Family again and I learned different ways of loosing it intentionally without hurting myself and/or others. My AA (yes I'm one of those too) counselor asked me during a session, "Do you still remember how to tantrum"? after a review of how I use to react as a child and some inciteful laughing I said yes and there after even up to this day when I've surrendered my peace of mind and serenity over to someone who isn't mature enough to have it (get that?) I go off to a isolated spot and tantrum for 10-15 seconds just as I did as a child...yelling, screaming, swearing (now allowed), jumping up and down and flapping my arms and hopping around in circles. When I'm done, I'm done...straighten up my appearance and move on leaving the pain and resentments behind me...don't look back for them is key. I always keep in mind (second nature now) that when I lose it...I am actually giving myself away intentionally. It's my participation in my problem and knowing that I am turning myself over to "them" most often now is enough to stop me. They actually don't ask me to do it...I just build up the resentments and reasons and do it on my own.
I learned how to stop telling myself stories about "them", like I always knew what they were doing and what was on their mind and how they thought, felt and saw me. The slogan..."What others think about me is none of my business" worked and still works today. Stop handing yourself over to monsters you create. I know about "attachments" to those who provide support...those things are also changeable from my own experiences.
My family is also still explosive and I no longer participate. Keep coming back. I suggest from experience going thru the literature on steps 1-3. and the 3cs. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 7th of October 2013 11:38:10 PM
Thanks neshema I can see you have come far and I am more convinced than ever that I should at least TRY to work with an Alanon sponsor. Glad things have improved for you.
U R so welcome....even if you find online sponsor, heck most of mine were ONline....and then we would chat on phone or we would skype....there is more than one way to do this if face to face doesn't offer anyone who appeals to you.....I just surfed the posts, read everyone and found the ones i wanted....my dear elderly "R" kinda of adopted me...we just fell into sponsor-sponsee and yea, it was a long distance, online and in those days we used pal talk b/c he was on dial up so the PT worked just great or the phone.....and I have all the faith that you CAN you CAN bc i see the desire in your posts.....what we crave comes to us......I crave recovery and to be a better /healthier/ more abundent person......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Yeah, the story I tell myself.
Creating monsters in my own mind.
Giving my power away intentionally. There are reasons we do that. It's the ego's way of getting us farther away from God.
In feel the guilt of playing God today.
If I didn't have to be yoked to them for financial survival I wouldn't give a damn about how they act.
I'm still having trouble sleeping so can't work. I have other resentments to work through also
I would like to go through the Big Book again. I do find a solution in there and in the wisdom of those sponsors that is unparalleled to anything else I've found. Many people say the 2nd time they do it it's much deeper. I probably need to clean out the few dozen people in my head right now. 10th steps alone aren't doing it.
The story I tell myself...
I did the work in the BB to have a spiritua awakening and I know exactly what I see with them...know it for a long time.
God does not want me yoked with these people. He does not want me controlled by their sick, narcissistic minds.
How can God be my Higher Power when my sick father and mother have control of my security? If I could tell you the things they've done to me to throw me back into spiritual sickness...I had no choice but to do what they said or I lose my ability to buy food.
God wants me out of this. I know that. I don't know if I need to speak up with some other people first like the guy who slandered me all over the state four years ago which resulted in my being shunned...I may need to set other boundaries before I can sleep. Maybe not. Maybe I need to resolve these resentments for good.
Maybe this is a spiritual awakening of sorts for you, a breakthrough in your recovery of yourself. You were pushed almost to the breaking point perhaps and pushed back to get them off your back. I hope you'll trust your ability to take care of yourself in all ways with your hp's guidance. None of us has to be held hostage by the disease of others. To thine own self be true. (((hugs)))) TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I was just about to try and "fix" things again by firing off more emails But the "ding" that I had this email from you stopped me. :) I set my father an apology but have not heard back and won't. I realize today I took the bait and am now in the doghouse. I think I'll stay here. I don't need the insanity anymore. Sure when they need more relief they'll come back demanding I respond to them or I'll be out on the streets and under no circumstances can I do that anymore. If i am thrown out of my apartment I have to stay out of their way and Gods way so He can do His work with them, whatever that looks like.
It's so freaking painful I can't even tell you. But I do trust God.
Anyway enough about me, I'm going to get some rest so I can maybe help someone tomorrow.
And I hope you are well.
Xoxo
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 8th of October 2013 06:40:32 PM
WTI - pray and meditate and reach out to your trusted supports. You did not get sober to suffer like this. Some times we have little diifferences in our thinking, but we are bonded as double winners. I pray for a rich and peaceful life. Not suffering. Hoping you have positive program supports to help you get through it. Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself slack with the cigarettes for now. I know you have strong faith so believe God will give you clarity for all the chellenges. Praying you rest easy and heal into the witty capable person I know you can be.
