The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, since the divorce I have generally zero contact with the A. BUT I am not able to fully detach because we share a child. Or maybe it's not detachment, maybe I am doing that and it's something else. Anyways, here's my thoughts and maybe you can help me wrap my mind around them.
The A was abusive (still is - the limited times I've seen him in court) suffering with mental health issues, alcoholism, and drug addiction so I have to keep tabs on him to an extent. Mainly to journal things in case of court. He's not seeing our child but hired an attorney to do so (though he has supervised visits and still hasn't set them up.) even though he "has no money." Our daughter doesn't want to see him because he's abusive and drunk and drugged most of the time. At 13, it should be enough...but I keep the journal just in case. I write the thing/event/note down and put it away. I know that when the mood strikes he will take me back to court (he threatens it at least) and try and drag our child through a bunch of BS so for now I am in CYA mode. (He's had me in court 8 times in 4 months...all for his stuff, all ending with him in contempt.)
So, that said...I honestly don't care that he's moved on. I don't care that he chooses to remain sick. I don't care that he tries to be abusive in court because it matters not anymore. I can't do anything about what he chooses to do. I do care that he's living with another addict (A & drugs) has an impact on visitation issues. Otherwise - don't care. I don't want him back, our old lives back - none of it. I accept that he is an addict, he's abusive and he's mentally ill and I accept that I chose him, lived with it and finally left it.
Sounds great, right? Here's where I get stuck. It's like playing a record and it keeps skipping in my head...whatever thing he's done that I've had to journal and put away doesn't stay put away in my mind. I try to busy myself with a million other things and let it go - serenity prayer - let go and let god - you name it...but I feel like I am skipping and whatever it is won't get out of my head. I hate it. That just makes me even more mad at myself!
My therapist says I am doing everything "right" and to be honest, it eventually passes - after a few days! But those few days are awful.
Anyone else been there? Is this kind of how it goes? Do you think when it gets to a time where I haven't been to court in awhile and things are quiet that I might finally get to remove myself from all this? Maybe that's part of it - having to deal with him at court certainly is stressful. Anyways, just wondering if anyone else has had this in thier life.
I can relate to what you say. I find when I am really busy with things, those "skipped record" thoughts don't seem to intrude. In my quiet times (which I want to just be quiet, serene times of course), the thoughts intrude. Keeping all the AlAnon slogans in mind helps--I try to substitute a slogan for an intrusive thought.
I think time is going to be the great healer for me (the further I get from the actual concrete memories, the easier it is for serenity to take over).
Oh yes. Those intrusive thoughts are awful. <3 When our therapists and sane friends say we're doing the "right thing," the sick part of our psyches make us doubt ourselves. I am glad you managed to get away from your ex. =( Abusive mean addicts are so damaging.
<3
We just have to kind of say that we are doing the best for us in a kind of mantra, I guess until our psyches get it through.
I try to busy myself with a million other things and let it go - serenity prayer - let go and let god - you name it...but I feel like I am skipping and whatever it is won't get out of my head. I hate it. That just makes me even more mad at myself!
My therapist says I am doing everything "right" and to be honest, it eventually passes - after a few days! But those few days are awful.
**************************
When those intrusive thoughts enter my head and they wont' "shut up" I CLAP MY HANDS LOUDLY and SHOUT....."STOP" that breaks it up....then I tell me...."that was then, this is now".....lets say I am still afraid of something that hasn't happend as yet and I am fearing something that has not yet happened........the intrusive "what if" and "omg, we are gonna lose this job" I just CLAP and yell STOP...and i tell myself...."today we are ok....it hasn't happened yet.....if it does i will do what I gotta do"
OR i am playing told stuff about my abuser's programing of me.....i hear him saying "stupid broad...u can't do anything right" I do the CLAP and tell that stuff to STOP.......that was HIS inventory not mine
OR i mess up and I dont' "get off me" about it...I am berating me and beating me up..........i do the same thing CLAP and say STOP...."u r not perfect, u did an honest mistake and I am sending all this negativity back to its source.....It belongs to the past...not my present"
and good job with the documentation.......document everything b/c that helps you in court....he will hang himself if he keeps drinking and using.....AND the courts CAN ask the daughter I think some states ask the child as young as 14 "do you want to say w/dad???' and it can be done in private.....so sad...his own kid does not want to see him, yet he craves his booze and drugs and now that hes living w/another user??? its only gonna get worse.......I would not let my kids around anyone who was user......daughters don't even know their uncles b/c they are drinkers and one is A and NA and FORGET ever even telling the kids about the oldest two.......i never wanted them around that crap......i know its different when u have a child w/a guy and she/he is minor an u gotta deal with this......sounds like u r doing all u can......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
