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Well this past 2 nights I have been working step 7.......asking creator, Great Spirit to remove this awful defect of mine called ill will, resentment and anger towards a LIST of folks
I have been angry at Creator for not helping me meet my needs better.....even tho I believe creator only works in the spirit realm, not the physical...JUST MY OPINION, folks, as I have experienced..........anyway, I have been harboring ill will towards Creator/Source for this hardship to which I see no end......no hope of relief...
harboring ill will for me.....letting family over the years, hurt me, use me , abuse me and i keep trying to "keep the family together" good little coda that I am, and lately I have been doing well, cleaning up my life of those toxins, the last of which is daughter #2....I also asked to be cleansed of any deep seated desires to hurt me and to punish me for not being able to stop him and the mental illness i suffered until I got into recovery.....I asked to be cleansed of my unforgiveness of me when I make a mistake born out of not paying attention, and being not always able to stay in the present.....the latest "screw up" in my eyes, was letting D#2 back close to me to hurt me again......
I confess I do regret adopting her when she was teen...from the get go she was heartache, but I kept my commitment.....I had nothing but grief and unhappiness w/her, she has played w/my heart and my emotions long enough.............if my adopting her helped her grow up with hope and good training and if my adopting her helped ME grow and evolve in my recovery, then I say "thank you for that lesson" she was a lesson for me , for sure.....
sooo, speaking of her I prayed tonight and told the source that I wanted to be cleansed of ANY ill will and resentment and anger towards this girl, who is an adult now, I did my job, honoured my commitment as best as I could, now I pray she takes my training and teachings and does well with it
my bio parents....I asked to be cleansed of any ill will, resentment, hate, anger, revenge feelings re: them.....I want to be FREE of that bad energy/karma I make by continuing to harbor bad energy towards them..........I hurt ME......not them.........I asked to be cleansed of the ill will , resentment and anger that eats me still....not as bad, but it is there....especially when I notice yet another thing their abuse cost me......I won't ever forget, but I can see myself wrapping them up in a trash bag and tossing them away from me and the past they visited upon me....I see myself wrapping that ALL up in a big trash bag and dumping it off.....
siblings who tried to suffocate me, drown me at the Farm pond we all used to go to, and all the ill wishes for my recovery, they wanted me to "clam up" even tho keeping that secret was driving me insane and towards suicide.....they preference according to other trusted sources, were that I either kill myself or go nuts and thus secret stays in tact..........I want to and asked to be cleansed of the ill will and resentment and anger towards these people.....I asked creator to do what he/she has to do with them to cause them to surrender to love and not hate.
I work so hard to keep my body clean, fresh water, clean foods, exercise, organice eating, simple non processed foods, so its time to clean the Heart and the Spirit of me.....to flush out the toxins in my mind and emotions that bring me bad karma......i want to put out GOOD energy, so I can have GOOD energy come to me.....
I really really sincerely asked anyone who would listen in the spirit world, to help me with this......to help me get CLEAN of ANY ill will, resentment and anger, hate, ANYthing negative towards anyone living or dead, past or present
I decided to just trust in karma and that what lessons what they have sown they will reap..and to give it over as it is none of my business.....the law of karma applies to all.....same as me and I do NOT want to reap unwanted energy from all the negative emotions that I have listed above......
I still don't love me as a healthy person does, but I don't act on any urges to hurt me as I once did.....that phase is over with....I just kept saying "NO" and sometimes I would clap my hands loudly to break up the negative energy and say "NO...U R not going to hit you...you are not going to hurt you" and it worked.........once in a great while when I am feeling afraid and its getting hard to control, I clap my hands loudly and force me to stay in the present............I just CLAP loudly and say STOP.....and I repeat the slogans that apply.....something about the clapping breaks up all that runaway, fear causing "mind chatter"
Anyway, its step 7 until I am feeling "lighter" until I can hear one who has harmed me , their name, and not feel a thing.....
I can't love the real bad ones, but I can remit them to the universe and even tho I would never want them in my life, and what they did to me will never be "ok" I can remit them to their karma and I can free myself of the negative emotions and therefore not be bound to these people
So HEAVY step 7 , asking HP of my understanding, or my higher self, to remove these unwanted and unwelcome boxes of negativity, and send it back to its source b/c I refuse to give it space in me anymore
I really really want to cleanse my soul of all the negativity that was visited on me and the resultant ill will and resentment/anger/hate that sat and fermented within me.....
It is NOW TIME to LET IT GO....I want to move on....whats left of my life, I want to put out good energy so maybe I will receive good energy back....
I also asked the universe to help me forgive myself for MY part (as an adult) in that I was CODA...People pleasing...not being willing to see the hand writing on the wall....Not facing the truth that "YES...u need to take care of you first and let the toxins go...." I also asked for help in loving me
Thanks for listening...
-- Edited by neshema2 on Thursday 3rd of October 2013 12:22:18 AM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am listening. You have been through so much. Give yourself peace and rest well that you have tried to be the best person you could be. Let there be peace.
This is a big Step . I found that in order for HP to lift my pain I too had to be willing to do my part. I had to be ready to leave the memory of the hurt and anger in the past so that I could have a future . I could no longer call upon the pain of the past to justify my actions in the present. I had to let go of being the victim and "right" and I had to be willing to not call on the pain of the past to justify my actions in the present.
This is a big order but I was willing and I believe I hear that in your post.
I guess the previous Steps enables us to do this and truly let go and then the 8Th through 12th Step helps to clear up the wreckage of the past and keep us honest and in the present.
I smiled at your subject title- it was not long ago that I was so afraid to let go of anything- even defects that served no positive purpose, or, worse, were destructive. Thankfully for Alanon, I agree and can hold my weaknesses above my head, with opened hands and flat palms and ask HP to take them, PLEASE! Also, thankfully, there are quota allotments and there are no set limits, I can go through the process as many times as I need to.
Of course I had to say I AM WILLING to have xxxxxxx taken/cleansed from me.....that way I am setting my ego aside, in that I can't fix myself, need my higher self/universal source of all things good's help to cleanse me
so I noticed on my post I didn't say that but last night, burning my candles and really sincerely humbling myself to the forces of light, I did say "I am sooooo WILLING to be cleansed of the negativity I illustrated in my post"
The word "WILLING" shows I am humble, and I know I need help from higher source to affect these changes I SO want in me...
thank you all for your support.......being willing , to me, means I can't fix myself, as in steps 1, 2,3 but the source of all things of LOVE, can.....and I am
SO willing to give up these toxins.........Law of attraction...........I want to be healthy so I attract healthy to me.
I hope this made sense., but the operative word...*Willingness* to me is so important b/c that way I am reaching out, doing the leg work, but mindful that my higher self or higher power is the one who can actually cleanse me
like I have an infection.......I can't cure it, but I am willing to hand it over to my doctor for her to put medicine on it to get me free of it..........i had to be aware of it........be wanting to be cleansed of it and be willing to get me to docs office to have HER administer the medicine to cleanse me
yea, it is an inside job....but I knew I needed the industrial strength type of cleansing that is over my head.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And there are times when I ask God to help me WANT to be willing, as I know there are payoffs to my addictive thinking, ways of being, etc. You are brave to take on this process, Rose.
And there are times when I ask God to help me WANT to be willing, as I know there are payoffs to my addictive thinking, ways of being, etc. You are brave to take on this process, Rose.
OMG...been there...like when you want to really wish bad karma on someone who has just "done you in, majorally" and you are crinched w/ anger, but you KNOW, that is bad karma for you, oh yea, and you say "oh please help me WANT to be willing to give this/them over"
Oh yea, been in that spot.....I SO want to cleanse out my energy, I am willing to do this EVERY DAY till mention of their NAME makes me not even twitch.....ya know???? I SO relate to this, Paula......WOW.....and ya know??? I don't see me as brave....Just tired of the same ole negative energy I put out and bring back to me , b/c I do think spiritual cleansing impacts , positively, the physical realm and I am soooo ready to move on........I am WILLING, power most high, to give up ANYthing that separates me from or blocks MY GOOD..........
thank you for reminding me of something I have felt MANY times.....and the "payoffs" of this harboring ill will, thinking I am in control, the illusion that I have some power, SO NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
N...for me there was and still is at times a difference between willing and humbly. See with my ego and my pride at always wanting to win, to use power and control to get my way and my self centeredness is soooo ingrained, habitual, natural and practiced that not using it is like thinking of cutting off a hand or both hands for that matter...I can think it and even wish it how ever doing it "as directed" doesn't happen very quickly, very well. I bring a "white flag" of surrender to my Higher Power and yet carry another in my back pocket. There is a page in the ODAAT daily reader: page 135, one of my most favorite teaching pages, that talks about the difference between submission and surrender and that was one tool that showed me that I always submitted and always had another white flag in my back pocket because I would go to war again on yet another powerless situation. A key for me was to understand the fear I had which came with or before saying I'm done, I quit, I over it. The fear of appearing weak, less than, a willing victim, a loser and more. When I was able to surrender the fear first I could let go of all of the rest of it.
I loved what Peggy shared earlier because that is what it is about for me now.
In humility I don't ask for my HP to take my character defects...I bring them and lay them before HP and turn away without looking back. ((((hugs))))
N...for me there was and still is at times a difference between willing and humbly. See with my ego and my pride at always wanting to win, to use power and control to get my way and my self centeredness is soooo ingrained, habitual, natural and practiced that not using it is like thinking of cutting off a hand or both hands for that matter...I can think it and even wish it how ever doing it "as directed" doesn't happen very quickly, very well. I bring a "white flag" of surrender to my Higher Power and yet carry another in my back pocket. There is a page in the ODAAT daily reader: page 135, one of my most favorite teaching pages, that talks about the difference between submission and surrender and that was one tool that showed me that I always submitted and always had another white flag in my back pocket because I would go to war again on yet another powerless situation. A key for me was to understand the fear I had which came with or before saying I'm done, I quit, I over it. The fear of appearing weak, less than, a willing victim, a loser and more. When I was able to surrender the fear first I could let go of all of the rest of it.
I loved what Peggy shared earlier because that is what it is about for me now.
In humility I don't ask for my HP to take my character defects...I bring them and lay them before HP and turn away without looking back. ((((hugs))))
(((Jerry))) I see what u r saying....HUMBLY laying the issues on HP and walking away....this morning I am in prayer or was praying and I just said "HP I am sooo willing to be healed of this"....Recognizing I CANT but something higher, the source...creator CAN so I am willing to give over.....the willingness for me sets aside any notion that I can "fix me"...I can't "fix me" that has to be program and my Highest power within.....I see that now, after thinking, meditating.....and ya know?? I don't even care if , to others, I "appear" weak as long as I am healed of this......I am so tired of being sick and tired, that I am willing to do what I gotta do, surrender what I gotta surrender to feel free
You guys are SO Right...I SO agree......I am too tired and worn out to feel pride...this ill will, resentment, anger, bitterness has worn me out...sucked the life out of me.....whatever I must do, I am willing to be free of this......I like that description too....."bring them and lay them before HP and turn away w/out looking back" LOVE that
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
