The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I'm really sorry you are experiencing this very painful and confusing behavior on the part of your H. It sounds like a blessing to me that he has removed himself from your home and separated himself physically from you, too. Although he hasn't hurt you physically that could change. As far as keeping your feelings of love to yourself - if in doubt, don't - comes to mind for me.
Being mentally and emotionally abused with intent would certainly contribute to you feeling lost and confused. I'm not sure why you feel as if you are failing? Sounds to me as if he is failing you. Something you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure. His wonderings and behaviors are all on him.
It sounds to me like you are fighting things internally? Frankly, although I've been in Al-Anon for many years, if somebody spent their time with me intentionally harming me as he's admitted, I'd be feeling more than love or compassion for them. Although he may have some issues that he needs to sort out and work on - that doesn't excuse his intentional maltreatment of you. I do think it does enable(dictionary definition of enable) family members if they treat us like dirt and we keep telling them we love them. It's like rewarding them for bad behavior. Although Al-Anon teaches us to try to understand our alcoholic relatives, it doesn't teach us to let them mistreat us perpetually. You can't change his inappropriate and unacceptable behavior, but you don't have to be around it either.
Once again, I'm sorry you've been experiencing so much unacceptable and inappropriate behavior in relationship to your husband. Now that he has removed himself from the home, perhaps you'll get to focus more on you and your HP's will for your life which I doubt includes being emotionally and mentally abused by a family member. Lots of support and prayers for your family and you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 2nd of October 2013 09:45:16 PM
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so happy that you are attending alanon face to face meetings and had the courage to share your heart. It certainly sounds as if your husband is in need of professional help and I admire his honesty and concern for you.
I know my husband acted in much the same manner when he was at the height of his disease . He wanted me to end the marriage. He did not want to be responsible for breaking up the family so he kept behaving in a more destructive manner in an effort to force me to act. It worked I left before I actually killed him.
I understand that you love him and can see that he is ill, I would listen to the still small voice within to decide on the next right action Keep coming back and attending alanon meetings.
You are not alone.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 2nd of October 2013 09:48:29 PM
My husband left me telling me that every time he looks at me he wants to hurt me (mentally he has never physically hurt me). He said he finally realized that everything I have told him over the last few months like leaving the room when I walk in, belittling me and false accusations he was intentionally doing. He said he doesn't know why he is doing all of this. He tells me he is deeply depressed and feels like void inside. Every time he mentions how badly he has intentionally hurt me you can literally see all the guilt wash over his face and he would start crying. He is so angry too. Usually I'm the one to receive the brunt of his rage. He has almost completely seperated himself from his closest friends. he will go days without showering and started to sleep in the clothes he workes in all day. He tells me he has a really hard time seeing me at my daughters functions. At my daughters functions he will sit next to me and acts as if life is fine and that the two of us are as happy as ever. He jokes around with the other parents and includes me in on those jokes. If you were to look at us you would never know we are going through rough times. I'm really trying to stay strong and implement all the principles I have learned in al anon but I feel I'm failing at every turn. His decision to leave was his and his alone. I offered every possible option for us to work it out as I truly love him. He has said he can't believe how badly he has treated me and how could he stop himself from doing this to me again as he can't even figure out why he is hurting me to begin with. I feel so lost and hurt. I don't understand why he wants to portray to the world we are fine when we are not so I no longer will sit next to him. I still tell him that I love him every night and almost feeling like I am enabling him like I should keep these feelings to myself. Friends and family are starting to find out about our situation, he hasn't told them for some reason. He is from a family of alcoholics most of them sober at this point. I could tell almost a year ago that he was struggling and most of the behavior he exhibited towards me I didn't take, thanks to al anon. I'm just not sure if I'm making the right decision by telling him I love him as I feel very sorry for him and what he is fighting internally. I'm really trying to follow what my HP has planned for me but feel like I'm failing there as well. Sorry for the rambling and I'm sure confusing message. Lost and Confused!
So many of us have experienced and are experiencing what you describe. Please continue attending Alanon meetings and start working the steps with a sponsor, if you are not already doing so. It also sounds like it would be helpful to seek help from your local woman's shelter to help you develop a safety plan (even though he is not with you at the moment).
I can understand confusion regarding telling him that you love him. It's ok to love the person but not their actions or words spewed from the disease (I'm not making excuses- bad behavior is not acceptable. I understand that you do not want to reward bad behavior.). The 3 C's - you didn't cause it , can't control it, can't cure it; enabling is doing for some one what they could do for themselves. It's ok to love the person, but not their actions or words when it comes from the disease talking (I'm not making excuses- bad behavior is not acceptable.). Can you identify a more specific source of your feeling guilty?
Thank you for all the words of encouragement. Reading each response has helped my mental state. I know I need to take care of myself. I knew his behavior was inappropriate but because of the alanon meetings I have attended I learned I never had to take the abuse. I don't even remember most of what he said, maybe that is a coping mechanism. Thanks again for the support.
You're welcome, mongowal. I'm not one who can be around that type of negativity very long. I shut down inside to protect myself. I don't take what the person is saying personally, but I am extremely sensitive to negative energy and simply can't abide it for long. I'm glad you are in Al-Anon. It was one of the few places I could go when my AS lived with me where I could experience peace and order with no strong negative energy around me. I hope you experience peace, too. It takes a lot of courage to share the real truth of our relationships. There is something very healing that happens when we do that. I don't know why. I don't understand it. But I sure notice when I'm experiencing it. Keep coming back. (((M)))
I have to admit I'm sort of jealous of this move your husband is making. My AH isn't verbally abusive anymore, mostly because he's choosing to not speak to me about anything that will be controversial. We almost got into it about healthcare issues yesterday but I dropped the subject, LOL. He loves a good argument and, in most cases, I take things too personally and my feelings get hurt. Maybe your husband is making the right move here, taking time away to investigate why he does the things he does and he knows he needs to be away from you to do it. This would be a good time for you to take time for you, throw yourself into your program, and understand why you do the things you do, too.
My AH has said the same things that Betty's husband did. He wouldn't break up the marriage himself because he doesn't want to be the bad guy, but he continued acting out most likely hoping that I would be the one to pull the plug. Instead, I kept working my program and we're still together(not happily, mind you, but still together) and I continue to take my own inventory every day and figure out what my part is here. We have a cordial existence, we agree on most parenting issues and can communicate about the basics in life. Sometimes we can even share a laugh, but for now, we are roommates who get along on the surface but don't really know each other well anymore. I've changed in program and he doesn't like it. That's OK, because maybe he'll find his own path and I have to give him the time and space to do that for HIMSELF, if he so chooses. Hang in there and I do hope you keep coming back!
I'm happy that my AH has realized all the hurt he has been causing and to admit it to me was a huge step. Although he truly has admitted hurting so many others but that is on him. He tells me he needs help, if I offer any suggestions he rebuffs them so I'm letting him make the move to get help. I feel so badly for him as I know on top of fighting whatever battle he is fighting internally he now has all this guilt for how badly he has treated me. I have told him I forgave him the minute he told me about his behavior but now he has to forgive himself and heal. I hate the limbo state we are in but I have no control over that for the time being as I don't think I'm in any state to make a final decision. Thanks for the kind words.
If he had a headache - you wouldn't be able to take the medicine for him either. Alanon is your medicine, and only you can take it for you. When his pain is enough - he will maybe see that there is a solution/medicine in the 12 steps because he see's you taking them. That has been how it has worked in my circle. This disease creates a lot of pain and emotional anguish to everyone it comes into contact with. The solution/medicine is the same for all of the people it has harmed - drinkers and non-drinkers alike: 12 steps - sponsor - fellowship - meetings - literature - HP
Once I saw that solution worked - I had hope. Now I can bring that hope to others just as you can.
