The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A quick snapshot of me is, married almost 10 years to a very functional A. He has been in and out of recovery for a few years. He has moved from drinking every day to once or twice a month. It seems as if he is committed to working on recovery, committed to improvement and to “trying” but something within him cannot be committed to a lifetime without alcohol. I have tested the 3 C’s enough to know that they are true. But now I am faced with the decision of whether I can live with things as they are now.
Now I am faced with a crossroads. My husband's company is about to downsize and he has an opportunity for his “dream job” in another state. I have a wonderful career here, great friends, church, support system etc. here. We have two kids. My instinct is to let him go without us and give him a chance to sink or swim in a new environment. That is a very scary option. Part of me wants to be able to watch over him and see that he is safe. We love each other very much and he is a really good husband and father. I really want to think that this could be the best but I can’t get my hopes up to get them dashed once again.
i feel for you. the choice you have to make is hard. you also have to think about what is best for your kids. ask yourself this: do you want to go with him to babysit him? it kind of sounds like that. my opinion=if he really wants to drink...he will. whether or not it is where you are or where you go. addicts can be sneaky. do what it in your heart.
What you lose if you go: a wonderful career here, great friends, church, support system etc. here.
And to me the support system is very important, especially when living w /an A and especially having 3 children.
The other thing that concerns me is your stated reason for going: Part of me wants to be able to watch over him and see that he is safe. It sounds as if your maybe doing something that you don't really want to do, only so you can watch over him and protect him. This is a recipe for resentments.
You also said: I really want to think that this could be the best but I can’t get my hopes up to get them dashed once again.
Alcohol is a progressive disease by nature, so it could very well stay the same or get worse. My couselor likes to say, 'progression is a wonderful thing'. Not that it's fun to watch them progress but they may at least be heading towards a bottom that will result in recovery.
I'm just responding so some things you said. The big thing I know I've done is I've made some life choices, expecting things not to get worse, expecting that I'd get similiar or at least some level of consideration for the sacrifices I've made. In living like this, I became bitter and resentful. I've had some in Alanon remind me that these were choices I made. I'm the one that had expectations, not my A. One of the things I'm working on in my recovery, is not to put myself in positions where I will build resentments. So my questions and concerns are only based on my ESH (experience, strength and hope).
There are also many stories in Alanon where people learn to gain their serenity despite what the A does. If you make the move strictly because you want to, and without any expectations, it might work out for you as well.
It's a tough choice. I'd try to get to as many meetings, f2f and/or online as I can and be involved in the board here to try to gain some perspective.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I'm certainly in no position to offer advice as to what you should do here, but I will share my experience....
I found myself, trying desperately to hang onto my "proverbial white picket fence marriage", that was a concept in my mind, and NOT my reality.... It took several counselors, telling me many times, that I was trying to salvage the "concept of marriage", and not my marriage, per se.
Only you can answer whether what you have right now - life with a 'functioning alcoholic' - is enough for you.... Some small percentage of alcoholics can 'control their drinking' - for most, it is a progressive disease, that they cannot beat without help.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond. I have read what you have written several times. I will continue to ponder it. I have been praying a lot and what I am getting from my prayers is to Rest and see where things go. I need to put God in the drivers seat for awhile.
