The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I told you all about the "dinner" she stood me up on about 2-3 weeks ago and didn't even apologize for it and that it was something she INSISTED upon....a "mom and daughter dinner" HER idea...And she pulled the head games on me again, ...and how I made the decision after that last insult to cut off contact to take care of me and so far I am doing a much better job
Recovery is #1...taking care of me and progressing towards better mental health is #1....I am putting ME first for a change and it feels good...I feel like I am progressing...
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well UPDATE......................
I don't hear from her.......no apology for the "AGAIN" missed dinner.......the being stood up...........no amend.........wasn't expecting any and I am keeping my boundary of NO contact...its been what??? 3 weeks, almost??? and no nothing from her...It is peaceful...I am enjoying my baby puppy, chugging along w/my life..Investigating how I can help my community re: homeless pets and educating the public about pet sterilization...I am just living my life.....
THEN, she calls me yesterday................"Hi, Mom ..can you take me to Lowes to buy a window????" No hello, how are you??? I am sorry for 2 weeks ago or whenever it was................NOTHING....just "Hi, mom, can you take me to Lowes to buy a window????".
I tell her "nope...busy........can't go............and I need to get off phone, my cousin is going to call" She kinda sputtered in an attempt to get me to "bite" and I just said, I had to hang loose as my cousin is coming into town and I want to hang out w/my friends next door and wait for my cousin.. she said "Ok, love you" and I just said "BYE" and hung up...
I was nice, cheery,.....kept it brief....And I was OK w/me standing to my boundary,not nervous...not tempted to "cave in"...stuck to my boundary....and it felt GOOD to take care of ME for a change...
I had warned her 3 years ago, that she would push me away, and when she did, things would change...As I progress in my recovery, I will be better at taking care of me.......I told her I did my job w/her....i don't owe her my recovery, my peace, my serenity.............don't owe her anything........I had WARNED her that she was gonna crap on me once too many and I would end up walking away.....
life is a LOT more peaceful, no fighting, no trying to "work things out w/this cruel girl"......No more wrangling w/people who just do not care about me...for weeks I have been doing meditations solely to give up ANY ill will or resentment towards my abusers, past/present....living/dead and ya know??? it is working...I feel better...lighter...cleaner inside...
last night I sent her love and peace, I asked her creator to take care of her and bring her to LOVE...whatever lessons she needs to affect that is none of my business. it is between her and her creator
I stood to my boundary...my boundaries are internal..my expectations are external and I am taking care of both....I don't expect truth from one who lies....respect from one who is abusive...
My trust and affection is a gift....Betray it and it is lost..I don't have ill will towards her..........I just want my peace and dignity....And to be honest, I was beginning to not respect me for allowing this abuse to continue....
I had to make am amend to me.....I had a part in this....I allowed her to crap on me all those years, so my part was not cutting this off years ago........... my part was not wanting to give up an accept my powerlessness......my part was i kept hoping she would treat me with respect............i accept my part and lesson learned............if you can't trust them, you can't trust them.......if they abuse you, they are gonna keep abusing you,
IMHO, Some folks, just have no care for others, most likely will stay that way....Its something deep in their makeup, like hard wired, or perhaps they are just "missing something"...I don't know.......From what I see, this program can fix wounded emotions, broken hearts, help us manage the stuff we want to fix... however the ability to change has to be a FERVENT desire from the depths of ones heart..and HARD dedicated and diligent work, brutal honesty w/ones self and ones maker and safe other humans...humility to accept when we are wrong and the desire to change from that behaviour...openess to live a healthier way.........however I dont' think the basic character can be fixed.......
I once heard a saying from one of my indian elders....."Good folks feel bad when they do bad..........Bad folks don't give a damn"....I believe that....I have seen it so many times in my family and with this girl, whom I have a lot of compassion for b/c she is only going to keep pushing away her blessings and one day be all alone...sooo sad, but I have put ME FIRST....my recovery is #1.......
I was a victim, but by letting her continue to play these cruel games on me, I became a volunteer..........What I was permitting, in essence, I was promoting (my own abuse) It is sad for her b/c she is the one who will have to face it one day...the ugly things she has done to me...
It is like missing an infected tooth u gotta get pulled out.....its a part of you, like she is a part of me, but it was attacking and making me sick.....I had to chose me or the tooth .. so I pulled that infected tooth....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I think , part of it was the lesson I learned that I broke the addiction to this drama as well.......I never could let go.....like I would have a "tiger by the tail" with the sister....this now adult.....others who abused me......i had a tiger by the tail, and didn't understand, that I didn't have to hang on for dear life.........i had to let GO for dear life.......just let it go.............
My sponsor and I talked about this incident and I told her "hey I think i made my first step towards, breaking my addiction for chaos and drama......I really really don't want it"
I am progressing.......recovery is simple but soo hard.....especially when its one you love, but I love me more....that , i guess, is the bottom line.........when it came down to it.......i discovered that I love ME first.....I am gladdened by this discovery of progress, but sad for her....she will just have to learn the way we all have to learn.......some have to get slamed to the concrete b4 they decide to surrender to love and healing.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I talked w/my sponsor last night after the latest and she told me something really sobering....
she told me even tho I was in program, the time I went MIA she could see this abuse dragging me down....I was slipping back into coda...fear...shame of me....doubt of me....she told me point blank, last night she was worried when I went MIA AND was putting up w/this ....and I see it now that I am back.....I see where I was being manipulated, put down....ONLY my sponsors knows all what I have endured , I don't put it all on the boards, maybe b/c telling my sponsor is enough and I don't want to tell the world...not even anonymous folks...
my sponsor knows everything about me and i know her and she told me she was real worried....could I keep the "no contact or keep major distance" and KEEP it or would I "cave"....and last night was maybe a test....I did not cave.....
I put ME first....sponsor asked me some quicky step 10 ??S about the incident and my response and HOW did I FEEL NOW about it??????
I told her that I was sad things may never be different , but I was glad I wanted to save me...and not stunt my growth and my progress.....
I am enjoying this new puppy....i want to do community work with animals and education to the public about sterilization of their pets....not many folks are doing much but I did find this one group, I am going to contact.....my cousin is in town and I want to enjoy her and we have much to talk about, but as soon as she is gone, I am calling these ladies whose numbers i got from the pound....
I hope its ok to journal on my post........I put it on the other board which is maybe what I should have just did it there, but oh well.....its here....so i can't erase it.....but WOW....my sponsor and I went through a LOT of stuff about me......i CAN find a good life...I gotta make it myself......I have to CHOOSE........me or the toxins......simple but hard hey????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
An AA'r friend of mine wrote this to me..............O M G....talk about HP giving me a hint or what?????? this really hit me between the eyes........I just love this recovery mate.....He is SO spot on
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The relationship with her is highly toxic.
It brings out the worst in you. It is the only time I see you this way.
My dad was toxic to me. I went years at a time with no conversation. I really did commit him to God and kept my sanity by staying away.
Self preservation!
I hope you can find a way to limit the toxins you let in your life. At a certain point, it just isn't worth it.
Love ya Rosie. Take care my friend.
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I think HP is giving me a BIG hint b/c in so many words, my sponsor who is also an AA'r in program told me a very similair assessment..........WOW....she and my friend above, are spot on.......I know in my heart when I am told something that is "RIGHT ON" and TWO, more experienced recovery mates told me almost to the TEE....the same thing.....referring to "its not worth it" and "self preservation" and my sponsor telling me she can SMELL when I have had any contact w/this girl b/c I get all "coda crazy and unhappy" again....
O M G......will meditate tonight and just commit her to HP over and over till I am free.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
OK...I am turning this into a too big of a journal....U all can comment or not...I know it is not really "al-anon" in a way, but I posted it b/c I am changing a big part of my life again and going through the feelings of that change........I sure am seeing stuff that I need to stick to....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks, Neshema, for an update on your continuing progress in letting go of what you wanted in relationship to this daughter and accepting what is for now. Good example of setting and keeping boundaries and detaching - especially when it is very difficult to do. Your share brings to mind some of what we learn in Al-Anon about detachment: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people. Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery. Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds(including our own). Not to create a crisis. Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
I'm still happy for you and your volunteerism ideas and your new puppy. That knowledge continues to put a smile on my face.
Your share brings to mind some of what we learn in Al-Anon about detachment: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people. Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery. Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds(including our own). Not to create a crisis. Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
I'm still happy for you and your volunteerism ideas and your new puppy. That knowledge continues to put a smile on my face.
U know , Grateful, that is IT...I just chose not to suffer anymore when I don't have to......nothing mean spirited in it, I just chose to quit suffering....Like this must have been a , I don't like to say "test" b/c I don't believe in them but I think it was a "affirmation" like "ok. R U gonna take care of you??? or do you need more pain????"
And I said "no"...not mean spirited, not nasty, not "hahaha revenge" type feelings...I just said "no more"......I will commit her to her maker and let go in peace and love......thank you for this very nice post......U have soo much to say.....and guess what??? Puppy is already acting like miss "tough girl" she is beginning to bark at strangers who walk by her yard...of course she is sure to be near one of the adult dogs or me, but at 3 months...she is beginning to set her own "boundaries" LOVED it this am when the neighbor lady stuck her face in the hole of their wood fence to peer at me through my chain link fence and she says "hey" and the puppy's little fur stood up and she barked and kinda growled a bit.....Good Puppy!!!!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
