The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this website but have read a lot about Al-Anon in the past few weeks plus read up about the terrible disease of alcoholism and the effects it has on families and children. I have been with my alcoholic partner for the past 8 years and we have two beautiful little girls (1 and 4 years). I've been through all of the emotions, blame, verbal abuse and arguing and have finally come to the end of my strength and decided last week to end our relationship (we were planning on getting married early next year). While I know it is the right decision for my kids and me I find it very hard to come to terms with all of it. I deeply care for my ex-partner, I am concerned about is well being and I feel so sorry for how his life has turned out. It is the second time for him going through a separation with kids and he still does not think that his drinking is a problem. Instead he blames me for majority of our issues. I am concerned for my girls, wondering how the separation may effect them, wondering how their dad can still be part of their live but not affect them by his drinking and behaviour. I feel overwhelmed by the fact that I am now a single mum with two little children, away from my family as I moved across the other side of the world 8 years ago. Not sure what future holds for us and really don't know how to make things work with visiting rights, access to the children.....I just want to shield them from all this misery and I am so worried that it will affect them badly in some way.
I am asking myself why I have put up with this for 8 years, had 2 children, was planning on getting married....etc. The warning signs were there from the very beginning but I think I lived in denial for a long time hoping we could work things out or that things would get better. Instead it got worse and lately his constant mood swings, verbal abuse and emotional withdrawal started to really affect me. I got to the point were I started to doubt myself and took blame for things that weren't even my fault.
Sorry for rambling on....I went to an Al-Anon meeting in my area yesterday but there were only 3 other people that attended and I am not sure how often I can go to those meetings. I don't have a regular babysitter...
Did I make the right decision? Will I get through this and come out of it happier?? I really hope because right it doesn't feel like I will ever going to be happy and get over the fact that I don't have family any more. All I ever wanted was a happy family - Mum, Dad and happy children. I am so sad that it didn't work out, sad for my children....
We were living outside of the U.S. when my mom, after thirteen years of marriage, and three children, decided to leave my dad because of his alcoholism. At the time, I was 12, my sister was 10, and my brother was 3. The initial couple of years were hard, but living with an alcoholic was much worse. All of us were relieved to be outside of the alcoholic situation.
I am now in my 40s and my dad is still drinking. If we had waited for him stop and get into recovery, it would have been a long wait. We learned to LIVE and let live.
My partner, whose father is an alcoholic, and whose parents never separated or divorced, shows the impact of living in that situation until she was 18 which includes PTSD and a range of other problems.
Active alcoholism is rough and the best hope for the family is to get help. In my experience, it's not enough to leave, it is absolutely essential to get everyone in the family (children and mom) help.
BlueCloud
-- Edited by BlueCloud on Tuesday 1st of October 2013 10:49:08 AM
Dear Medi, Welcome to the family of Al-Anon! I think that you will find lots of people will be here for you.
I'm sending you huge (((((((((hugs))))))))) and a great deal of respect because it sounds as though you are a wonderful and loving Mum who knows how important it is to love oneself and protect your children. I can't help but applaud your priorities
There are others here who have more experience of face to face meetings than I, but I think it is great that you reached out yesterday to attend a meeting and if you are feeling lonely or scared I think that most people in Al-Anon understand our situations in ways that none else can. It is, in my experience, a loving and nurturing place. There are also on-line meetings on this site that you might find convenient.
I found that when I left my AH it was a time when I started to learn not to doubt myself, to have faith in my future and to stop worrying about AH. I wish the same for yourself and your family.
We don't really know what tomorrow will bring but I learnt fairly quickly that I did not have to do everything on day one, or even week one. This was just as well because my change in circumstances and the shock of loosing my dreams knocked me for six. To be honest, I think that would be the same for anyone! So in order to cope I learnt to take the time I needed to restore my energy levels and did whatever it was that I needed to do in order to achieve it - for me that is one of the truisms of 'just for today'. One of the things that I did at the end of each day was pat myself on the back and I listed 'the three best things' of the day - which helped to remind myself that however low I thought I was feeling, there were things in my life that I loved and enjoyed.
It might help you to know that after a couple of months AH told me that he respected me for leaving. We did get back together again (a little too soon I suspect - but that is another story!)
You see, AH knew how he was behaving and I don't think it did him any good at all that I tried to tolerate it. And of course, I didn't feel particularly good about myself either for putting up with that rubbish! In fact, I beat myself up quite a bit about the time I had wasted, how stupid I had been etc etc. But that didn't help me feel good about myself either - so now I just accept that I made those choices at the time and I know that I made those choices with the best of intentions. I guess that I am learning to be kinder and less judgemental of myself.
One other very important thing that I try to remember to do is to look after myself. I've learnt that if I don't do this I am inclined to become resentful and surprisingly bad tempered. Two traits that were not in my vocabulary a few years ago! I give myself little treats when I sense that I'm beginning to feel scared or angry or tired; I listen to my body and rest when I need to.
Nobody, absolutely nobody, deserves abuse. IMHO I think that most people have a much greater chance of being happy if they refuse to have abusive behaviour in their lives and in my personal experience it becomes jolly difficult to be happy whilst trying to ignore abuse.
Be gentle with yourself. You will be sad and grieving for the loss of your dream and fear for the future for both you and your children. The loss of hope is real. We have all been there and know what you are feeling. You can only live one day at a time. Do what is best for today. Enjoy your children.
I have 2 girls from a previous relationship who were 3mos and 4 yrs old when we separated. He is still struggling on and off with alcoholism and many other issues. The 2 girls are now 6 and 11 and I realize it was the best decision I could have made for us at that time. I wish I had found this site back then and learned how to take better care of myself. Be kind to yourself. You did not cause the person in your life to drink, you can not control it, and you can not cure it. I now have a one year old and am in a relationship with another alcoholic. I have a lot to learn about myself and why I seek this type of relationship. I wish you strength and courage to take this alanon journey. It has helped me tremendously in the past month. I feel better about myself and find I am taking the time to enjoy my children more. I still find myself worrying about things I don't have control of. I am a work in progress.
I can relate to so much of what you wrote--the feelings of confusion, angst and weariness come through your post. On the other side of that though, is hope, resolve and knowing you did the right thing for you and your family. As will try and put the blame anywhere else so they don't have to face what is really happening--that disease is hard at work. Wondering why we stay so long? That is a tough one but today as I was coming to work...beautiful day and I just felt hopeful and optimistic I thought...if I have been worried about why I stayed for 20+ yrs (we're in process of a divorce), at least I know I don't have to worry about staying for another 20! There was real serenity in that for me.
You will receive lots of support here. The face to face meetings are very helpful, the literature--and knowing that you are not alone.
Your story resonates with me, and there are so many similarities...
I am a male, who was married to an alcoholic wife for ten years, and struggled through those formative years... our kids were 6 & 4 when I finally left....
For me, my counsellor had to tell me (over and over again), that I was grieving/missing the "concept" of marriage, i.e. a "white picket fence marriage", but he was also quick to remind me that mine was NOT such a marriage.
You're hurting, and asking us what is the "right" thing to do?? Of course, none of us is in a position to fully know the answer to that, particularly in that whole 'stay vs leave' decision, but what I can tell you is this:
Getting yourself healthy, is the #1 priority, for you and your two precious kids.... Choosing recovery for YOU, which will more than likely include Al-Anon meetings (both face-to-face and online here), and possibly some counselling, etc., reading great books on both the disease of alcoholism, and YOUR recovery from this, etc., etc. One book that literally saved my emotional life & sanity was "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
Keep coming back - you have taken a brave (and wise) first baby step by posting here - things will get better for you as you get yourself healthier.
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I separated from my XH (not alcoholic, but abusive) when my kids were 1 and 3. I asked my current A partner to leave our house and live away from us 6 weeks ago. He is verbally abusive and very aggressive and threating to anyone in his radar when drunk, and traumatizingly terrifying. He tried to stop drinking and lasted a month, he is now falling down the black hole again. My kids are now 10 and 12, and we are still having a rough time with their dad who is endlessly cruel. So my decision is that my kids and I do not need another abusive man to torture us. I take responsibility for my kids well-being, and for their future. I am proud that I have the strength (it ebbs and flows) to stand firm and let my A drink away from us. That is his problem, not mine, and certainly not what children should live with. I have learned some very sad lessons, but the other side of the coin is that us mums have the privilege to see our children grow strong and healthy next to us. That is our prize for making the heartbreaking decisions we make.
The road ahead is not easy, but there are so many of us who have walked along it, and from reading some of the posts here, some have run as fast as they could too!
I cannot say that I have attended many alanon meetings, I live in a rural community and childcare is not always available, but when I feel my resolve wane, I come here and get a reality check.
And I can also say that we are calmer and happier not living in fear of whether the A will come home firstly, and secondly what state will he be in. To me it felt like Russian roulette, I now breathe easy.
So many supportive and wise words from all of you - THANK YOU SO MUCH! Tears were running down my face while reading your posts, it feels so good to be understood! And it feels so good to be openly talking about everything. I know that the road ahead of me is long and hard but I have to be strong for my girls and myself.
Since my ex partner moved out I find our house to be a much calmer place, there is more of a routine in place than before and I find myself not getting stressed as often or angry with the kids. Just calmer in general and I seem to have more time to focus on the kids and play with them. Definitely a change in the household dynamics, which is good.
AH comes around twice a weeks after work to see the kids. He usually brings a couple of drinks with him which really annoys me and makes me sad at the same time. I have asked him not to bring any drinks when he sees the girls but he just told me that I can tell him what to do and that I am the one with the problem.
I think I just have to learn how to detach from him and his drinking, which will hopefully come over time and with the help of Al-Anon. Everything is still so fresh and when reality sets in (every now and again) that's when I struggle the most. Other times when at work or busy with the girls I am actually fine. Its like an emotional roller coaster every day, night time is the worst.
And yes, I am grieving a lot for the loss of my dream - that is a really tough one. And grieving when I think about all the good times we had together as a couple and as a family. Very sad!
One day at a time for me now, thank you sooooo much for all your support, the great advice and kind words! ....and yes I will start to pat myself on the back from now on!
Dear Medi, You received so much wisdom through these posts. One Day at a Time, Easy Does It and so many of the other slogans may help you get through those painful, trying moments.
:( I am so sorry you are feeling so miserable now. It is so hard to detach. It is hard when you remember the good times and the good qualities, but the bad stuff stares you right in the face. It also sucks about knowing all the warning signs but your heart falls for them any way. I totally hear you. You are very, very brave to separate yourself. I know how oh so difficult that is to do!
Your story resonates with me, and there are so many similarities...
I am a male, who was married to an alcoholic wife for ten years, and struggled through those formative years... our kids were 6 & 4 when I finally left....
For me, my counsellor had to tell me (over and over again), that I was grieving/missing the "concept" of marriage, i.e. a "white picket fence marriage", but he was also quick to remind me that mine was NOT such a marriage.
You're hurting, and asking us what is the "right" thing to do?? Of course, none of us is in a position to fully know the answer to that, particularly in that whole 'stay vs leave' decision, but what I can tell you is this:
Getting yourself healthy, is the #1 priority, for you and your two precious kids.... Choosing recovery for YOU, which will more than likely include Al-Anon meetings (both face-to-face and online here), and possibly some counselling, etc., reading great books on both the disease of alcoholism, and YOUR recovery from this, etc., etc. One book that literally saved my emotional life & sanity was "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.
Keep coming back - you have taken a brave (and wise) first baby step by posting here - things will get better for you as you get yourself healthier.
Take care
Tom
I am in tears reading this. Yes you are right. We are grieving the loss of the dream and the promise of what could have been. So painful. How did you get through, Canadianguy?
I just wanted to say "THANKS" for telling me about the book "Getting them sober". I read it a couple of days ago and it was a "life saver" for me. It is all starting to make sense, I am so glad I read it.
