The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a sponsor tell me once you will know when you are ready to make any big decisions, she was talking about my bf, but I was never ready. I did, however, begin to notice when I was ready to make any big decisions I did know it, I usually calmly made the decision and I didn't question it at all. Anytime I have made any decisions in a big hurry, I did them rashly without much thought and regretted them later. Now when I want to make a decision, I make sure I do it from a place of peace and serenity. I don't do it when I'm angry or resentful. I also use the program and call someone in the program/or use this board and reason it out with them. I have also heard through acceptance of a problem, you are then ready to make some changes, it sounds to me like you are ready to start working on you. Good for you :) This program works if you work it and you are worth it :) Hugs~ just my esh, take what you like leave the rest :)
-- Edited by karma13 on Saturday 28th of September 2013 06:22:22 AM
-- Edited by karma13 on Saturday 28th of September 2013 06:22:40 AM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
This past week I was very happy to start back at square one. I truly understand now that I need to focus on myself and my own recovery. The last 2 months have been hell, even worse than all the months leading up to this past July. The reason I feel this way is that I've finally had to swallow the knots in my throat and realize that there is no yellow brick road to a happy ending here. All this time, I'd had the hope that ABF would finally be able to recover from his addiction and we'd be able to live happily ever after, with perhaps a temporary relapse here and there. However, these past few weeks have been an eye-opener for me in so many ways. I am finally realizing that I can't keep living this way. From some of the posts here I also understand that I shouldn't look to any abrupt changes in the first 6 months, however at this point I am thinking of asking ABF to leave. He has never been physically abusive to me, but I can't take the alcoholic/addict lifestyle anymore. I can't take his emotional unavailability and dishonesty, or slovenliness. I can't take the couch surfing, passive aggressive behavior, the fact that he cares for nothing more than satisfying his addictions. His own family doesn't seem to care much either. Maybe they washed their hands of him years ago. I just don't understand that part yet, the letting the addict harm/kill theirselves with addiction. I can't reconcile that, because I compare it to the knowledge that someone wants to committ suicide, and letting them do it. ESH greatly appreciated on this dark night....
Ok this is just my esh, but are you safe? If you are and it was me, I would work my program, attend meetings, read literature, get a sponsor and work my twelve steps before I made any rash decisions. I know when I first came into alanon, I would tell my guy we were breaking up all the time, but my word held no weight. I didn't even know who I was when I first came into the program, if I would have split with him then I would have fell apart. Now if I say something, as they say in alanon, I mean what I say, and say what I mean, but I don't say it mean. Almost three years into this program that I entered to change him, and I'm a different woman, and what do you know he made some changes from just being around me, if he left now, I won't lie it would hurt, because I love him, but I know now my higher power is with me all the time and I always have my program and my friends in the program to lean on when the going gets rough. Just my esh, take what you like n leave the rest, best wishes on your journey:)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Thank you karma13, I don't think I'm ready for him to leave yet, but it has gotten to that point where I look at him, and don't see any part of the man I used to know and love. I am physically safe, but emotionally broken. I don't think I can just kick him out to the street, but at the same time, the way he is now, is like a millstone around my neck, I can't move forward with him in this condition; i feel like I'll drown too along with him. I plan to keep attending the f2f meeting that is held once a week in my area. I'll keep learning and working the steps, but i will have to find online meetings that I can attend with my late work schedule 2pm-10pm pst. I also need a sponsor or sponsor(s). I'm no longer too proud to admit that I need help.
Living with an active addict is much too much for most of us to handle alone. There is hope; you can acquire what is necessary to live a peaceful life no matter what your ABF is or isn't doing. (I'm not suggesting that you leave or stay with him.)
Now is the time to dig into Alanon- get a sponsor and start working the steps. It is the most efficient way to work the program and have positive change in your life. It takes courage and the program provides a wealth of strength and support so you are not alone. In my area there are some morning meetings; MIP has online morning meetings. Read all that you can- here on the message boards, Toby Rice Drew has an informative book, "Getting them Sober", tons of Alanon sponsored literature.
Hi, Raven. Lots of good e/s/h you received here. There was a time when folks thought I had washed my hands of my loved one, too. That mindset comes from believing that family members have control over their A's disease or the A themselves. That's why we're in Al-Anon. We've learned we're powerless over all of it. The only control we have is over ourselves and our codependency and whether or not we get treatment for it. Most of us have tried to help our AC and have gotten nowhere. We've learned to detach and allow them the dignity to make their own choices and to experience the consequences of those choices, too. Step 1 is the first step to recovering from believing there is anything anybody can do to change an alcoholic or control or cure their disease. It runs contrary to popular opinion on what kind of power parents really have in relationship to our adult As. Detachment helps us save our own lives and allows our adult children the dignity they deserve to live their lives without our interference. Parents are not HPs untouched by this disease. We learn to turn our loved ones over to the care of their HP just as we learn to turn our lives into HP's care. Much encouragement and support to you as you work the steps in the Al-Anon program. Like parents, you are also powerless over your ABF and it sounds as if your life has become unmanageable? One day at a time, that will change for you. The program works if you work it.
Aloha Raven and thanks for the trust in this family and its ESH. Your post causes me to remember..."back then"...What it was like, what happened and what it is like now. I felt as you feel now and learned to hate the disease and love the addict/alcoholic. I learned not to make decisions without honesty, courage and help because without those was the reason I was married to an alcoholic/addict. I loved her and didn't know about the disease. I learned "When in doubt...don't" and from that came the lessons and acceptance of patience. I learned to choose my consequence ...first, before I chose the action I'd take and when I took the action always leave myself up for amends if after inventory I made another poor choice. It was more about changing me than changing others. I learned to accept that I would always be powerless and could be more manageable and that was what Al-Anon and our new behavioral program was about...changing the things I could. After all this time it still works and I need it to still work because after all of the struggles which still included divorce, I would not divorce myself and would always take the me I needed to change with me. I use to think that hope was gone also. I had that thought everytime I looked at or thought of "her" and then...I learned to include me in the picture and stopped leaving the responsibility for my happiness and sadness with a person unequipped and unwilling to fulfill my responsibility. You will always get that invitation; to have your sadness or happiness fulfilled by another, and now you know how to remanage that.
I can't take his emotional unavailability and dishonesty, or slovenliness. I can't take the couch surfing, passive aggressive behavior, the fact that he cares for nothing more than satisfying his addictions. His own family doesn't seem to care much either. Maybe they washed their hands of him years ago. I just don't understand that part yet, the letting the addict harm/kill theirselves with addiction. I can't reconcile that, because I compare it to the knowledge that someone wants to committ suicide, and letting them do it. ESH greatly appreciated on this dark night....
OMG...I remember when I was in this life w/my Ex husband #1........I am sooo glad I got into program and changed my ways, from attracting emotionally unavailable men, or ones who drank....the druggers i never would go near, but i did marry 2 alkies......as to his family "washing their hands of him"" they did the right thing,.....detach.....let him go....let him suffer the consequences......its not easy detaching from your own kid, but sometimes it is necessary......
but lets talk about you..........lets talk about getting into alanon meetings, face to face or online, we got them here....and latch onto a good sponsor who can guide you through the 12 step work...it is amazing what those steps have done for me and are still doing for me......I am a "stepaholic" and also in love with the slogans....i practically have them memorized and I make it a point to PRACTICE their wisdom....i call them the "proverbs" of the program.......also you need to read the literature, and just detach from him.......be nice and all that but totally disconnected from his drinking, his sick behaviour, just lelt it all go off your back.....hard but until you are ready to either live with this or dump him, you gotta work on you to get YOU healthy so this does not take you down
i am sorry, but if he is not in active AA there is little hope of a happy ever after life w/this....you will always be #2 to this addiction of choice......i dont' want to sound negative or tell you to dump him, b/c in alanon we dont' do that...its totally your choice, stay or get rid of him......whatever you do, i URGE you sincerely to get into the program and really focus on nothing else but your program..........
I made so many good changes in my life since getting into recovery and I was in it for a while and I was sooo sick...sooo screwed up so if program can help a mess like me it can help ANYone.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Waiting on someone to 'become sober' can be a long long wait..and one that won't necessarily come to fruition..we are powerless over it.
The A has no comprehension of our waiting game..what does that tell us?
Turn hope in your direction, have hope and faith that your life can and will get better; we deserve to live good fulfilling lives..and we can, whether the A is active or not
Waiting on someone to 'become sober' can be a long long wait..and one that won't necessarily come to fruition..we are powerless over it.
SPOT ON, Ness.....ANY waiting on something that is OUR job, is a waste......a smart alanoner here on this board told me on one of my posts, that it is the "why" stuff that keeps you stuck (paraphrasing) but when we ask "WHAT"...that means we are on the track of thinking SOLUTION.....and waiting on another???? useless and a waste of time.........I am gonna take care of me and do MY part of MY job of MY life.....the rest of it???? let go and take care of me........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you everyone, for all the ESH...it is certainly true that the "why" is keeping me stuck at this moment, but I can also see the "what" that will set me free. I just wanted to say to everyone that I was not trying to make anyone feel bad for any decisions involving leaving a loved one to his/her own choices; I understand the concept and its necessity, but was feeling emotionally overwhelmed last night after weeks of watching my ABF fade away before my own eyes and turn into someone scarcely recognizable. I truly am grateful that this place, and all of you are here. Thank you all so much:)
