The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
ILD Great honest share and such tremendous awareness.
I loved how you saw that although you may have been pointing a finger at the members of the group a few other fingers were pointing back at you That is how it works Good recovery
I realized many years ago that alanon had to be, for me, a special spiritual place that I cherished and that was saving my life .It was not a place that I should try to make friends or socialize. within. I have gone for coffee with members, have many sponsees over the years but our focus has always been program ,the tools, the steps etc . Keeping true to the 12th tradition of maintaining anonymity
keeps my program and meeting pure
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 25th of September 2013 08:39:35 PM
Had an awareness as to what some of my problem was last week. I wasn't feeling right with meetings because my focus got off track. It's so wonderful to have this program because I learn so much more awareness of my own issues and where things stem from, where my unhappiness comes from, and now I'm learning how to get back on track.
What I struggle with as far as jealousy and envy is in viewing other people's relationships and family structures. I have friends who spend every Sunday at the in laws and all the grandkids play together and they all go to church together, etc. It's one big happy family. Then, there's a group at my Al Anon meetings where about 10 people have an extremely close relationships within their group. They do things together, they praise each other in meetings, they support each other outside of meetings like no other group I've seen in meetings before. They are all younger than me, some divorced, some dating each other (this meeting has quite a few single men and most are now dating Al Anon women from this meeting), etc. I realized that one of the issues I was having with that meeting was jealousy and envy of their 'click', so to speak. I was trying to jump into their group, fit in, friend them on Facebook, etc. I was so busy with envying the friendships that they have with each other that I forgot why I was at that meeting to begin with.
So, back to awareness for me. I am still dealing with insanity in my life. My AH communicates with me one day, then shuts me out the next. What kills me the most is that he does it to our son, too. But, I'm learning so much awareness of who I am and why I think and function the way that I do, that AH's actions/inactions aren't as bothersome to me as they used to be. So, despite my lamenting over my issues with meetings and wondering where I was going wrong, I had to do a little self check on myself and was able to realize how I got off track. Thanks for listening!
Thanks for the share, ILD. I can certainly understand wanting what I can't have right now rather than wanting what is mine for now. Glad you saw the underlying source of your discomfort and shared it with us. Looking at my glass as half full rather than half empty was certainly progress for me, too. I love that you continued to go to meetings even after you found yourself feeling disconnected or uncomfortable there for awhile. Helps the rest of us remember to keep our focus on ourselves and not the other members of Al-Anon, too.
I so relate to a lot of your posts and this one is no exception. Before Alanon, one major shortcoming for me was being jelous and envious, especially of family's or as I perceived happy families. I wanted a happy family and seeing others reminded me of what I dont have and it was such a basic expectation for me. Why did it not work out that way for me and it did others? I was very angry and often I harboured ill will towards those that had what I didnt.
This comes creeping back into my life, almost on a daily basis, less so now but if things are not right this is one that comes back. I try hard to think good thoughts and I smile at people as they pass and this forces out the bad feelings. I also forgive myself because there are certain facts that I must accept - I did not have the family I wanted or expected - I have a damaged family. These are the basic facts but I also must have hope that things can get better for my family and it all begins with me. If I can change this powerful defect of character then I can change other defects and hopefully my new improved outlook can help my family in their own struggle with the effects of my ex ah's drinking.
I also realise that my imagination can run riot - there are issues in every family or group of friends, I just cant see the bigger picture so its better to turn my eyes in rather than out. Take care.x
As I work the program, I become better at holding myself accountable for keeping the focus on me. (I was very practiced at distracting myself with what's going on with others.) The more I am able to focus on myself, acceptance and the things that I can change, the more comfortable I become. The more comfortable I become, the more I attract friends.
yea, we see others and its tempting to compare, but ya know??? we don't know it all about them, so yea, I have been there..comparing and I see it does me no good....i have my good "stuff" that they may not.....i think a lot of times it evens out somewhere...
great job.....observing them and then coming back and observing you and what you gotta do......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I to, get jealous and envious of others very easily. Over the years, with the help of the program, I have been able to look at the positives in my own life and see that my life isn't so bad. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I envy other couples for having each other. I see them come out together and leave together, while I go home alone. But, I don't know what happens with them when they get home. Maybe they fall even deeper in love, but maybe they argue like cats and dogs. Maybe they live a glamorous life, or maybe they are $20,000 in debt to keep up a mirage. I don't know.
I've seen couples that everyone thought would get married, end up breaking up. Couples noone gave a chance, get married. They say for every beautiful woman, there is a guy out there tired of f*&*ing her :). Much like everything in life it becomes routine.
I have friends who grew up very wealthy. When I hear them announce their 'problems', I cringe. Many of their accomplishments are career oriented. Unfortunately, in the workplace everyone is replaceable. No matter how many degrees you earn or quarterly company awards you win. I used to try and suggest ways to fix them myself but then I start to think about my accomplishments. I used to try to 'compete' but now I don't see a reason for it. I don't need to announce my accomplishments because I know they happened.
I have told my story of growing up in an alcoholic home in front of large crowds. Fellow members thanking me for giving them hope, for them and their teenage children. I have chatted with people on linkedin and guided them through their careers. These are things they don't do. Things that touch other humans, things they will remember.
Also, some people may have all these other things, but your life is yours. Noone else can touch that. The beauty is that you have the capacity to change it and change your outlook.
Thanks for the support everyone! Believe me, I know that I look put together and like I have it all, when you see me from the outside and don't know me very well. I have a nice house in an upscale neighborhood, we own both our cars, carry no debt except for our house, belong to a country club, my kid is well clothed, we attend church (well, my son and I do, not my AH), etc. Basically, we look good and smell good, lol. When some of my tennis friends found out that AH got his DUI and their husbands saw my AH drunk a few times, they started seeing me differently. One lady once told me that she got the impression from my AH that I was a b*tch because I nagged him about his drinking (pre al Anon days) but once her husband saw mine obliterated one night and then found out about the DUI and our marriage problems, she apologized to me and said, "You just never know what's going on behind closed doors, do you?" Nope, you sure don't.
Always knowing that it's progress, not perfection, right?
I got it...had it too and with the help of my sponsor learned that the solution to envy and jealousy was gratitude (making lists of things I was grateful for) and I consider the question my sponsor asked me during a discussion on the subject of others being so much better and me wanting what they had..."would you also want their problems"? The answer was obvious and now I accept that my life is exactly as it was supposed to be. I can change it anytime I want however how to you change from satisfied to what? Love the ESH. ((((hugs))))
I too have felt the pang and sting when I've seen couples in love, holding hands, kissing, hugging each other. Things that I've only had a few times, long ago with ABF. The things that I'm thankful for, are finding this site and realizing that I'm not really alone, and understanding that life is what we make it. I used to feel trapped in this situation, and think that I had no choice. Now, through reading, praying, and AlAnon, I realize I don't have to choose to stay "stuck."
Thanks to everyone for their wonderful shares which help so many.
I have a nice house in an upscale neighborhood, we own both our cars, carry no debt except for our house, belong to a country club, my kid is well clothed, we attend church (well, my son and I do, not my AH), etc. Basically, we look good and smell good, lol.
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Basically we look good and smell good..... I love that. That was me too. You are just 20 years behind me. Don't compare your insides (awareness of what you don't have) to other people's outsides (what it looks like they have) because you don't know what they don't have, what they wish for that you have. I taught school and I would watch the kids in the hallways between classes in the high school and I would see girls who had a boyfriend who obviously was crazy for them and I would feel so jealous. Then I would turn on myself and castigate myself for being jealous of a teenager..... but I longed for that loving feeling from a mate.
All you can do is take one day at a time and make that day the best day FOR YOU that you can. The years will fly by. You need to be able to look back on the days that you have and smile.
I have always been envious of independant women who seem to function just fine without a man.
Recently I made such a friend- a lady who raises her daughter alone, owns her own home, has a good career, and has proudly declared to me on many occasions that she's just "happier" not having to deal with a relationship....to me she has found the holy grail!
But the other night, I was having a moan about my A and she confessed that she feels lonely and envious of people in relationships, even when she hears about the problems...lol the grass is always greener I guess.
