The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
No. That is not part of the recovery process. Being irritable, moody, miserable,grasping at straws outside of oneself ARE part of the dry drunk-no meeting untreated alcoholism process. As an alcoholic, when I am working my program, I can see relatively quickly that most all of my problem lie in my own attitudes and thinking. When not working a program, I flip into victim mode and blame others. Also, at five months sober it was becoming clear that I didnt like the person I was sober either. I got to work on the steps at that time so I could change and stop the madness. It would have been easier to blame and stop focusing on me. Next step, the disease will tell him that it was only you that had a problem with his drinking and he will likely relapse. That's is what happens when we stop working on our recovery (speaking from my personal experience with the alcoholic side of things).
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 21st of September 2013 03:36:42 PM
My AH has been sober for 5 months. The verbal abuse has stopped which is such a relief. Last night he came home from work and said he wanted to end the marriage. He said he knew I was having an affair and had many online friends. This totally blew my mind. I tried to tell him I was not having an affair and I didn't have online friends but he would not listen. Is this part of the alcoholic process? He said statistics show that couples break up at the 5-6 month point. By the way he stopped going to AA about 6 weeks ago. Thanks for providing a place to ask questions and vent.
Thank you Pinkchip for your post. In fact he did tell me that I was the one that had the issue with his drinking and he stopped because of me and since that time I have not shown him any more love than I did when he was drinking. Your post is as if you were in the room during our discussion.
He finally told you the truth about why he stopped drinking and now he is faced with "that doesn't work". I assume that he doesn't have sober support around him and believe from my experience that he is dealing with that major emotion that all alcoholics often try to temper with alcohol...fear. Fear of everything and his mind has to come up with explanations or false evidence to relieve the pressure. He's done. If he doesn't get back into the program and work it as suggested the actual total relapse (return to drinking) will come very soon. If you're attending Al-Anon just one of the supportive sayings is the 3Cs...I didn't Cause it, I cannot Control it, I will never be able to Cure it. Keep coming back here for your support and your own program. ((((hugs))))
What I notice with most active A's and I am probably an odd bird because I do consider dry drunks without a program active in technical terms, there is sooo much talk. I'm currently divorcing and had I never filed I don't think he would have .. probably 14 months ago he was flying around work telling everyone he could how we were divorcing there were no hard feelings and how there was no third party .. LOL .. all so not true at the time. My feelings were certainly hurt and YES there was a third party involved on his side of the fence, interestingly enough he was having an affair at work. Well guess what .. the new improved story all this time later is that I wanted the divorce I kicked him out for no good reason .. (now I'm laughing as I type this only because how the story has changed) he has NOOO idea why I did that and I filed and now I won't let go of the divorce. He's in a bad way, hurt and confused. SERIOUSLY?! When I heard that story I was so shocked, .. this is he is at least as an active A, no program, no time dry. The reason I filed was to protect myself and the kids financially .. he was threatening not to pay and when it comes to money, .. in his case .. he will choose not to pay and that is his MO across the board so because I know my situation better than anyone else .. filing was the best thing for me to do. Trust me .. if I don't pay it .. it doesn't get paid if it's left up to him and he takes the whole I didn't know tact.
It was not a knee jerk reaction for me to file .. I dragged .. I waited 5 months after he was out to file. Again it was the right thing for me and the kids.
I love the 3 P's .. Pause Pray and Proceed. I hope you are taking care of you regardless if he's drinking or not .. that part of the deal is pointless to focus on. I can learn where I have power and alanon has helped me realize I'm not helpless. Powerless and helpless two totally different things going on. I hope you can get to a face to face meeting they help especially when you have to deal with crazy.
PS - A year later after I filed I was accused of having an affair with a married man at his work .. nothing like a little projection .. I know him .. however I know him through his wife.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Nothing to add to the knowledge or wisdom already shared with you. I just hope you continue to return to MIP, attend Al-Anon meetings, stay close to good friends and Al-Anon fellowship and know that although he might say crazy things, it isn't because you've done anything to bring it on and you don't have to say or do anything to try to "change his mind." There is no way to reason with the insanity of this disease.
Sorry for you, just when you felt like the pressure was easing up and you could see some light. Wish I had some insight for you.
Who knows, maybe he is looking for an excuse to drink? Like, oh my wife is having an affair-- I must drink away the pain while saying I want a divorce.
A few years ago, the first time I tried to quit smoking cigarettes I looked so hard for an excuse to start back up. Anything that I could explain to other people why I went back. Nothing was ever good enough so I just became a closet smoker.
Anyway , the people here have some wonderful insights to share with you. Just keep reading and asking for thoughts.
My A was always telling me he wanted a divorce when he was trying to stop drinking. My experience he is trying to get you to respond and make a dramatic scene so he can start drinking again. Alcoholics always looking for excitement and fuel, they cant face the world sober, its too difficult for him. Like David said, detach and don't react....
Bettina
My AH #1 did the same thing....no program, trying to stop b/c he was sick and his body TOLD him to give it a rest, but yea, it was my fault....i see now he was baiting me to give him an excuse to drink again, but yea, he wanted a divorce and I wold tell him "ok, u start it and I'll sign" of course he did not go to lawyer...I was too "willing" to let him go......he needed drama...chaos.....me being in a tizzy.....even b4 alanon, i just started to disconnect from him, b/c I just did not give a darn anymore.....David is right............detach and do NOT react......they can't keep burning if their is no oxygen for their fire........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My AH did something very similar -- and it came a little while after he stopped going to AA meetings. Come to find out the drinking had started again. It took me quite a while to figure that out, but then the crazy behavior started to make sense, if you follow me. Whatever tools you would use to keep your serenity if he were drinking again, this may be a time for those tools, whether he's drinking or not.
Thank you for all of the posts. He came home last night and when I was asked what I had done all day, I told him I had looked for a temporary place to go. He said that the only thing I had gotten out of our conversation was to separate and that was not what he wanted. He asked me to go to joint counseling with him. We have been going to counseling separately. The conversation was all about him. All of his statements were "I" statements. I am ready to move on. The joy of the relationship is gone. I am happy with the person I've become and ready to enjoy life again.
See, Beabop? There is no way to reason with insanity. None of what he is saying as I read your post is clear. "I want to end the marriage." "No, that wasn't what I was meaning." "I want us to go to joint counseling." "I am ready to move on. The joy of the relationship is gone. I am happy with the person I've become and ready to enjoy life again." He sounds confused to me. And - if we allow it - we become confused, too. Al-Anon helps us keep the focus on ourselves and let our As say and do whatever they will without us taking it 100% seriously. Abuse is the one thing I'd take seriously and my need for a recovery program that I work in earnest.
If he stopped going to AA 6 weeks ago he is no longer in recovery , stinkin thinkin rules .. early sobriety is hard for both partners for us confusion on what to expect , I lovingly call early sobriety Stark Raving sober frankly they are off the wall , plans change every day , insecurities driving them nuts , blaming others for the mess they have created in other words he dosent have a clue what he wants . If he starts to work the steps backwards he will drink again . If he wants to separate let him do the work ,don't take anything too seriously at this point , I hope you are attending Al-Anon for yourself your going to need support . My husb left our home after 9 months of sobriety , we had been married for 25 yrs at the time , he started to drink almost imediatley and continued to do so for another 6 months at which time he decided to quit drinking with no help from me , his leaving our home was the best thing that he could have done for us , he found out that home was where he wanted to be and became willing to do what he had to do to be here , in six months I found out that I was going to be okay with out him . We have 24 yrs of sobriety in our home to day and we are married 46 yrs . . Don't give up there is always hope . with this program you will discover that with or with out him YOU will be okay. Louise
yeah, it's always our fault 
DavidG.