Feeling crappy when I leave meetings - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling crappy when I leave meetings

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi guys, I'm a bit frustrated at the moment. I have been going to a minimum of 2 meetings a week. I have a scheduled time to call my sponsor weekly and I have a few other program friends whom I chat with every so often during the week. My biggest issue is that I don't feel connected to my sponsor. This past week she texted me to tell me that work was running late and that she would have to reschedule. I texted her to tell her that it was OK and then texted again to ask, "What's a better time to call?" I never heard back from her. I texted her later again to ask her if all was OK with her and if she wanted me to call on Friday. I still haven't heard back from her and she wasn't at last night's meeting where I usually see her. This happens often with her and I sometimes feel very disconnected from her. I've been with her for just over a year and, as much as I love having a sponsor, I sometimes wonder if I should find someone else.

She sent out an email phone call time list to her sponsees last month and I realized that she had 14 people sponsored. I have no idea how she can commit that much time to program, work full time, go to meetings, and be a parent and grandparent, too. That's nearly 14 hours of phone time with folks, right? I wonder sometimes if she's getting overwhelmed with her schedule?

Also, I've been feeling crappy when I am in meetings and then after. I used to be really fired up after meetings and have so much energy. Lately, I feel drained and unmotivated to work my program. I don't hate the program or anything like that and I'm not looking to stop working it, I just feel like I'm blah. Any suggestions or experience in these areas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks~ smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I do suggest a new sponsor and try some new meetings too. Keep it fresh and keep looking for inspiration.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

14 sponsees????? time to look for another sponsor who has the time you need for interacting with YOU.......and ya never know....a fresh new sponsor w/new ideas and slants on things might make it for you

I use my long time girlfriends they have been in reacovery longer than I and I can rely on the most of the time (they are human) and it works for me....also i have my sis who was in mental health b4 retirement and she has done much research on my "problems" and did that to help me.....she is really the greatest, so I am covered pretty well.......

however I did "go outside" and did have sponsors .....1 got married and left his sponsees, me included...........1 betrayed my confidences.......and that probably turned me off of sponsors unless I really really know a recovery person, I MIGHT share but I am reserved,....very reserved.....I have an online sponsor who is very ill , now, but he has been a saint.....he started w/me and lately he hasn't been feeling well....I owe him so much b/c when I was new to this program, he really took me under his wing.....he has a similiar past and I don't know how I could have come to be willing to love me had it not been for his and my (close knits) helping me, but that one "fresh" input from him, helped me.....yea, i had my sis...my girlhood friends......he was the whip creme on my already good cake but that whip cream had a lot of new ideas for me to try.................i sure hope he is feeling better..............gonna email him today, b/c I am thinking of him.....

u will find another....just keep observing the ones who may be interested in and it will come

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Availability is critical. In alanon, our qualifiers are not emotionally available so having a sponsor that is the same....not good. Granted they have lives but still... I also can see getting frustrated and feeling like "When is crap going to change?" Well....crap isn't gonna change. You are going to change. So it wind up being acceptance and back to work. I've been through several slumps like that. Keep trudging forward.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow 14 sponsees, if they were all like me my first year could be more than a full time job. I think you know the answers there and sending out a mass email to you all is not keeping anonimity (spelled wrong lol). Sending you love and support!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Just passing this on after mentioning it with a member at this mornings meeting. He told me "Find and use whatever you can to gain and maintain your serenity" and therefore gave me permission to go beyond him for support. I took him literally and was so grateful for the results. When he wasn't available he wasn't available and I had no excuses to keep going in my recovery. It is my choice and my consequences. I give the same thing to my sponsees. If they can duplicate me...go for it. When I feel crappy about anything? Honest inventory...mind; body; spirit and emotions. ((((hugs)))) smile

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, Jerry, that's why I have program friends, some of them who sponsor others, too. But, my sponsor knows so much more about my life and what's going on it it and in the past, etc, so it's hard to have a deeper intimate conversation with folks who are acquaintances in program with me. Does that make sense? I just started going to a new meeting on Monday AMs too, so that I can meet some new folks.

Oh, and I went back to her email list where she is requesting us to confirm our call times with her and actually, there are 16 people on the sponsee list including me, LOL! Now, some of those ladies she told me are 20 years in program and sponsor their own sponsees so their call times aren't as long and don't take as much emotional energy from her, either. Unfortunately, I am feeling lost in working my steps, don't seem like I'm getting the guidance I want, but then I put it back on ME and say, "Well, everybody has their own way of helping sponsees work the steps so when others get up and talk about making lists while doing their 4th step and you weren't required to do that, doesn't mean that you did it wrong." Seriously, I hear how others have worked their steps and what their sponsors had them do and I wonder what the heck they're talking about. I just feel like I'm not working the steps properly and I really have no one IRL to talk to about it. I mean what do I say, "I like how your sponsor works the steps with you, mine does this(or that) and I feel like I'm getting the shaft."? I guess I feel like prying into how others work their steps is a bit personal but I hear folks talk at meetings and I'm scratching my head wondering where I'm going wrong. Is it my sponsor and her methods that just aren't working for me or is it me?

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I needed sanity so badly that it appeared to me that if I didn't reach out to others and simply ask "can you help me with something"? I was gonna end up in the toilet or a cage somewhere. So I did. The closing of the meeting say "take what you like...leave the rest" another is "If you keep and open mind you will find help" and those are "you" statements and give me permission to do what I need to find and maintain what is very very necessary for my own peace of mind and serenity. I do not discuss ever what another person in program does or how they do it and I do not compare. I take what I like...leave the rest and keep anonymity. Something might not be working for me and if I know that I go after the wide support. My current sponsor knows that I do not have as much need for direction as I once had and so we share successes. I see him about once a week and we monitor each other and share. My sponsees are held responsible for their choices and their work. We discuss recovery goals and life consequences and choices, we "step" when "stepping" becomes lax and negative consequences appear. They have personality and character and there are times when their own "twist" at working a step, slogan, tradition is acknowledged. My sponsees are not disabled. They have come thru some pretty nasty areas which show that they have survivor skills and often all they have to do is "tweak" the skill rather than jack it up and rebuilt it entirely. Most change is "tweaking"...there are millions of alternatives we can use and perspectives plus the time to try them out. Are you facing fear? Is there a resentment hanging around? Do you feel apathetic and confused? Is there envy and jealousy mixed in? Are you lonely and needy?. Do the discovery and see what comes out. You have the moxie and time...go girl. ((((hugs)))) smile

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

ILD, This is how it works with my sponsor and I don't know how many people she sponsors I know it's more than just me. She also has her own sponsor and that is a must if someone is going to be a sponsor .. they need to be attending at min one meeting a week, practicing their program and have their own sponsor. All of us can be just as sick as we were the day we ventured into alanon at any given point and time.

She's very busy and if I really need her she knows it and she will call. I would say we have a bond and I really like her. She's someone who is a very open and loving .. it's incredibly humbling at times to work with her because I always think man .. when I grow up I want to be like HER! I do know we have gone periods of having a hard time meeting up. I don't have an opportunity to meet with her face to face we do a lot of phone time though sometimes texting usually on the phone.

She very much is my cheerleader and she validates me and what I am dealing with .. she also questions me when she may not agree with what I say or think (IKR .. GASP!) LOL .. she guides me in my program and gives me a lot of space to mess up and figure things out. She will nudge me if I am focusing outside of myself. She just listens and I am finding that she's really been wonderful in just allowing me to blossom. I credit her sponsorship with parts of my growth that I couldn't do alone.

OMGosh we laugh .. a LOT .. we laugh more of our conversation than not .. I wouldn't hesitate to pick up the phone if I was having an alanon emergency and there were times I would literally call and be crying and she knew and would take time for me in that moment, if she couldn't she always has gotten back to me.

Now that being said .. when I first started working with her .. honestly ... I thought I made a mistake .. I was like umm .. this just isn't working for me I don't know what to think I didn't know what to do. She wasn't my cup of tea and I could slap myself for even thinking that now. The issue was ME not her .. I was not in a good place (umm DUH). I do know sometimes relationships don't click for whatever reason and a gift of alanon for me is learning what works and what doesn't. I know I have to do my part and figure out where I need to let time take time OR I need to reevaluate what I'm doing and do something different. I really like Pause Pray and Proceed that's really where I am at right now .. I can let go and let God in a situation things do work so much better.

As far as the Alanon face to face meetings .. I have really struggled this past few months and again it's me and some personal situations that have developed. I still believe very strongly in the Alanon program. Sometimes for me and this is just how I am hardwired, I'm not isolating because I'm doing better at taking care of me .. I just need to take a step back and process everything. For a bit I found that the alanon/aa meetings instead of creating healthy behaviors I got very stuck in focusing on the STBX .. I went to my first meeting in many weeks and I'm committed to going to the AA morning meeting next weekend. I can't wait the kids are excited it's a big breakfast deal. I will LOVE seeing everyone. The meeting last night was wonderful so I'm going to start again. I'm just choosing to limit the time. The kids deserve more of my time and attention at the moment. They have had to go through a lot especially in the past 10 weeks. The other thing is I need to focus on me in a different way.

When I figure out what I need though and how to get those needs met in a healthy way I do so much better.

Hugs P :)

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

I have a sponsor that is very busy. I take into account that she is who she is. And, it is what it is. Being a sponsor myself, helps me see how important it is to work the program.
And, sometimes I feel that I am having trouble feeling better when I leave the meetings. I used to go to bed w/ so much anxiety after my Weds. meeting. Not now because I am
fortunate that our meeting time changed to 3:30 pm. I think my HP knew that I needed it not to mention our "trusted leader."
Just food for thought.
Kathleen

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.