The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would tend to agree with the baby comparison...we forget so quickly the pain in the joy & excitement of that new love of the child.
( Now I'm not saying it was right that I logged into his Facebook via my my phone and snooped) But I guess my A was REAL torn up over the loss of ME the 3yrs investment of our "love" and engagement as it only took him an hour to hop on Facebook and begin messaging a few mutual lady friends to ask them if they were married and if they would like to go to a movie this weekend or get together. Now he is sober - 9 months Saturday!
I guess better waste only 3yrs than 5 or 7, and after the incident 11months ago I'm lucky to be walking away alive and have HP to be ever so thankful to. I should have broken contact then And I wouldn't be struggling and emotional all over again now. I knew better and just wouldn't do the right thing and allowed myself to be hurt more.
This is a gift in giving myself.. I promised I couldn't do it because my family asked or pleaded, I had to do for me. Thank you all for your wisdom.. I'm a baby in this, but I'm gonna walk sooner or later
-- Edited by New_Day on Friday 20th of September 2013 01:20:02 AM
First off, it's "AngieP" had to delete my account and lay low a bit.. Got google and found on here posting about "planning to break off contact."
I did end the relationship tonight as promised to myself as a bday gift (a lil early) and wow was it a firework show, I've been feeling sorry for him dang I should have been feeling sorry for ME! Why am I such a slow learner? He's hurt me & hurt me and still emotionally hurting me and allow it, I feel sorry for myself, him, want to fix it... What the heck is wrong my my Instincts, how did they get so broken and how do I fix them?
Goodness I'm just a mess! If he tells me to go find someone else one more time I may grab him by the throat and give him a taste of his own medicine ... I don't want to think about another relationship for the next 40YEARS!
I truly love him but its too unhealthy, too exhausting and increasingly too dangerous ... I've just sacrificed so darn much it's sad, knowing all I've lost along the way, the peices of myself, the emotional toll, the collateral damage to my now grown children... All gave some, some gave ALL.
Thanks for listening to a broken heart, Angie P... A "new_day"
Aloha Angie...Reading your post made me miss and want to do the practice of sitting real still in a quiet place and just focusing on the stillness and the quiet desiring to be wrapped in it. I had to learn periods of quietness inbetween the period of chaos and crises or I would not have enough of me to go on. Go get some quiet...you'll be okay...take your HP with you. ((((hugs))))
"Breaking up is hard to do", songs have been written. You didnt expect him to go quietly into the nite?
I can see your point about getting into another relationship, I was separated from the A for 7 years or so, only dated
one man and I knew him from High School, my first love. He started talking marriage and I was gone.
Too much baggage still on both sides. Him with is 16 year old daughter and nagging ex wife and me, still feeling damaged.
I don't want to bring any of that into another relationship , if there is one. I will be ok if there isnt. so far I'm not interested.
I stilll have some stuff in me that needs to be worked out. Recently my husband passed away in Mid July. I have come to terms with it in my head, my heart still needs to heal.
Jerry is right, I love the quiet moments. I even have cut any nite conversations with friends on the phone.
I want it quiet. Tonite there is a Harvest Moon, I will take my chair outside and gaze...it makes me happy.
I think break ups are liking having babies. We swear we won't do it again. And then we do. We always do. When we've given ourselves to a relationship and it ends, we swear we'll never do it again. But, we usually do if we're healthy at all. And when we do - give ourselves again to someone or something - we feel whole and alive again. All relationships - even good ones end. And for some strange reason, no matter how painful the end of a relationship can be, we give ourselves to life and to love again.
Wishing you serenity. It was a great time of personal growth when I allowed myself to experience knowing myself "separate" from involvement with a man. Wishing you a joyous adventure as you get to know yourself more. Hugs TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You had to do it for you. What a powerful statement of self-validation you've written. In the end, that's about all that will keep us true to ourselves. Doing what we do that is in our best interest because we've heard our inner voice, trusted and heeded it, and then made the changes necessary to take good care of our precious selves with the power that only our HP can give us.
Grateful, I had to laugh at your birth analogy. I feel the way that Angie does: No more relationships if this marriage of mine doesn't work out. I'm done. And, when I said I was done after 1 pregnancy and birth I meant it. I have 1 kid, I wasn't going through labor a second time, NO WAY, LOL!
Angie, glad to see you back. Stay strong, keep working your program, we're here for you! HUGS!
QUOTE.....If he tells me to go find someone else one more time I may grab him by the throat and give him a taste of his own medicine ... I don't want to think about another relationship for the next 40YEARS! I truly love him but its too unhealthy, too exhausting and increasingly too dangerous ... I've just sacrificed so darn much it's sad, knowing all I've lost along the way, the peices of myself, the emotional toll, the collateral damage to my now grown children... All gave some, some gave ALL. Thanks for listening to a broken heart, Angie P... A "new_day"
OMG...after a breakup in the past, I would JUMP into a new relationship...just could not be alone w/ME....THEN program....now its a different story....i may have too much baggage to even be in another relationship..........if it is meant, it will happen, but i am not looking............dunno if i am healthy enough....sometimes i think yes....other times....no............I , too, after a real toxic breakup w/a real toxic man, used to think i loved him sooo much, but really....now w/alanon eyes, how could i love someone so toxic and unhealthy and even potentially dangerous....your ex sounds like my X AH #1........it wasn't, i discovered here in the program.......i wasn't that i ever loved him.....how do ya love one who gives so much pain..........I didn't.......it was a sick need in me to be w/the familiar....toxic....yelling and screaming....broken promises.......same ole same ole only now it was adult me in a marriage...........
you will discover as you discover you and learn to lvoe you that it wasn't really love, it was some sorta "need" in you...in him.....that brought u 2 together.......he was a lesson....that is all......it took year of hard work in program to show me that that is NOT love....its a coda relationship that was mutually toxic b/c I had my own baggage and problems in that awful relationship...........it wasn't just him.....it was me and my sick belief that I didn't deserve any better than him....thank God i have changed off of THAT notion.......now i am OK to be alone if alone is whats best..........i leave that to creator and i just try to go it one day at a time
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good to hear from you Angie. The broken heart will heal. Sounded like the relationship was making you a broken person and that is no longer occurring, so that is a good thing. Be nice to yourself. Give yourself whatever you thought he was good for (and really wasn't). You will grow fulfilled and whole and then, should you later choose another relationship, it will be far healthier. That's been my experience at least.
