The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I went back to step 4 again, and found out more interesting things about where my values get hurt.
and one thing that I noticed now, that I never noticed before, going back to my lists I wrote down months ago, is that down on the root of my own Self, there is a huge part of loneliness. which I have difficulties to understand. Where does that come from? it explains a lot my neediness and clinging, and controlling and jealousy issues that disturb me and my peace of mind from time to time. I want people close but not too close, i want company, but not too much. I know the feeling of feeling lonely in the middle of a group or crowd all too well. Then I like being on my own, but then I tend to over think.
I grew up in a quite functional family, until a certain point i guess. I am the last of 3, usually played alone in my own fantasy world, imagining my grown up life a lot nicer, where I would finally create my own, have my own family, and not depend so much on others. My sisters say still today that I have been a spoiled child, whereas I say i was maybe loved a lot by parents, as the last one, but also definitely left much more alone than the other 2 . I suffered most as a teenager when both my sisters left the house to study abroad. that was a hard time...even more on my own, nobody to share with in the house....
I have always been a team player, in sports too. but i also felt most safe playing and being on my own. That's why I enjoyed traveling backpacking so much. Me on my own pace, wandering through the world, creating my own memories.
i know this has not much to do with A's ... but it is the root of my step work, and I feel I'm coming pretty close to tackle something important, finding maybe what could be the roots of co-dependent traits, that evolved only through time.
does anybody have those feelings of loneliness and confusion, wanting company, but then not. ?? maybe I'm therefore finding partners for relationships that I feel close too but that are out of reach for some reason, emotionally unavailable....maybe maybe maybe...if only I could explain this to myself.
Besides, my situation today is also extreme, i live in foreign country, foreign culture, love it hate it, because I learn a lot, because i am exhausted trying to integrate, because differences are huge. I feel great isolation at times, but also great connectedness at times. it's really strange that I chose this life. I kind of escaped from the closeness of my family, too much craziness going on, blaming and unhealthy issues. I miss home when I'm far, but when I'm actually there, I want to leave. the same happens with some groups of friends too. I have never been a loner as a child. I used to be opposite, i loooooved the family gatherings, the togetherness, the playing games nights, i loved that harmonious house as a kid. am i turning into a weirdo loner...or is that me protecting myself from some sort of hurt....
i feel I am asking for the impossible.maybe I'm just crap at getting close in relationships. But i do feel lonely...also right now. I wish I had somebody to share these wonderful opportunities with, that I am having here and in life in general.
just needed to share. can't keep all those thoughts to myself.
Working Sep 4 and examining my motives I too found that deep feeling of loneliness of which you speak Going deeper I found that very early in life, as a small child of 7 or 8 , living in a severely dysfunctional family I decided that the world was too dangerous, frightening and painful that I could not trust myself to it.
I then devised a way to build a wall around myself and wall myself in and keep me safe Then I went about keeping everyone away, people pleasing focusing on them, learning how to adjust and live by accommodating them and not letting them close That was the "exact nature of my wrongs".
It took work and many meetings to enable me to remove the wall and allow others in
Assimilation to a different country and culture is hard work! I think it is understandable to have times of loneliness - wanting company and also not wanting company.
That said, similar to Hotrod's post, I had developed patterns growing up in dysfunction that no longer serve me well. (maybe they never did) I am finding that I can be more comfortable with myself and trust myself... so, I'm ok alone, but equally important to be with friends. ODAT
thank you for sharing your experience with me... will have to find my healthy balance as well in this!maybe i just got stuck in too many difficult issues at the same time. work in progress...
