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Ugh, A has switched addictions again and I must get my head together and control my anger and dissapointment and keep the focus on myself! When I met him, he was an out of control drunk who would make booty-calls at 3am every night; and, being a newly-single and awfully codependant mum I was just lonely enough to "love" him and try to "help" him.
After a couple of years he moved in with me after being evicted and took up a computer game; I've mentioned before, this went on for 5 years and became so bad that he was playing this game upwards of 18 hours every day, sometimes in 40-hour blocks, sleeping on a mouldy mattress with his computer, peeing in bottles, screaming and becoming violent if I spoke or tried to enter the room, and neglecting every possible aspect of his life whilst I paid the rent and bills and cooked and cleaned and prayed and cried and thought I would truly go mad. He would not leave the room for weeks at a time and became pale and shapeless and extremely sick looking. He still drank a lot, but the computer game was first and formost and he told me point blank that he would rather die than stop playing it. I don't know if anyone has ever seen a real computer game addiction in full swing but it's absolutely horrifying. Don't ask me why I stayed because I truly, truly don't know. I was a very, very sick woman. I can't even describe how awful those years were; he was an abusive monster that lived in the dark and came out screaming and breaking things if anyone made noise or did anything to disrupt his playing or if I didn't provide him with food, alcohol, cigarettes, an internet connection, etc. I still feel sick with shame when I contemplate how long I lived with it and tried to hide it from everyone and how many ridiculous things I did to try to show him that I loved him in the hopes that it would "snap him out of it".
So I started reading up on not enabling etc and got better and better at it and started to detatch and not do anything for him, and that was liberating and life started to get better.
And then, 8 months ago, I finally said "enough" and packed my bags and he suddenly "quit" his game and promised a "wonderful future", apologised for the shocking things he had done to all of us during his gaming and shortly after, the drinking and gambling started up in full force and after 8 months of that, I came here where I've hopefully been getting better still. He has been working and paying his share of the rent and bills during this time and he's been a drunk but compared to his gaming years, he's been a prince and maintained that he will never go back to "that game" ever again. Wow my perceptions are so very, very distorted and sick.
Now of course the gaming wasn't a problem because at least he wasn't drinking so much anymore and then the drinking wasn't a problem because at least he wasn't gaming anymore and now- yep, he's taken up that same game again which isn't a problem because he hasn't had a problem with ANYTHING for ages in fact the only person that has ever had a problem with ANYTHING he does is ME and why shouldn't he play a game if he chooses to? And all of that vile behaviour is coming back already after just a few weeks; he is obsessed again and can't stand to be away from the game and gets very angry if I try to speak about anything at all or even look at him. He's dragged that old mouldy (and mean really mouldy and gross) mattress into the spare room with his computer and built himself a little fortress of empty beer and wine bottles, rubbish and rancid food and dishes. And I feel such anger and sadness because he promised he would never, ever again do this after the monster he became last time; and that was why I stayed and persevered and of course now, he shrugs it off and says "I'll do what I want".
And infuriatingly, he comes home from work and gives me a kiss as he literally runs past me to his computer and calls "I love you" as if everything is perfectly normal and we can have a great relationship that involves a 2 second kiss and a platitude each day. That meaningless kiss enrages me more than anything else. The only time he leaves his room after that is to get beer from the fridge.
Well, the phrase "changing deck-chairs on the titanic" comes to mind.
And maybe this is an opportunity for me to see that nothing, NOTHING I do is going to help or fix this man. (I guess for a time, knowing that he quit his game because I was leaving made me think I had some power but now I see he was just making sure he kept his enabling princess close).
So, rant rant, whinge whinge, and now that I've gotten that off my chest, time to smile ruefully and get on with what's important which is ME and MY SANITY. Because I really truly could go insane with anger about this after all of those promises and lies and I don't want that.
So, thus far today I have :
-Booked driving lessons, I can only afford 1 a fortnight but it's a start.
-Booked a dentist appointment as my teeth have been killing me for ages and I couldn't bring myself to go to the dentist.
-Registered for a single-parent "house-share" site (great potential solution to my housing problem).
-Joined a single parents group that meets for coffee and social occasions (I'm really going to need friends or at least some social contact).
-Dragged my exercise equipment in from the garage (but notably have not yet used it lol).
-Started some step 1 exercises (because the only way I'm going to overcome this anger is to get back to accepting my powerlessness).
And that's it. Hopefully a good start. I don't ever want to feel the rage and helplessness I felt during his gaming years ever, ever again. So I have to choose not to, and I'm going to have to work hard at it.
"And that's it." ? Melly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You have done an incredible amount of changing what you can in a very short amount of time. I am so impressed with the list you've created and the follow through on it, too!!!!!!!!!! Beautiful piece of good news to read this am. Thank you so much for your share.
And infuriatingly, he comes home from work and gives me a kiss as he literally runs past me to his computer and calls "I love you" as if everything is perfectly normal and we can have a great relationship that involves a 2 second kiss and a platitude each day. That meaningless kiss enrages me more than anything else.
Melly, my AH does this too, and like you...it hurts me more than almost anything else he does. We used to be so loving, and so affectionate, and his obvious belief that these half-a$$ed expressions of affection are even remotely enough...like you said, it infuriates me.
((HUGS)) to you in this difficult time. Great job on taking some positive steps! Keep moving forward, and be gentle with yourself!
Bettina, I live in a very small town and there's 1 meeting a week with just 2 other members- but yes I'll be going back to it. Tomorrow in fact.
Steph, sorry that you are going through this too but oh wow, isn't it good to know someone can relate? Last night he "slept with me" for the first time in weeks....and by slept with me I mean, he got into my bed at 2am when I was asleep, woke me up, instructed me to be quiet and not wake him, snored next to me for 3 hours and then got up at 5am and crept back to his computer. This was in response to me saying that "it's not a relationship if we don't even sleep in the same bed". Well I guess he showed me what a great relationship we have. I stand corrected! lol.
Glad to hear you will be attending, 3 people is a meeting, two people is a meeting.
MIP board is great and wonderful support, but it doesnt take the place of face to face meetings. Its like skipping a step to your recovery.
I'm sure within your town there are more suffering people who are married to addicts. Pray to share the fellowship and you will be amazed that your meeting will grow. Healing is a chain.
Wow Melly! I too am so proud for you. I've run all kinds of ideas thru my head but mainly laid on the floor like a rug .. Girl you not only thought about it, you DID stuff!!! Kudos in the biggest of ways & so great you are going to meetings too!
Funny all your "better thans" . That is how I got myself into my mess. That boyfriend was better than the other boyfriend because at least he only drinks, doesn't do crack. this boyfriend is better than that one because at least he only drinks beer. This one at night only, well.... you know the drill.
I learned, but too late. So my advice for my daughters is: "never settle with someone is something that is 'better than'." If it is better than, then it isn't good enough. Don't settle.
That is what you are not doing. It sounds like your not settling anymore.
