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I've been very remiss in not participating in this board for a long time. I should be going to meetings again but have always found reasons not to lately. For those of you I've "chatted with" - sorry for being gone... for those that I have not met yet welcome and thanks for taking the time to read this. I'm 46 yrs old with a severely alcoholic mom who is 72. She is in total denial that she is an alcoholic. Her mother died of alcoholism at the age of 39 (specifically stated on the death certificate). My mom has never acknowledged that is how her mom died. When I was growing up she was a "social" drinker and I thought it was all "normal". Well it was my "norm." I do not have a relationship with my mom. It's very superficial. She fed me, clothed me and put a roof over my head but there was no real love or nurturing from her at all. I didn't realize it until I became a mom. My daughter came into my life as a surprise and I believe our relationship actually saved my life. I now know what it's like to feel real love for someone else and to care for them and to have her return that feeling. I truly ENJOY my daughter, something I never felt from my Mom.
Her drinking has been getting progressively worse. She was once a beautiful woman - slender and always very concerned about her appearance - up until she was 65 or so. Now, she is extremely overweight and drinks very heavily. She rarely, if ever gets off the couch and she feels bad all the time. She still refuses to acknowledge that she has a problem. She was admitted to the hospital tonight after months of off and on vomiting and diarrhea. She's looked like a swollen tick ready to pop for months. Her ankles are extremely swollen. She's been on nothing but liquids and anti nausea meds for the past week. I'm sure part of what she's feeling is detox which is making her feel even worse.
I'm flooded with hundreds of emotions right now. Mostly anger and frustration because I KNOW she has not ever told the doctor about her volume of drinking. We once saw the same doctor and I had told her about my mom's drinking and suddenly my mom switched doctors. She doesn't allow us to communicate with them - or rather them to communicate with us but we could tell him whatever we want. I think now, I have to at least let him know. He cannot treat her properly if he doesn't know all that he's dealing with. It is so maddening that she thinks she can still hide this. I know it's up to her to face it and to want help but I often wonder if the family at least acknowledging to her that we know and that we've known for a very long time that she is sick, would it matter? Would it make a difference?
I also deal with bouts of hoping she truly is dying... what a horrible thought but I cannot stand watching her slowly kill herself and not care. I know she must be extremely scared right now. I'm sure she knows it's all coming to a head and her little secret is not going to be a secret any longer.
Hugs and welcome back!!! I'm sooo sorry to hear about your mom. I can empathize. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome to MIP. I'm sorry your Mom is so sick. I'm also happy to learn that you have a relationship to your daughter that you cherish.
As sick as Mom sounds, I doubt she's as worried about the alcoholism as you might be? At 72, she probably won't stop - although there is always hope. One of my grandmothers drank until she was close to 90. She died when she was a few months away from being 99. She never acknowledged she had a problem with drinking. She just complained of sinus headaches when she woke up after an evening of beer, wine or gin. I know - she was quite a case study in having a drinking problem and a smoking addiction as well until she was 83 and refused to spend $1.50 per pack for the "da**" things. Her entire family knew she drank. She didn't hide it. She also didn't die of it. She died of lung cancer. She was a stubborn woman who ate well and still drank and smoked and there was nothing any of us - including her doctors could do about it.
For some reason, the disease didn't progress as it does in some. She also had gastrointestinal issues - diverticulosis was the diagnosis. She quit drinking when she was given drugs for another health problem she had and knew she'd die if she drank with it. There were a few times when we were called to her bedside - thinking she was dying. She didn't. We almost didn't believe she was really dying of lung cancer either - even when she was and close to 99 years old. She pretty much lived a stress-free life, too. My grandpa just did what he could to look after her and make sure there was a housekeeper to help out at home when they were raising their 5 children.
My Mom, her daughter, died at 69. She didn't drink, smoke or enjoy life much either. Her life was anything but stress-free.
My point is this: It doesn't matter so much that your Mom has a drinking problem. It matters more how it is affecting you. Al-Anon is a good place to learn how to cope with the effects of this disease on you. There was a time when I hoped my x would die, too. When I had that thought, I knew I needed to make some kind of change soon. Keep coming back. We're glad you're here. We've been there, too, in different ways.
Amills,
sorry to hear you are distressed about your Mom.
And believe me the Drs. know about the effects of Alcohol and they will know how much she drinks by her condition.
At this point as Grateful said, its best to look after yourself and rejoin your meetings and MIP. Your concern and stress will not change the situation.
glad your back and hope you keep comng back
Bettina
Both of my parents were 84 when they died and both drank heavily. I remember going to the Drs. with my mom and she said please don't say anything about my drinking. Very sad.
glad u r back, reaching out.....all the others gave you good esh, so I won't be redundent execpt to say that we can only take care of ourselves....adn that is a full time job...........hope U can get into the mets, steps work and slogan practice asap and find your serenity within you....Peace
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!