Well alanoners, 

this morning, I felt kinda "BLEH!!!"  and I was not going to let me wallow in that....so i picked my self up....threw on some shorts, tank top an out to the trampolene, I marched....music in the parlor blasting oldies out the sliding glass door and onto that trampolene...and  all the "T" needed was for my body to be on it and I got on it and OMG....I could not believe how good I can still dance....and do the movements on that thing that I did today...somersalts...twists and turns...all kinds of things......like moving w/abandon....Just letting my body move to the rhythm to the music....I worked up a good heat.....jumped off and hosed myself down., took a walk in the yard to cool and  wait for "set #2" of exercises 

old fat labbie is following me around the sun parched yard, where the grass felt kinda like seaweed on my feet  and next door, out comes daughter #2 w/the kids and hubby in tow, they appeared to be going out for the day....At that moment, old labbie  nudged me as if to say  "see, mom, watch me roll in the grass and kick my legs u have been messaging all these weeks"....she rolled and looked like a puppy...I patted her and told her we would play and get old together then my young pittie came out and joined in on the fun w/a "beheaded" teddy bear she wanted to play tug o war with me on...so we played....all the time I feel someone watching and I didn't care...this was my yard....my dogs...my saturday....my fun....

Daughter #2 looks my way, and probably noticed that I am enjoying my doggies and I am soaking wet from the "hose down"  and I appeared to be having fun.....

I looked at her...I Looked and watched and honest to god....I felt NO rancor....no resentment.......no anger......I can and did, somewhere, forgive her but forgiveness doesn' mean u 4get what they did or you want them in your life, playing mind games on you,  all it meant to me was  "I let you go to your HP and I send you on your path in PEACE and GOODWILL"

I honestly felt peace and goodwill towards her as i watched her stare at me......she continued to stare at me, and I waved...a smiley, sincere,  "wave" as if to say  "have fun ya'll and enjoy the day"  and I felt it and I meant it....then I turned away to play with my fur babies who absolutely were over joyed at the low 90's temps and their mom out side with them....

i am gonna be OK....I had a chat w/one of the officers at my local animal shelter this past thursday and I just may do volunteer work for their out reach program called  "pawsabilities"  where we have "fairs" with adoptable pets, dogs and kitties,  and we "show and tell" to all the potential adopters and with my knowledge of , especially dogs and (no there are not horses)  but I do know as much about doggies as I do horses, we can do the "show and tell" and help these pets find homes.....

I am looking into living my life, apart from her,  doing volunteer work, with animals....I called several nursing homes to see if we cold do a "petting zoo day"  and I bring my labbie , miss old gal, to the home for the old folks to pet and connect with her...she loves old folks........so far I have gotten shot down, LOL...but I am asking HP to guide my steps on this b/c  volunteering with pets would be a lovely thing for me...

My oldest daughter is back east...I am fortunate if I see her 1x per year and I understand...those kids are struggling like the rest of us....I don't want them spending money to see me when they have bills to pay...we skype a lot and I adore my SOL, whom I call my SON....

so its time for me to take my talents w/animals and put it to good use....

Daughter #2 is off enjoying her day and I wish her well....Just not close to me anymore...I raised her up....shes an adult....i trained her how to do "life" as best as I could...she is on her own now as I release us from each other in peace....I won't have anymore of  me "begging and pleading w/her to  *talk with me...tell me what is your beef against me* "    i wont' have that drama anymore as I look forward to the cooler seasons, and the new things i want to do w/my life....

It felt good to look at her and feel separate and satisfied that I did a good job, as best as I could , raising her  w/not a shred of anger, resentment, rancor, holding grudges,  it just was not there.....I wish her the absolute best and may she take what I taught her and use it well.....I did a good job...i know it....when I decided to walk away, I kept casting the burden to hp, any resentment and anger for this girl that I may be harboring....i didn't and dont' want those negative feelings......whatever lessons she needs to learn is out of my hands now,  i completely gave her over to her maker and I know that was the best choice for both of us....with that done......

now its time to do a good job on me.....

thanks for letting me share

lgnutah wrote:

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neshema your posts resonate with me. I have spent so many years trying to help, enable, rescue or just figure out my A children, and lost myself in the process. I am just starting to focus on me, too.

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 Hey Ignutah, glad to meet you...it took a lot of recovery....11 years worth to finally reach the place where  family or no....if they are more pain then pleasure, then its time to take care of me....I am "pained out" by my past....by life's hardships....by being so sick b4 I got into recovery.....I lost most of my life to the abuse and its horrible aftermath.....

what is left of my life, I will not   will NOT live with any abuse of any kind put on me.....I dont care who it is...I am DONE being abused and otherwise mis-treated....To tell ya the truth, I feel sorry for this girl....I feel compassion.....when Christ was on the cross he asked his father   "forgive them for they know not what they do"    I could add on the end of that sentence......"they know not what they do.....to themselves" 

that is how i feel about this daughter#2....one day she will reap the pain that she so freely doled out to me....I am so very sorry for her......truly sorry for what she has done to her self.....i can and have forgiven, but i will never be able to forget....or trust anything she has to say ..or want to be around her for anything more than a moment......she completely betrayed me........sooo sad for her....I will move on...do my volunteer work somewhere , sometime, i will find my "thing" to do and my heart will go on.....

there are other creatures out there who deserve my love....4 legged and yea, 2 legged ones as well, LOL

I can certainly relate with your post. If it wasn't for working up a serious sweat, I'm sure I would have gone insane long ago. I go to the gym and do bootcamp, with people on their 30s and sometimes 20s. I am 60. I am the tail on the dog , but I keep up with them pretty darn good. I also do pilates, LOVE it, love to run outside. It's like you really commune with yourself. It's just you and you, that gets the lungs working and the muscles going. It's ALL about you. There's nobody to look for , for help. Nobody is gonna carry ya. Nobody's gonna give you oxygen. You gotta do it yourself, and you can surprise yourself what you can do. And the more you do it the stronger you get. It gives my strength to deal with this other shit.

And the animals....I prefer animals to a lot of people. I do a lot of volunteering with P.A.W.S. It's good to get out and help the dogs and cats that have been in a sucky situation like our own. This has been a bad summer for my animals, I lost my 37 year old horse and my 11 year old Golden Retriever. They were both old and it was their time. But of course I was left on my own to make the decisions to put them to put them out of their misery. I still have quite a few animals, It does my heart good to know I am taking good care of these creatures that have found their way into my life.