The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
I was reading other posts - not judging but feeling bad and wondering what is the point of staying with someone that treats you like crap?
Of course then I had to remember, which I often do, that I have a long history of staying in crappy relationships and that continued all the way up until working the 12 steps.
I know know why I stayed in those relationships - It's also the same reason I drank.
It was about self-sabotage and self-pity. I turned my life into crap, drama, and self-pity so I could continue my own patterns of drinking, feeling sorry for myself, not going after what I wanted and deserved in life, and then I would never have to be disappointed in not getting what I wanted, or I would have a ready made explanation for why life wasn't going my way etc...Meetings, steps, listening to my sponsor and being open to a spiritual shift over a period of years has radically changed my thinking. I was a very negative person. I thought God had done bad things to me and I could not differentiate me further doing bad things to myself to stay stuck in that mess. So that is what I did....for years and years. I treated myself like crap, atracted others that did the same to themselves and who also treated me like crap.
Also, at the root of it all, I hated myself and did not believe God loved me and wanted better for me.
After having had a spiritual awakening - God does love me. God does not want anyone else to treat me like crap and God wants me to treat myself with dignity and rspect also. God has faith in me and I have faith in God. That bond allows me to accomplish all sort of things I never thought possible. Just celebrated anniversary #3 with my current partner. He had made a photo book (not an album but arranged the pictures and had it sent away to be made into a book) of photos from our years together and entitled the book "us." Pictures of our holidays - going places to Puerto Rico, St. Martin, Alaska, Salt Lake City, Alabama, Disney, and many other places. Very sweet. Nobody I was ever with did anything like that for anniversaries. I had to step up to the plate and go get roses and some gifts LOL. Even after 3 years I'm not used to not fighting and someone caring about me and being nice and loving all the time. Turns out relationships are all about enjoying spare time together and not acting out your crap onto another person. When either of us even starts doing that we usually recognize and apologize within minutes.
I didn't think to mention it cuz I'm 41 and gave up on the idea of "marriage" when I came out of the closet 17 years ago. BUT - there is gonna be a wedding next year. Life is good.
PINKCHIP!!!!!! Congratulations, brother. What wonderful news! Most beautiful recovery share to read. Most beautiful partnership to look at as a model of what can be. Coming out of the closet cost you nothing that you needed to endure any longer and gave you a life worth living. What a good share to read this morning. Thank you. The sharing reads to me like a prayer of gratitude and a program 12th step.
Great News Mark. I agree with all that you stated.
I stayed in an unhealthy marriage because of fear. i thought that all the negatives words said about me were true and I could not make it on my own. Enter alanon. meetings, Steps and HP--- all that changed.
Congratulations, that is beautiful.
Thank you for putting this out there, the posts here are helping to see that there are many reasons we stay, but that unless we choose to get better there won't be any change. I need to do some thinking about making excuses for other things in my life, it is a really good point worth exploring.
Don't want to burst your bubble Pink, but I've sort of gotten the impression from some of your posts that your partner might be gay. lol :-p
"Turns out relationships are all about enjoying spare time together and not acting out your crap onto another person". Oh wow, do I want that! That's my perfect definition of a good relationship! I'm so happy for you and thank-you for reinforcing that it isn't an impossible dream.
Congratulations Mark....I'm so happy for you. Your life, your happiness is truly a blessing. And even if it's in the cyber world I am grateful to be a witness to it.
God bless you...
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Mark...that is a good one to have me turn around at my past and past personality and I can nod to it today...the my part in it part. I did the best with what I had and did it with people who didn't care about it the same way I did. They had their own interest which was greater than a "we" thing. I mostly found myself in relationships with people who were alcoholic and addict and that of course means drugs and alcohol would come before any "we" thing. Yeppers I was treated like crap and why did I hang on?; because one of my strong point was hoping life would get better for "us" and that "we" would have happiness, however it looked like because I thought everyone wanted that. I was naive and was suppose to be because I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what was going on. I just thought everyone wanted happiness however my relationships wanted drunk or drug and I couldn't compete with it...there wasn't enough time for "us", the us that included me and so I took crap until there was no more room in that relationship so I left and got into another doing the same things over again thinking because my new relationahip was different life would be different. That was my program and I did the best I could with what I had. Going insane was the best thing that happened for me because I could no longer do what it was that I was doing which didn't work and I had to come to understand different. I chose Al-Anon and then included AA. Today I do the best I can with what I have and what I have now is much better and more full of awareness that what I had back then. I have permissions now to do things different for consequences I need and sometimes for just the reason that I want them. My relationships are better because my participation in them is different. I have more tools one of them being what you have...the 10th step which is strong in good relationships. Acceptance that perfection is not as valuable a consequence as progress no matter where, why, how or with whom. Today I still have the same hopes with the awareness that I must be reasonable with myself and others. If they do not or will not participate toward a mutual outcome I must adjust...change the things I can to arrive at that outcome myself. Congradulations on your plans in the future. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 15th of September 2013 12:38:31 AM
Congratulations PC. All that you wrote resonates with me, like usual. Your partner is a lucky man to get you.... and you were lucky to find him. I'm glad to hear about such normalcy in your relationship. I envy you that.
I was so happy about your news, that it overshadowed the intent of your post.
I stayed because I was an addict (the relationships were my addictions) in my first and second marriages until I worked my recovery. I morphed into a woman that craved the fix of time and attention....I was not like that at all in any previous relationships. I was the one that broke off relationships and had guys crying at my door. I suppose I could compare my first husband to the beginning of one's drug use? I was hooked slowly (the seduction) and gradually wanted/needed more and more, hating myself for needing, which resulted in shame, anger and guilt for becoming "that" woman. I used to judge "those" kind of women. Because I wanted the fix, I would tolerate crappy behavior, taking whatever scraps of time/attention that would be thrown my way. Ugh. Then, when I got the time and attention I was craving from a man I worked with (an addiction counselor, interestingly enough), I had an affair. Ugh again. Because I let my self esteem be whittled away from this addiction, I was nutso...throwing my values out the window. The affair was more shame piled onto an already large heap of shame. The wisdom in my story: I needed to see MYoriginal addictions instead of pointing so many fingers in my husbands direction. Al Anon has helped me to keep the focus on me, and that is where I do my very best to stay.
Congratulations! you have been an inspiration to me since the first time I came to this board. You have so much awareness and so much openness and knowledge to share with us. I am always thankful to come here and share with you. Thanks for being..and all the best for the new adventure
I stayed in a crappy relationship because I believed I had made a vow that included in sickness and in health before God and God intended for me to keep that vow. It took me 8 years to figure out no truly unconditional Loving Being would expect one of His/Her/Its children to live with somebody as sick as the man I chose to live with and didn't learn who he truly was until after the marriage. I dated some guys following my divorce for short periods who weren't men I wanted to spend my time with because our values were different who also acted in crappy ways while I was trying to fill the void that always happens for folks following a divorce. Figured out my picker was off. Stopped dating. Did what I needed to do to take care of myself and my kids. Met a great guy who I dated for 3 years who was good to me - didn't have a drug or alcohol problem - then when I saw I wanted more than he wanted in our relationship - moved from my hometown to another state living my life as I sensed God wanted. I learned that sometimes vows made aren't vows God intends for us to live out the rest of our days on earth.
I stayed in a crappy relationship (and still am in the same relationship) for reasons that have changed as I progressed through AlAnon. Before AlAnon, I had no idea what I was up against. I didn't know alcoholism except to see the unfortunates living on the streets. My parents did not drink. My friends parents did not drink that I knew of or saw any evidence of. My hubby didn't drink before we married. None of my friends had parents who were divorced. Some of them had trials and tribulations but they stayed together and worked it out. Our values were the same when we were married. We talked a lot and were best friends.
When I married in our church I made a vow that I believed in. My mother said to me, "Now don't ever come home. You are married now". And so I always made lemonade out of my lemons. As he started drinking more, I made accomodations. I blamed his work.... he blamed his work. He drank more and more. We talked less and less. I had 4 kids and 5 foster kids. I was too busy to take too much notice of him. After 25 years of marriage it was crap. We didn't talk ever. I refused sex with him because he wasn't very good at it anymore. I refused to take vacations with him so he went alone for a week in a condo so he could drink. The kids were growing up. I didn't know that AlAnon existed. Finally at 29 years of marriage he got busted for his DUI and I was told about AlAnon.
I didn't leave then because I thought I was through the worst and it would only get better from here. And because everyone in AlAnon was so "hopeful" that with sobriety it would all work out. Yes, he didn't drink and he did go to AA and he had a sponsor but it didn't make our relationship get better. I was angry with what I was learning in AlAnon. I was really starting to feel like a victim with all that I was learning about alcoholism. Finally I learned about detachment and worked my program in AlAnon. I was hopeful. I found the HP of my understanding and we have been together ever since. I started living ODAT and really didn't expect too much from him.
After 7 years of this he got cancer and we were told 60 days to live...... or there is this clinical trial...... he survived. That was in 2007. I couldn't leave him during the cancer treatment. I couldn't leave him as he was recouperating. That wouldn't be right. We still didn't have much of a relationship but I was supportive and helped him at the expense of my own life. After a year this I was approached by one of my friends in AlAnon who also knew the hubby from a cancer support group. She told me she heard him speak at one of their meetings and she was feeling quite sorry for him because of all he went through and how little support he got from his family, but then he said something that she remembers me talking about in a meeting and she realized who he was. Then she needed to tell me what he said.
I stay now because it is "better the devil you know". I could jump out of the pot and into the fire. IT IS FEAR. So.... I can stay detached and live a happy life. He is not actively drinking that I know. He does take pain pills, anxiety pills, sleeping pills and any other pill that is prescribed. That is his problem and I try to stay out of it. It is still not a good relationship.
Funny....but we travel well together. In new situations he gets out of his superior position and experiences new things with me without attitude. We don't laugh together but we are respectful and friendly when we travel. As soon as we get home it all goes back to the old normal.
Mark - I am so happy for you. This is a jaw dropping post of understanding - awareness - looking at the big picture... YOU are a big thinker. I admire with love from afar, virtually, and will keep you and yours in my thoughts as you go through this exciting time in your life. You deserve it - you made me know I was worth it, and you lead by example. Thank you for that!
Was very nice to read your post ! Remember you deserve to be happy !
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