The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
mm830 and Melly asked me in a recent post to share how I did it. How did I stay away from A after leaving, and after he is the sweetest guy of the universe again, after he hit me the last time we actually met...? it is hard,and I didn't do it out of full conviction. Many doubts were there, some still come back from time to time, because I simply miss the nice guy he can be obviously. I miss my playmate, we lived many many things together.
He hit me, and I hit my lowest. That has always been a point of no-return for me.... I refuse to take that role in our relationship. That's clear , very clearly how I DON'T WANT to be treated, that's the limit of my self-esteem.
I did it in the beginning, only through leaning on healthy people around me, reminding me who I really was. I let myself guide by them, love by them...completely.that is humility more than courage i guess.
i did it through coming here and share my emotions, not sure if I was able to deal with them all by myself. that is trust more than courage.
I do it everyday, with moments of missing him, letting me think about us for a moment, remembering what was good, and then trying to let go and forgive, each day a little , him and myself for having gone together to that point...and then I get on with what I wanted to do that day. That is acceptance more than courage.
I follow my guts, live new things, fill me up with new memories, am open for new people and experiences. That is hope more than courage.
I also, and that is I think the most important point, remember ALWAYS The FACTS! I go back and read in my diary and older posts. I try not to forget how situations really happened...because his new emails sound like a different person, like all this was all just happening in my head....it can drive you crazy or schizoid i guess, how he manages to completely have forgotten about certain issues and things that happened.or plays down what actually happened. or what remains in his memory and what doesn't (example: in a last argument, i asked him if he forgot that he hit me twice in the face. He seemed completely shocked, like 'how dare you mention that' and saying 'you through my jacket out of the window 8 months ago' as a justification, so we are supposed to be equal now...!?) everytime I had contact with him after the last fight, i got treated like i was the sick one, and that made me doubt myself. I came here a couple of times to express my desperation, and folks on here made it quite clear that I needed to STOP ALL CONTACT, for the moment, not to get suck in in this game of oblivion. it gets really confusing otherwise...because.....it's all about him...again.
so I focus on myself, really spend intense ME time, also being with others that allow the good sides of me. I look for opportunities to laugh , to dance to enjoy..to feel good. Today I will go to a yoga and meditation retreat for example.
that's how I am active for me right now. allowing every emotion, recognizing where it comes from and understanding who I am. It's not courage really, it's practice. every single moment, practice, into new territory.
Thanks for letting me share. please take good care of yourself.
and I always wanted family, still want children one day. But I guess I have been lucky not to have any so far...because it makes my choices quite simple and my decisions relatively easy to take i guess. i realize this is all much harder when you have to be responsible for your children too, especially when they cannot yet grasp the full situation. But one friend asked me once: imagine you had children , what would you do? surprisingly I answered, 'i would have left already' because I somehow know to care better for others than for myself. just a thought!
Thank you for posting this. I really appreciate your thoughts and honesty on how you are moving forward. Still trying to get there, part of the problem is that I became very isolated and focused only on keeping him happy, which didn't really work and became very scared of his reactions. It's interesting how you point out they try to make you feel like the crazy one, sometimes I do feel crazy like maybe I imagined all the things that happened.
You already know this but you never should have been hit, and his reaction to you calling that out is because he doesn't want to face it. So much easier to justify it, make you feel like you are the problem.
Thank you for sharing that there is a way out.
Yes, I make myself remember the facts! I have a few recordings from my ex, some emails too that I went back to when in doubt about why I was working so hard to stick to my guns and not let him back.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I actually carry the e-mails he and his "friend" were sending to each other .. I don't read them I just have them in my "legal folder" just seeing those pages reminds me of the respect I deserve and did not get. I am also reminded of my own worth. Each time I feel weak I touch those pages and I find my voice. They are my touch stone of who I was and the woman I want to be. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
All I can say to that share is WOW....what courage and honestly you displayed.....I am very impressed w/your strong program, honesty and humility.....Just beautiful....
And you WILL find that happiness that you desire b/c U R loving you......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It takes courage to put one foot in front of the other and making something positive out of each day. Remembering the facts without romanticizing them is very helpful; facts don't lie or distort and feelings sometimes do. I've made it a practice to try and do one uncomfortable (but positive) thing each week or each day - it helps move me towards healthier and happier patterns and places. ODAT.
Thanks tortuga, the mere fact that you feel that coming here and sharing your emotions helped you get to that point is encouraging. Maybe I can too
Thank-you so much for what you share.
