Something happen this morning I felt odd different I think it has something to do with last night I made a hole in a shoe box and labeled it ms negativity . I looked at my self in my photos I take lots of and when I see that girl I'n the photo I seen some one other than me . I saw this girl lost but not ugly or stupid dumb sinful the list of things I see in my self that makes me not look in the mirror . In my photos I see a positive girl who does count and what ever happen to her it was not her fault . She didn't ask to be neglected or mental verbally sexual abused . She didn't offer herself to a alcoholic some choses she made and some she didn't . I went and looked at myself for a long time in the mirror because I didn't no myself . The girl in the picture had alot going for her . When I looked in the mirror I seen nothing I saw no one that counted what I was told my whole life I was wraped up in negativity . So I wrote down all the things I'm not toss them in the shoe box . I'm thinking I just passed the buck on gave it away gave it to the box of negativity . I confronted my abuser today . I thought it would be hard for me to do but it wasn't . I told him I remember the first punch he gave me at the age 4 when he should of kissed me instead. I made sure I didn't leave any thing out and how much hurt I felt that is still in my soul today and stopping me from getting healthy . This was eating me up it was stopping me from accepting some of the new positive behavior my A has been giving me and believe me my A still needs work and he finally got honest with himself and told me he wasn't working his program like he should of well that made a difference where he went on my resentment list . I forgave him . The way I confronted my abuser I'm not sure if I did it in a healthy way or sick way all I no I feel 100 pounds lighter . I added my abrother to my contacts in my phone but used my number I wrote Down everything that he did I left nothing out and at the end I told him I forgave him. Then I hit the send button and my text came back to me and I read it all , everything I wrote that I wish I had the courage to face him instead but I no that would not be a safe thing to do. After I read over what I wrote I deleted it I gave it to cyber space it will not be part of my recovery I'm not sure if what I did was normal but again I'm not normal all I no I feel better I feel good and I no I do not need to confirm the abuse with him . He knows what he did I no and my higher power that appeared today to help me face this and there's room for healthy desistion and chance to heal and hopeful my A stays on track then I have a spot in my heart to accept him now Thank you

cwya wrote:

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WOW, lady this is incredible recovery work. i, too was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused. my abuser #1 i wrote him a letter setting down everything i needed and wanted to say to him---no holds barred, unfiltered, uncensorred pure emotional purging then burned the letter and sprinkled the ashes on his lawn in a covert mission under cloak of darkness in the middle of the night when i knew he would be sleeping--in those days we didnt have cell phones, texting, not even emailing really--my heart pounding, my stomach in my throat through it all then i ran off hopped in my car which i had parked at a distance and sped away!

Abuser #2 had committed suicide so i went 500 miles away to his grave and burned his letter in a bowl with plenty of water on hand and nobody there except someone at a far distance. it was the beginning of my final steps toward healing. the work of healing is never really done because we have such bad scars and there is so much to heal. i had a large cast of characters i had allowed to abuse me mentally and spiritually in my adulthood, not the least of whom was me. So i'm still a recovering survivor of abuse as well as a survivor of the disease of alcoholism and always will be. mostly cuz my HP isnt done with me since i'm still around!

You are a gorgeous, talented, courageous, outstanding woman. SAY IT LOUD AND SAY IT PROUD to yourself in the mirror every day!

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 (((((((((((((((CWYA))))))))))))))))))))))   OMG....I sooo relate to you and what you have to say....I know your pain....been there....done that...........when my sire passed on to his just rewards, it was in 1991...recovery was still in the far distance,  however when I did get enough recovery under my belt, I , too wrote him a letter   (Hell does not have a zip code otherwise I wold have mailed the sucker)  but anyway, I wrote it....cried and cried  first  raging tears, then they soften down to compassion tears not for him, to heck with him, the compassion tears were for ME....I let them run down my cheeks as I typed this letter, I tasted the saltiness of my tears,   my nose got all congested from the crying, u know ...like you have a cold.......I let it all happen,  my body's reaction ....my tears.....I lit the letter on fire and put it in the toilet....in effagy i was "flushing" him down w/t he rest of the sewerage....

and I , too, let folks who didn't deserve me abuse me mentally and emotionally....I took it and took it until I would "blow" and then I would get ugly....

now, I don't ever let it get that far.......I stand up for me w/out raging, w/out crying....w/out being over emotional....i can keep my cool now....I can do it with dignity..........and i can walk away with my head held high

Dear lady...U R SO not alone........PM me anytime you need ok?????   U R NOT ALONE.......

I relate to everything you said, I could feel the vibrations of your hurt, and your strength and your resolve to get past this come hell or high water....Just like me...U R gonna make it.....We BOTH will......b/c we DESERVE IT............

-- Edited by neshema2 on Friday 13th of September 2013 11:15:46 PM

VERY awesome program work...Keep it up...You deserve to have a life and a blessed one at that....i never confronted my abuser....i sensed that it would go disastrously if I did and I was too sick while he was alive to have withstood the avalanche of evil he would have thrown at me...even with recovery, it would have done NO good to tell satan what he did wrong...the other abusers i did confront and i got attacked......i can only imagine how bad it would have been w/their sire.......it could be that is why it took me so long to get where i am and I am not where I  want to be, but waaay ahead of where I was...but I wonder.....had it been safe for me to confront him, what would have happened re: my progress......

Thank you for your very honest and brave share....