The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love your honesty and ability to express your thoughts. Something I've learned is saying the same thing over and over again and not seeing results is a lot like rocking in a rocking chair and expecting to travel. Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Clearly it's not about what it's doing to us ( the family or our money or caring enough to stop) if it were that easy this program would have never needed to be created.
I've heard it said once we express ourselves then drop it. Otherwise it becomes nagging. You already realize nothing is changing. You have the right to not put up with the drama and crisis it's causing you. You have the right to find new ways to cope and deal. You have the right to speak with others who have walked in your shoes at meetings and find new suggestions.
Sadly this disease is powerful, it has destroyed more then one family and will continue to destroy many many more in the future. You have the right to advance in your life as if this person no longer is in charge of your finances, future and outcome.
Progress as if you are taking care of your needs because between you and your higher power that is exactly what's happening. You have choices. Make them and take them, some A's never seek help, some seek it when it's too late, some even lose family, health and home over it.
Take care of you and keep coming back.
-- Edited by Peggy7 on Friday 13th of September 2013 12:14:49 PM
Cleaning the house always worked for me. Getting my attention and focus off of him.
Sometimes he would even start cleaning too.
Its hard to ignore there drinking or whatever their poison is, I came to accept that it was a part of him, his sober moments and the drunken moments. When he would go to that place, I would go to mine.
The source of our happiness is not another person, the source is ME!
Keep practicing. Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 13th of September 2013 02:23:49 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 13th of September 2013 02:24:29 PM
Ok, So I keep going up and down, back and forth between acceptance and pure fury over my situation with my A. Some days I think, OK, I can do this, I can't change him or control him, just let him do his thing and I will do mine. And then a moment later I am back to giving him a lecture on how much he has hurt me, and that we can't pay the bills, and he needs to quit for his kids, and doesn't he love me?! and blah blah blah.
I KNOW that if I just let it go it will make things better for him and myself.
But sometimes it feels impossible to just keep my mouth shut.
If you have a ODAT book start reading it. Before you say anything next time. Relax and think about what your about to do and write down why you should do it and why you shouldn't do it. Take 10 minutes and think about you react. I always had the knee jerk reaction to everything....enabling, begging, crying, TELLING him HE was wrong and having the last work.
Start making a list and journal everything. It helps to see your patterns of anger.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Good Question I found making alanon calls when I wanted to scream and yell worked. I also recited the serenity prayer , some slogans, ran to a meeting, called my sponsor, and read from the Courage to change.
One saying I love is: Motion changes emotion", Act in your own best interest, focus on your own well being and live one day at a time. It works
I've attended my first Al Anon meeting a few days ago, so, I am on the right path, I know what needs to be done, but again, it's much more easily said then done.
For now I just want to try and focus on just letting his behavior go.
I don't want to say anything to him because it has gotten to a point where almost everynight I probably spend an hour basically trying to stick it to him.
Ugh, it disgusts me but, at first I suppose it'll make me feel better to "release" what is on my mind. But then I just don't stop.
So tonight I will try to distract myself from doing so?
There's about two weeks worth of laundy and house work that will hold me over.
I suppose I can try yelling at the laundry instead. Maybe it will eventually wash itself. Hahaha
Give yourself some self compassion, Faith.
If I had a dollar for every minute I spent lecturing my ex-ABF or for every word I wrote in a letter to him, I would be extremely wealthy.
And, let's be honest - no words can really convey the emotional strength and difficulty required to adhere to a behavior change around something as crazy as addictive diseases.
Someone also once told me that every word I spoke was depositing another dollar (wow, I'm really on the money metaphors today!) into HIS recovery account. Why wasn't I making those deposits in my own? Seeing as how once I made that deposit I lost full control over how it was spent.
My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are at and struggle with loving someone in active addiction; it is so very difficult. Just know that you are NOT alone.
One day at a time, step by step....it will come. One slogan that is essential for me is "Progress not Perfection". You are doing great!
Spot on here, AND when I feel the urge to do the "useless" (trying to reason w/an A or anyone not thinking clearly) I do a TIME OUT....go to a quiet place and ....breathe......repeat some slogans......say the serenity prayer............
AND keep up w/my meets, 12 steps work, slogan practice, literature.........keep up my program...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The physical activity gets rid of the nervous energy or agitation, it gives me time to really think things through (which I may not have done before I said something I regret) and there is such a feeling of accomplishment when I get done and the room, house, whatever is clean that it lifts my spirits. I've done something productive rather than destructive, I guess.
The physical activity gets rid of the nervous energy or agitation, it gives me time to really think things through (which I may not have done before I said something I regret) and there is such a feeling of accomplishment when I get done and the room, house, whatever is clean that it lifts my spirits. I've done something productive rather than destructive, I guess.
Hang in there!
I used to get U G L Y when in a disagreement or around rude/nasty people.....that was the b4 and early recovery days when my rage and anger were still so raw.....old triggers would come up and BOOM, I would explode at them......really pull a "horror show" on my "adversary" THANK GOD those days are over with and I can now, breathe...take time out if needed.....think......and respond rather than react....and my responses are soo much healthier.......and this post above me about physical acitivity....it helps b/c it produces endorphins and I think serotonin in the body..."feel good" hormones.....that is why I am trampolene, swim, dance, sports lover.....its great for the body and for the nerves...bike riding....jogging......its all good, but if a person has a few aches and pains, then a nice brisk walk is just as good , I hear........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
