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Oh my goodness - I NEVER realise until its too late when he picks a fight and I get caught up trying to defend myself and then he's out the door with an excuse/reason to drink. So tired of this.
If he didn't pick a fight with you, it would be someone else, or he would be "stressed out", or it would be some special occassion, or the last chance to hang out with some buddy...blah blah. The only reason not to fight is cuz it's annoying to you and takes from your serenity. He is going to find reasons to drink regardless of what you do.
The A did that in the beginning of our marriage, till I finally figured it out.
I called him on it, so then he would just leave, at least he stopped putting it on me.
He always wanted to create a big fight so he could go on a binge and not come home for a couple of days.
After awhile, I welcomed it.
He did it a lot, just dissapear, the last time he was gone for 3 days during our marriage, I got to thinking what if he did turn up missing or dead, the police might think , what kind of woman is this that didnt report him missing. I didnt want the consequences of his drinking. So I went over to the local police and reported him missing and gave them his plate number.
When he finally did make it home, he was missing his dentures. I told him I reported him missing and gave him the card the officer gave me. Told him you better call him and tell him your home, he has your plate number. He started laughing so hard, he couldnt believe I reported him. Do you know how many sets of dentures this man lost. A fortune in dentures. LOL....
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 13th of September 2013 02:40:04 PM
-- Edited by Bettina on Friday 13th of September 2013 02:40:34 PM
I am finally realizing that they will use any excuse they invent, I figured out that not engaging in the fight is the best thing to do, but then he is mad about that, so....I recently got the clue that no matter what I do will make him mad and justify his behavior. It helps knowing that much because I don't take it as hard as I used to. Go do something nice for yourself or enjoy the peace and quiet when he goes storming off drinking, he is going to be doing it anyway and no use trying to reason with a drunk or make him see your side he doesn't want to, he wants to drink.
Yep, that's why they call it crazy making. We as sober people honestly believe there is a situation to be addressed or at least looked at...all the while...and the story repeats and repeats and repeats. Sad but true.
my experience is that when I quit being part of the fight ...
he does something "nice" or "helpful" and that gives him the excuse to drink ...
sometimes the wind blows from the north ="excuse to drink"....
rain ="excuse to drink" ...
sunshine = "excuse to drink"
see the pattern ?
no matter what ... they drink til they wana change it... "excuses" have NOTHING to do with US
keep coming back ... you arent alone
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I think it took me awhile to get to a place where I could be healthy enough to see them as excuses. This took awhile and it also took distance, when I was really IN it I couldn't see it for what it was. When I began to get better and take care of myself, I was able to come to the realization that I could only control me and the A would not stop until he/she was good and ready to, and not a moment sooner.
It also helped me to think that I don't get to be in control of when they find their bottom or turn their life around, but I am in control of when I do. Knowing this, what will I choose to do?
My 1st Ex used to do that, until I finally just QUIT taking the bait....when he realized that I no longer gave a crap, he would blame something or someone else......b4 I walked away for good, I didn't care what he did...and he knew it....I don't think my mother even bothered w/excuses...she just got plowed and that was the end of it...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Do you attend al anon meetings? They give us a reason to go to meetings, at first
Agree and 12 steps work, slogan practice and just working the program...when I am working my program, I am too busy and focused to be fretting much about anything.....In this case I would just "live and let live" and "keep the focus on me"
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
