The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm too the point tonight where I feel like I'm sinking .Don't know where to turn .I went to Alanon meetings many years ago for another situation in my life .I know I need to go back .Just need someone to listen now .My beautiful daughter is an alcoholic and so mentally unstable .This has been going on for 12 years .I know I have tried way to much to help her and that made things worse .We have helped her get in rehab three times ,Out of jail so many times ,she has lived with us several times until she was sober then she would leave .A week is the most she will stay .She will not work ,will not admit she's the problem .We started last year saying no to her for everything concerning money or living with us .She took an overdose of pills 3 weeks ago because the man she was living with through her out .They were messed up all of the time on pills and alcohol .He is just one of the men she has been living with the last 12 years .They have all been users of alcohol or drugs .She started calling me today after months of not talking with her .She's 42 and her health is failing .She's so angry because we can't let her move in with us .She mistreats us mentally and I think it could just get worse .I have mixed feelings now because she's my daughter and I love her .Would love to have some comments .
My last message tonight was I don't give a damn about yall .We both have health problems .She told me the next time she wont fail at suicide .
Ahhhhhh, Nancy. What emotional turmoil for you and for your husband. This disease can cause so much suffering for so many, many people. I don't know how long ago she contacted you, but given her history of attempting suicide prior to this, can you call the police department and ask if there is anything they can do in a situation like this?
There are several of us on this board with adult children struggling with this disease so we understand on so many levels what this is doing to you.
They will respond to you.
There is hope. There is always hope. Welcome to MIP. We recommend face to face meetings in Al-anon. We also have on-line meetings twice a day that you are always welcome to attend. Information about our meeting times are at the top of the board. Keep coming back. We will walk with you one day at a time on this difficult road and help you recover whether your daughter chooses to do so or not.
Thanks for replying to me .I don't know where my daughter is living .On the cell phone today the area code is near me .I haven't saw her but one time since Oct .I'm going to check into alanon meetings in my area .She has a court date next month for two dui's and disturbing the public .They have told her at rehab that she has to admit she has a drinking problem but she wont .Helps me to hear from you .
YIKES, (((((((((Nancy)))))))))) u can call the police in her area and tell them she is threatening suicide...some states take them in for observation at a mental health facility, then when they let them go, its up to them what they do w/themselves
I agree...NO to living w/you...Its too toxic, just too much for you to deal with...there are shelters she can go to, plenty of resources out there nowadays.....If that were one of my daughters, i would be calling the cops....I wold not mess with it....
I don't have this kind of issue w/my daughters, so I am not much help, but I have known others who do...There are some other mom's on this board who have addict children, and they will see this post and respond to you
I just wanted to jump in and give some moral support.....Not knowing the details, but from what I read on your post, she sounds to be really unstable from the drinking et al, so I think calling the cops would be a good thing to do.....
PLEASE keep us posted ok????
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for replying to me .I don't know where my daughter is living .On the cell phone today the area code is near me .I haven't saw her but one time since Oct .I'm going to check into alanon meetings in my area .She has a court date next month for two dui's and disturbing the public .They have told her at rehab that she has to admit she has a drinking problem but she wont .Helps me to hear from you .
Nancy
I think they can trace a cell...if it is an Iphone, they have gps things in them, like a chip.....I wish u knew for sure where she is b/c the police would need to know.....and YES...alanon meets would help greatly, maybe some folks there can turn you on to some good resources for this awful situation......I am SO sorry...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Another suggestion might be to call the police in your area and just tell them about the situation and the fact that you don't know where she lives but do have her phone #. See what they suggest from there? Actually, you can trace the number on-line sometimes to the location - like the City. Then, you could call the police in that City and see what they suggest there.
((((Nancy)))) welcome to the board and hoping that you don't make that Al-Anon meeting alone...get your husband to drive you and then stick in the meeting till its time to go home. He cannot be handling this to well either. (((((Daughter)))))...I don't have a problem...she says and that is an ego at the bottom of the fall. She doesn't know what will turn if and when she hear her self say "I have a drinking problem can anybody help me"? I remember being a hold out also. I am a "double" a first member of Al-Anon and then 9 years later alcohol free finding myself sitting in the corner in the dark at an AA meeting at the local Alano club and I couldn't say it and so those lovely people most of who I knew, held the meeting up in silence until I did. What brought me into AA? I finally did my own assessment and the result was that I was told by the head nurse on the rehab I worked in, "Whoever belongs to this assessment needs to be in in-patient treatment or the next time they drink they die". Alcohol suicide is quiet and calm and soft. It isn't a bullet to the head to a razor up the forearm it's just drink until your breath and heartbeat stop. That was my last toxic shock event only my breath and heartbeat remained. I will keep your daughter, a child of God, in my prayers to my God. I know that it will take for her to turn around and face her own HP and say I'm done...please help. The alcoholic self will is strong and the disease stubborn as it is cunning, powerful and baffling. Maybe she needs more pain...so much that she yells Uncle!! which is what I yelled and the only thing I ever yelled Uncle!! to is this disease. Prayers coming your way and hers. ((((hugs))))
I want to welcome you to MIP. Miracles in Progress.
I hear your pain and totally understand. Like Grateful said there are many of us here with Adult Children in crisis. It's so so sad to see our beautiful, smart and wonderful adult children destroy their lives and living on the brink of death at any moment. It's so so hurts inside we can't do anything about it no matter how hard we try.
I myself had to stop the madness and start taking care of me. I'm fairly new in Al-anon but over this last year....my life has changed so much for the better. I have learned to let go and let my HP take over for me. I have learned not to enable, set boundaries and detach with love and kindness. I have learned to give my son and dignity and respect to take charge of his life good or bad. I have learned I didn't cause it, I can't control and I can't cure it. I am now learning about me...
I want you to to keep coming back, we are family and would love for you to join us. I want you to know that your not alone ....we are here to help with much ESH
Let go Let God
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Welcome to MIP. So glad you have found your way to these boards. I also have a alcoholic daughter who is in complete denial about her drinking. We have been doing this "dance" with her since she was 17. She is now 32, no skills, is in humongous debt and is a miserable person to be around. She lived with us twice, the most recently this past year and we told her to leave after we found out she lied about getting fired and arrested yet again. I know only too well the threat of suicide, we have heard this from her a few times. But somehow, she finds someone to latch on to and continues her spiral.
It's good to hear you are going to a F2F meeting. They help so much, even if the group can't identify with alcoholic adult children, the patterns and behaviors are the same. Alanon will help you get the focus off of her and get it back on you, where it should be. It's been over 3 years for me, and I slip and slide sometimes, but I get right back on track. It hurt me a lot to realize that with all the "help" we gave her (mostly financial) was hurting the situation, not helping. As our friend Cathy said, it took a while for me as well to let her claim her dignity and let her lead the life as she wants to live it, not the one I pray for. She does have a Higher Power. It still hurts very much, but I have put down the big fat club that I used to beat myself up with. I know now I did not cause this, I can't cure her and I can't control her life. And for the first time in over 10 years, I am starting to live me life for me, and I am not staying at home "projecting awful scenarios" and wondering where she is and what she is doing.
Keep coming back and posting; you will learn so much from this board. Believe me, you are not alone in this.
Welcome Nancy, I'm pretty new to the boards, but my 19 year old son is an addict and has had many issues (legal, financial, social ect) over the past few years. We allowed him to move in with his father at 17. That was so difficult to do, but he was making it unbearable to live with him in order to force my hand. Once out, he dropped out of school, covered himself in tattoos and has been in jail. He lost the car we bought him (he gave it to someone without changing the title out of his name and has no idea who he gave it to). He has tickets mounting and other issues. He tries to get clean for a few days, but falls back. He admits he has a problem, but won't admit his life is out of control. He was homeless awhile, now he's back with his dad. His dad gives him alcohol and money. He has even smoked 'legal pot' with our son! It's so sad. I get angry, scared, sad and numb. Then I work some steps and have peace for a Few days...then something happens and I go through the cycle again. Letting go is so hard. He has such a loving heart, and it hurts so much to see where he is.
But, I know there is hope. There is hope for me to find sanity and learn to live in peace. Hope for me to experience joy even when this is happening. There is also hope that my son will get the help he needs. I always thought I was the help, but I know now that I am not. I enabled him so much. He did not have to face his consequences, I always protected him. Turns out, my 'help' hurt him!
Is so hard for a MOM to not 'mother'. We are nurturing....
But, our adult children desperately need us to let go and let God. They need us to give them the dignity of living their lives their way.
My heart goes out to you. This place MIP is awesome. These loving people have allowed me to be me and still invite me back. Their acceptance has helped me accept myself. They know where I'm coming from. They (we) know where you are coming from. You are not alone! I hope that gives you some comfort.
K
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
I too am the mother of an alcoholic son (34 yrs old) who has been in and out of hospitals and rehabs. He was sober for a year before relapsing, due to not working any program. I have enabled him for several years and am slowly learning through the A-Anon program that I need to let go and give him the dignity to lead his life the way he sees fit.
As a mother, it's the hardest thing but I know that helping him only hurts both of us in the end. I am the only person he has left - his Dad and 2 sisters have detached. He has slowly lost all his friends except one and I'm not sure how much longer this one will stick around. His world keeps getting smaller. He is educated, smart, and articulate. he is capable of so much and it's heartbreaking to watch him slowly destroying his life.
There is nothing I can do except tell him the I love him and am there 100% in support of his recovery. The work is up to him. If love alone could cure this terrible disease, none of us would need to be here. I pray for him and for all the other lost souls every day.
I want him to fall to his knees in surrender. But I am powerless. I have to take care of myself as I deserve a life. I have been consumed with my son's problems for so long.
NA! I know and feel the pain u r going through, I'm the mother of two A/A children, one is not in recovery, but maintaining and functioning on ss due to a disability, he is 50. My daughter is 46 and is still actively using meth and alcohol, she has lost almost everything 2-3x's, life is passing her by, I'm beyond heartbroken with 30+yrs of this disease, but God (HP) guided me to alanon some yrs. ago and only His power and alanon support has helped me to learn to take care of myself and find some serenity, peace, joy and even happiness at times.
For me learning to detact and say NO and mean it was the hardest for me to learn, also learning to let go and let God, it's an everyday struggle, but life can be good when we keep the focus on us.
You, your husband and daughter are in my prayers.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Im sorry, that's tough. A 42 year old daughter that has not really grown up. So technically you have a grown up, middle aged child on your hands who has thrown a tantrum to get her own way. It's such a blatant attempt at emotional blackmail, yet, you must be worried, I would call emergency services and let go and let god, that way she feels the consequences of her actions and her words. She is trying to manipulate you into doing what she says. Stand firm, break those ties over and over. Don't give her your power, thats what I am doing for my son and I, I try hard never to react to any drama. Its no easy ride. Take care.
I decided to send a reply to all of you in one send .Not sure if that's what I should do but I will learn .I have read all of your messages and they mean so much to me .Thank you for all of the replies .Today has been a better day spent with family having fun .It's still in my mind but I have been able to direct my thoughts to happy things .I look forward to sharing on here and I want to be a blessing to others .I still have my Alanon book from 20 years ago .Going to find meetings and get my book out .I know it works because of my past experiences .I know I have to let go and let God .I ask our higher power to be with all of you and give you strenght .
Just wanted to update everyone .I'm not sure how to use the site yet but I'm trying .Started reading my Alanon book last night .I had forgotten how good the words are .Just seems to fit right in my situation .I was up at 2 this morning and got a text from my daughter .Was very surprised .She told me she loved me and was sorry for talking to me the way she did .Usually she takes this approach when others don't work with me .I just went back to her and told her I loved her .Just enjoying the moment and the day .Beautiful day here ! Getting our chores over so we can watch football .
I have dry drunk(I think he isn't drinking or using) son who is also bi-polar. So from time to time his personality changes drastically and he will lash out at, accuse, or blame me or his father for events in the past (often it is unclear exactly what he is accusing us of). This time I just asked him to forgive me for my many shortcomings. He continued attacking and I said I understood he was angry and I told him I didn't have anything else to say. JADE. There is no point arguing with him or trying to justify, defending myself or trying to explain.
I feel like you .Just emotionally spent .Just found out my daughter is living with anoth man about 15 minute drive from me .But what can I do if I offer to help ? She just wants to move back until she can get over her court date .Thinking we will pay for it .It hurts so bad to have to take this stand .I love her .Found Alanon meetings near me ,hope to start Monday .Just want to feel happy and enjoy life again
Al-Anon for you is the best help for her. WSO Al-Anon website has an on-line page on detachment. You might want to read that to see what will work and won't work for you and for your daughter.
