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I'm not sure where to begin with this. I've been trying to get my alcoholic brother to send my deceased mother's phone book to me but haven't had any luck. I finally gave up on that. I'm not on fb and don't want to be. I've made some attempts to find a few family and friends with whom there hasn't been any contact for many years. I did find my cousin's address online or at least what I recalled as her address and I wrote her.
My mother hasn't been gone even a year at this point and my motive for doing this is two fold. I have lots of family pictures and am willing to share them, even mail some to her to keep and share with her brother. I also was looking for someone who might remember our family in a good way and hoped we might share that with one another. She is the daughter of my mom's sister. The sisters were not close but an olive branch was extended as they got older maybe because of their elderly parents and a need to communicate. I'm not really sure but just trying to give you a sense of where the family is at. OK OK I know... lol no explaining necessary since many of you have family dynamics like this too.
Since my brother in his disease has pretty much severed his connection to me as a sister, I suppose I'm searching for someone to remember with. I guess I thought my cousin would be excited about the chance to get pictures of her immediate family if nobody else or at least curious. She did write back in a week's time and was cordial. She said she didn't want the pictures, that her mother left them two boxes and she shared those with her brother. In my letter to her I thanked her for her condolences concerning my mom but his was based on assumption because my A brother told me he's called family and friends to tell them of my mother's death and due to distance, my cousin and her brother wouldn't be coming down for the wake and funeral. What he actually did and didn't do... well, you know how all that goes. My cousin didn't didn't mention my mother's death in any way or my grieving her. She basically told me thanks but no thanks for the picture offer, shared a few basic details about her life and included her email address if I wanted to send her one "once in awhile." I will do that and see how it feels for me. I hadn't included personal info in my letter to her because I wasn't even sure she was living at that address any longer.
I guess I wasn't looking to be best friends with her by reaching out to her but just a family connection. Both her parents are dead now too and we're a small family. I was surprised at her indifference to the pictures I have. I ended up with some wedding portraits of her parents because my mother ended up with many of my grandmother's collection. Ya know I'm just disappointed and feeling a bit lonely in this time of loss. It's been a lot. My mom dying, my brother officially tossing me to the curb and our childhood home being sold. Well.... I have a few others I'm planning on reaching out to who are friends of the family. The reminiscing won't be as personal but I hope something good comes of it. As I search, I'm finding that some of them are already gone and died too young. Anyway, if I don't cultivate anything much with any of the people I'm reaching out to, I do have lots of my own memories and good ones and I have family through this program and others who've come into my life as it is now with recovery. I'm grateful and am making new memories in my life as it is now. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 12th of September 2013 07:29:21 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
In the years immediately following my own mother's death I also reached out to cousins who I discovered were living in the same country as myself. It was lovely to make the connection and it helped me to feel less lonely to know that there was family nearby. But when we did meet up it turned out to be rather strange because they had their own memories and version of my family history, which they chose to share with me. Their story rather undermined my own personal version of events and made me question the character of my parents in a way that I did not like. So naturally I dwelt on that for a bit, until someone said to me 'that was their lives'. After that I made my own choice to let my cousin's family carry on on a separate path.
I understand your need to make connections, I think that it is very natural and it helped me to carry on feeling connected to my dear old mum and dad (up to a point!) For me it turned out to be a lesson in individuality and personal choice. So perhaps that is why I especially love the fact that you are making your own new memories and living your own life day by day. It reminds me to enjoy where I am today as well. Enjoy
When I came forward about the abuse in recovery and to the elders who were still alive, I basically "blew it" with the cousins, siblings, etc., with the exception of ONE female cousin, ONE male cousin and TWO male siblings.....that is IT...
the others shun me for betraying the "family" they hate me for not protecting the "secret"
I say bollix to all of that....its MY recovery and coming forward was for MY recovery...they don't like it???? TOO BAD.....Noone stepped up to help me, support me, noone but my cousins mentioned above did ANYthing to try and help me b4 and after the incident was "made public"
I don't really care...I learned long ago that if a person does not want me its most likely for my own good....what is that saying??? "his/her rejection is perhaps my HP's protection" or words to that effect
I used to care about what others would think about my being in recovery, "sharing the secret" or "letting the old bad cat out of the bag" but now I worry NOT....I have the sovereign right to recovery and as long as I tell the truth, keep the focus on me and my experiences, they can all kiss me where the sun don't shine....b/c really??? I don't care....My cousin and I had a talk about an issue similiar to your post, re: cousins all getting together...I told her being as how I was the "traitor" and black sheep, count me out of this "get together" she told me she cancelled that notion a while ago....she sees that they are not really deep well people....shallow, rather....and she, too, is dong the detachment thing...
we agreed to live and let live...bless them but keep our distance......
bio family/ dna is waaay over rated in my opinion....family is in the HEART....no where else......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Impressive working your program and inspirational post.
I'm glad that you're creating your own memories and have the photos to enjoy. I would be very grateful if someone would do for me what you are trying to accomplish with your family.
While the reactions you're describing from others sound peculiar, I know I'd be met with similar odd dysfunctional dynamics.
It's interesting how other family members can have different needs and agendas that prevent them from what could be a warm, loving experience and strengthening of family bonds. There could be a million reasons for their casual indifference, none of which are personal. I have come to believe that, in this case, their reasons don't matter and I accept their choice. What is most important is my relationship with HP and the knowledge and tools to do HP's will.
Sorry you're missing your Mom. Maybe you could share a few stories of her with some of us on the board or some of us pm? Thinking of you with gentle understanding.
Sadly lot of our families operate under z-control-z. Control works best when we are the most vulnerable- and bereavement is exactly this!
Last week I went to a funeral of a family friend. The only family there was the oldest daughter and her oldest son. I understood exactly why that was so. But we have stayed in touch this week and I am helping put an obituary together. To celebrate and to remember.
Sadly we do have the skills and the heart to grieve and to close ranks for this. If it doesn't work for family, we still have each other. After all we are in this by choice, and not by blood!
Thanks (((everyone))) for sharing your insights and experiences around renewing family relationships.
Milkwood, it helped to know about your experience with family and I'm sorry it didn't turn out to be the experience you were hoping for. I think you've made such a good point about rekindling family relationships and learning others perspectives of past events. I remember now that my cousin was a teenager who liked to poke fun at most of our family. She would point our physical characteristics or mannerisms and made malicious comments. I'd like to think as an adult, she is a kinder individual but there's no guarantee of course. I appreciate your point since I'm grieving and wouldn't want additional upset.
Grateful, thank you so much for your compassionate understanding of where I am right now and the invitation to share about my mom. I can tell you that I began sharing Alanon with her when she was in her 80s. As a newby she told me she disliked a reading after I'd read it to her. She felt the wife was being blamed and she didn't like it. It was the reading in one of daily readers that refers to the wife as a "big thumb" pressing down on her alcoholic husband :) Her favorite slogan was One Day at a Time. Thank you for asking about her.
Bud, thanks, you're right... who knows what goes on in someone else's life at any one time or another. It's difficult to say after a short note whether there is indifference on her part or it's about timing. Thanks for the compliment about working my program. Luckily, I have a new and good life and a higher power that I trust. Although, it's a little different sharing family memories with non family members, I find that it's been a good experience because people in recovery and my other healthy friends are genuinely interested, caring and sharing with compassion and understanding and remembering the best of their own imperfect families and selves.
Nesh, thanks for sharing your es&h with me. You are such a shining example of what the program can do when it's worked. I'm so glad you regained your voice and risked to speak your truth. To thine own self be true :) I agree that definitely some people are best left where they are - at a distance and that family is in the heart.
David, thank you. I have been a part of those funerals both in my family and others. You're being a good friend. They're very lucky to have you. I really like what you said.. we're in this by choice, and not by blood! I just celebrated another year in this programming and reading that was affirming. Thanks for being here.
Hugs, TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Sadly lot of our families operate under z-control-z. Control works best when we are the most vulnerable- and bereavement is exactly this!
she told me she disliked a reading after I'd read it to her. She felt the wife was being blamed and she didn't like it. It was the reading in one of daily readers that refers to the wife as a "big thumb" pressing down on her alcoholic husband :) Her favorite slogan was One Day at a Time. Thank you for asking about her.