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I know this is off topic and you guys will probably scroll and "dumpster it" but thats OK...I think breakthroughs even if off topic should be shared......Who knows??? Someone new just MIGHT be able to relate to this..............
I shared this on another board and it really woke up some folks...... so here goes
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My sponsor asked me...."dearest sister of mine.....WHY did you keep taking Daughter #2 back when you KNEW she would slap you down again and again w/her cruel mind games that she plays on you all the time.....do you LIKE pain?????"
WEll at first I got plenty Pee'od at my dearest friend, but I thought about what she said...meditated on it.....really got "down and dirty" with me re: HONESTY
As a child..I was abandoned time after time, always when I was most in need.....abandoned to have to steal to eat.....abandoned w/no utilities in the house as the monster chased after God knows what other under aged girl, abandoned to her drinking, I wasn't #2 to the booze, I was not even in the equation...her other children were somewhere near last....but my dead brother and I weren't even on the chart
Oh yea, abandoned, kicked to the curb...."abused out" to the point where there was no more room for abuse in my body/mind and soul any more
so why did I keep 4giving and reconciling w/my abusive daughter????
b/c I did not want to *abandon* her.....I did not understand until working my step 4 "quicky" over the weekend, that its OK to leave someone who is abuse....its OK and NATURAL and NECESSARY to leave someone who "takes ya down with their cruelty" Its OK to leave someone who hinders my progress in recovery, who sets me back, who REFUSES to even work this out w/me ...I get a sly grin and an empty apology and then the same patterns....nothing ever changed....
SO...I came to the conclusion that *abandonment* was something I was NEVER to do....to ANYONE....even if they were harming me......I didn't want them to feel that helpless pain of being abandoned
but ya know??? I am *abandoning* ME, if I don't cut off contact w/repeated abusive people.....I am leaving ME...abandoning ME and now that I am aware, Life is gonna change for me re: being crapped upon over and over......a stranger??? 1 time and I am "outta there" but famlly, I just could not do it.......
so who do I choose??? them or me??? I am choosing ME and my sanity........
it was a tough ??? but I needed it thrown at me to force me to really take a hard look at this "Glitch" that I found in my inventory
YES, be loyal.....YES, be patient and compassionate and loyal, but even MORE....be loyal, patient and compassionate w/ME...I COME FIRST now.........To the safe ones??? the ones who love me and treat me as I deserve??? Oh you bet, be loyal, but be ready to let go if I have to........
I just had to share this step 4 WOWZA discovery.........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Great insight N and I appreciate your share. We never know how our shares will affect others...there are many that read and never post.
(((((((((Paula)))))))))))) Hey pretty lady, how are you doing???? and THANKS for the vote of confidence....I appreciate it and you.....Yea, the newbies, I try to "bolster" b/c I know when I was new, scared, down on myself, ???ing everything I did and it was great having some of the more experienced alanoners,acoa's and codies there to share their stuff and say "hey" to me when I posted.........thanks, my good friend....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
And my hand goes up in favor of you, too, Neshema. "Course, you already knew that. But - just in case you forgot. Hand up! Voting in favor of our Neshema!!!!!!
Wow neshema. you know that saying we arrive at the doors right on time...referring to when we hit the doors of the program? Well your share is exactly what i needed the second i needed it. there is a woman i used to sponsor a very long time ago who runs hot and cold with me and sometimes runs ugly. She is mercurial at best...am i showing my age?...and sometimes she uses really really awful racial, religious and ethnic slurs that i just cant stand and it really really bothers me. She's done it a few times and i've tried to explain why it feels like a knife in the gut. she always says it was a joke. and then that she never has done it before. this is one of the reasons i stopped talking to her. just now it happened again and i told her i cant continue the conversation and then i didnt hang up! She seems to have no memory of our conversations and i never know exactly who i'm talking to. She always swears in high dudgeon that she's never etc etc...Well i now recognize why i couldnt let her go thanks to your share. I've been beat up enough by life, family and friends alike much less enemies. As was shared above, you just never know. i'm tired of being abused. i'm tired of hurting so i did the one thing i knew that could calm me down...miracles in progress, amen.
And my hand goes up in favor of you, too, Neshema. "Course, you already knew that. But - just in case you forgot. Hand up! Voting in favor of our Neshema!!!!!!
(((((((((((Grateful))))))))))))) Hey, lady, hows it going??? LOL....Thanks for the "hand up" its been a rocky sorta 2 weeks....my cousin is coming out, end of month, so that will be something nice to look forward to.....still pestering HP for the 4th client that I really need...The animal sheler has 1/2 off Wednesdays adoptions....old labbie is getting up there, my "leg exercise" therapy is helping her get up much better, but I know clock is ticking on her, so kinda looking to save another life by adopting at shelter...miss pittie needs a playmate.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm glad your cousin is coming for a visit. Sorry to hear your dog is hurting and glad to hear you've been helping her get up a little better with leg exercise therapy. They are like members of our family. When my first cat had to be put down, I thought I'd never be able to get another pet. It hurt too much. Now, I have 3. I love these little guys and I guess it is better to open our hearts in love even when we know there will be some sorrow then to close our hearts off to the only thing that can truly make life worth living - loving and being loved. I'm sure you'll find the perfect dog at the perfect time as a playmate for Miss Pittie - and you. (((N)))
neshema...my service dog goes with me to my appointments with my Naprapathist, a bang up new kind of physical zen myofascia theraply and gets her aches and pains relieved too! Highly recommend it!
From CWYA....Well i now recognize why i couldnt let her go thanks to your share. I've been beat up enough by life, family and friends alike much less enemies. As was shared above, you just never know. i'm tired of being abused. i'm tired of hurting so i did the one thing i knew that could calm me down...miracles in progress, amen.
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Hey CWYA I am sooo glad that I helped U with this.....ya know, we coda's are soo used to being banged around, abused, I could see it if they wanted to CHANGE, or compromise or work stuff out, respect boundaries, but there are folks who just are on bad energy, thats all I know how to describe it,
but this above share I did, as uncomfortable as it was to share, I had to ACCEPT....this is FACT.....FACT, I was being abused...........FACT my other family, including older daughter saw the damage this was doing to me.........FACT..I tried to "talk things over, make amends" and I got nowhere.......FACT...nothing changes unless I change ME.........
hard but a FACT.........Glad that you took care of yourself, and I do my own doggie therapy, too poor as yet, still, to afford care , barely, for me, but my fur babies, I am very "techie" on the animals, had them all my life, midwifed puppies, foals, kittens, calves, goats....so yea, I give them shots, wormings, but here I take them to vet for rabies b/c A- its legal......B- I like my vet to run her hands over my pets and look at them and give them a check up...
Keep up the good work, lady friend....Glad U took care of YOU....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
neshema...my service dog goes with me to my appointments with my Naprapathist, a bang up new kind of physical zen myofascia theraply and gets her aches and pains relieved too! Highly recommend it!
Sounds like U love your 4 legged "kids" as much as I do mine........:) I just can't understand folks who don't like the critters......I love animals more then I do most people (present company MIP the exception) but really the folks out in the "world" not in recovery, I love my pets more then most people......they love me no matter what....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks for the hello. This other weird situation i have where i swear to you its true, this woman and i havent actually had a conversation other than exchanging machine messages wanted me to leave a book for her out on the sidewalk and she would drive by and get it, like i'm going to contaminate her or something. So i'm with you...maybe i'm going to stick with the 4-leggeds 4 now and mip since the human being stuff ain't goin so good. maybe i'll venture out again when my grief season has passed. Sometimes it feels like the compassion and mercy only goes one way...away from me. i try not to get discouraged but right now well i guess i just dont have it in me and this morning i felt so great. oh well. maybe tomorrow will be better.
On the sidewalk? She wants you to leave a book for her on the sidewalk? You are a woman with dignity. You can handle this with dignity. And the answer to that request with dignity as well. She might want you to do that. What does your HP want? I don't need an answer, but it seems to me this situation needs a solution that isn't controlled by this woman. Last I heard, she wanted you to leave it on a table at your meeting place? PM me if you want to talk about this, C.
So i'm with you...maybe i'm going to stick with the 4-leggeds 4 now and mip since the human being stuff ain't goin so good. maybe i'll venture out again when my grief season has passed. Sometimes it feels like the compassion and mercy only goes one way...away from me. i try not to get discouraged but right now well i guess i just dont have it in me and this morning i felt so great. oh well. maybe tomorrow will be better.
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there is nothing wrong w/needing a retreat....I came to this board and the intensity of getting back into program, kinda put me in 12 steps "shock" so I needed a retreat from the board to have a intimate 1 on 1 w/my dearest friend and my co-sponsor....we have 30 plus years together, so I announced to the board I was taking a SHORT sabatical and I took it....Didn't feel the need to explain, I needed it for me...I was doing step 4 and I was headed down the Pavement of pain and needed a 1 on 1 w/my closest, perhaps, ally and a 12 stepper....We worked over my "speed bump" in step 4 and I came back a couple of days later, here and posted, and felt better, more focused, more "in tune w/me" sorta...it was like a retreat of sorts w/my dearest confidant....
so there is nothing wrong w/doing what U gotta do to take care of you....I take "mini retreats" from people...the world...life's hassles....and I get w/my critters who are OF Spirit...who are closer to HP then I will ever be with my baggage and my "stuff" I am working out so I don't take it with me when i go home......sometimes I make my free time JUST ME..and my pets.....Noone else....sometimes I hunker down with me, pets AND my few very close humans....whatever.....
whatever I am doing, I am feeling better....more mindful....more connected w/me....more aware.....more in tune with MY life rhythms so that is a good thing....
Recovery is not a "one size fits all" YES...steps are essential.....family of origin discovery study is essential...slogan practice...meetings....sponsor or recovery mate work is important, SURE....however it still is an individual thing.....that is what I love about program.....there is no cookie cutter way about it........
So If you need to back off from humans for a bit, why not??? I do it, but I also am aware that I don't want to isolate , either and I CAN be prone to that....I am not a people person, really, more comfy w/animals and nature b/c they give me beauty, people a lot of times gave me great pain, so yea, I am not really a people person, that said, however, the few, close humans I DO have in my life, I treasure them...I love their company, and crave hearing their voices and listening to their life's adventures and I am eager to support them in any way I can, but I am very quiet about my personal life and my close , intimate circle of people is small....however I know that these folks would go the distance for me as I would for them....
So you do what you gotta do and feel good taking care of you.....Sometimes when i have had a bad experience w/a human, I, too, at times need to back off....regroup....work my program.....get a healthy perspective re: the lesson involved.......move on and proceed w/my life.....
Take care and its been great exchanging esh with you.....:)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
On the sidewalk? She wants you to leave a book for her on the sidewalk? You are a woman with dignity. You can handle this with dignity. And the answer to that request with dignity as well. She might want you to do that. What does your HP want? I don't need an answer, but it seems to me this situation needs a solution that isn't controlled by this woman. Last I heard, she wanted you to leave it on a table at your meeting place? PM me if you want to talk about this, C.
OH I am glad U saw that too, Grateful....I was pretty unimpressed w/this woman treating our fellow alanoner like that....and I 100% agree w/ what u r saying......this gal needs to know she is NOT in control.........
HEY CW.........if you want to "PM" me as well, just for esh and support, please do so....I am on here to check my messages and drop a post or two every day, pretty much.....so u need to talk?? Grateful offered and so am I.....This was real wrong what she did......I didn't say anything b4 b/c I kinda had to "process" it, but I did want to support you on needing to "back off" and regroup.....Sometimes I have to "percolate" some stuff I see on the boards b/c I want to think b/4 I open my big mouth......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Sometimes it feels like the compassion and mercy only goes one way...away from me. i try not to get discouraged but right now well i guess i just dont have it in me and this morning i felt so great. oh well. maybe tomorrow will be better.
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Hey U have folks who care about you and what happened.....did U see Grateful's post to you??? it was spot on......and I can relate to the above, sometimes I feel like I am a water cooler, with folks dipping their cups under my spicket, and just opening it up, full throttle but never wanting to pour any H20 in my tank that is experiencing a declining supply....So I just have to back up.....work the steps......and either call a recovery mate, or show up here and get some support from a soul or two and even go to a meet if I can........Sending you energy of peace and respect.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When the tank is empty should I look to HP to refill? Should I look within myself for a refill? If I close my eyes for a moment and count my blessings will I feel renewed? Today I am grateful for having the privilege of reading all your posts. I see many wonderful souls on here and it brings warmth and comfort. Thank you for sharing your most inner thoughts and giving me the ability to do the same. It reminds me we are human who all feel the need for love and acceptance.
When the tank is empty should I look to HP to refill? Should I look within myself for a refill? If I close my eyes for a moment and count my blessings will I feel renewed? Today I am grateful for having the privilege of reading all your posts. I see many wonderful souls on here and it brings warmth and comfort. Thank you for sharing your most inner thoughts and giving me the ability to do the same. It reminds me we are human who all feel the need for love and acceptance.
Dear Mari...my take is....IF I am capable of filling my tank then its my job....IF I am powerless and therefore NOT capable, w/my trust issues re: HP , I just detach...hope HP works on it but if HP does not, then at least I let go of issue I am not capable of doing anything about
I struggle w/HP's involvement in my life.....prayers unheard...prayers unanswered and like this needing another client...did I ask hp for lotto?? no!!! at 67 years old when I should be, deserve to be, slowing down, I asked for another CLIENT = work.....and I can't even get that.....Being my own HP , I don't have enough power.....So I am in a quandry.....the one who CANT is willing (me) the one who CAN help me is on voice mail......Go figure.....This is a "not too happy w/HP" day.....I really really really need to pick up at least one more monthly client, pref. two....no sign in site.....all the calls I get are really stupid people who dont' read my ad SAYING , specifically, that I want to work in THESE cities b/c I do not want a long drive....i don't charge for that drive b/c they squawk about it so I prefer to work within 20 miles from home and these idiots call from 50 mi. away......I tell them to please READ the ad before they call me on a SATURDAY inquiring about my services........guess I need good workout on trampolene to let go this frustration.......hope this answered your ???? I tend to "go off" at times.....Dunno HOW to keep a post short, LOL
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you guys so much for the validation and caring i will take you up on the pm offer cuz i'm just in so much pain right now i just cant take any more hurt. I'm going to stay on the MIP board for my support for awhile to heal from these toxic encounters. my biggest problem is I am so alone. i have no humans at all. much less any who are close to me, everyone is gone and my one true blue friend is out of state. Imoved to this town so i could have program people and meetings to go to. And its just not working out. I see now i trust inappropriately because i'm so needy. Yes my hp can fill up my tank so to speak but humans still need human contact. this is not to stay that i am not grateful for my blessings its just that a girl needs a hug now and then.
Thank you guys so much for the validation and caring i will take you up on the pm offer cuz i'm just in so much pain right now i just cant take any more hurt. I'm going to stay on the MIP board for my support for awhile to heal from these toxic encounters. my biggest problem is I am so alone. i have no humans at all. much less any who are close to me, everyone is gone and my one true blue friend is out of state. Imoved to this town so i could have program people and meetings to go to. And its just not working out. I see now i trust inappropriately because i'm so needy. Yes my hp can fill up my tank so to speak but humans still need human contact. this is not to stay that i am not grateful for my blessings its just that a girl needs a hug now and then.
(((((((((((((((((((CWYA)))))))))))))) I can sooo relate....even tho I am not a people person, I do crave my close ones and I do feel pangs of lonliness at times.......especially when I have joy to share or pain to get a cuddle about.......You hang with us....I am soooo sorry U R not so happy now.....when I really get bummed out, I just GET OUT....go to a neighbor's house (lucky to have nice neighbors) or I go to goodwill and browse.....I MOVE my body and the motion, action produces good hormones......I can also relate to being "needy" I was b/c I was not connected w/me yet and that is going away....the neediness is lessening, big time....program, steps, slogans, literature, hanging out w/recovery mates, meetings.....all a good RX for neediness.....I was sooo unwanted as a child, the neediness came as part of that abandonment and not being wanted........HP , to me, sometimes is NOT enough....we are social animals....even picky, reserved ones like me....we NEED others....not to be dependent on, but INTERdependence is not only healthy it is part of the human experience in collectively overcoming and healing with each other........and you BET we need a hug every now and again.....I'll get a lot when my cuz comes to visit me...we are very affectionate w/each other....I just love her to bits.....older daughter is in MD and I soo miss her.....she is planning a visit and it won't be soon enough for my liking...........................take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
thank you for the reminder that its ok to need others. I understand your quandary about what your HP does and does not do. how i dealt with those feelings of abandonment by hp and feeling unheard was to remind myself that there are 3 answers to prayer: no, yes, not now. Trust me i get po'd too when the answer is no or not now! and guess what? my hp is ok with me being mad at her/him/it, or perhaps in shorthand, rit? as in color me blue, red, and purple. Well my natural good humor is starting to reexert itself so that's a good sign. But i aint steppin out of my cave today if i can help it! There's lions and tigers and bears out there. moving to combat grief and loneliness does help a lot. that's why God made taekwondo and feet. I am looking forward to a visit in October by my best friend. cant wait. its the first time she's visited since my son's funeral.
But i aint steppin out of my cave today if i can help it! There's lions and tigers and bears out there. moving to combat grief and loneliness does help a lot. that's why God made taekwondo and feet. I am looking forward to a visit in October by my best friend. cant wait. its the first time she's visited since my son's funeral.
Sounds like a good plan to me.....I want quiet today as well.....just recharge...regroup.....meditate.....and just BE......Just got off trampolene....about 20 mins. b4 the utilities came to work on the electric box across alley....drove me inside to finish on my jumpy ball......I like peace and quiet, I really do.....but got the workout done and i am ready for meditations....SEEING my good....letting go stuff that blocks my good karma..........TAke care.......I am glad we "met" CWYA....Its been great trading esh with you.....I do hope you stick w/us.....post your little heart out and when we can, we will respond....I don't know a negative soul on this board......this whole MIP site is just FULL of decent, recovery worker bees who just want to make life better for themselves, so they can share that w/ others......GLAD U R here
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
i cant say how much better i feel. the tears have slowed down. i apologize for highjacking your share. i'll figure all this online stuff out eventually. i may be challenged by i'm not stupid which is how people respond to me sometimes cuz i have such trouble communicating. good days, bad days. we all get 'em and we all learn to share about them so others can hopefully find solace and comfort too like i have[love to all].
i cant say how much better i feel. the tears have slowed down. i apologize for highjacking your share. i'll figure all this online stuff out eventually. i may be challenged by i'm not stupid which is how people respond to me sometimes cuz i have such trouble communicating. good days, bad days. we all get 'em and we all learn to share about them so others can hopefully find solace and comfort too like i have[love to all].
((((((((((CWYA)))))))))))))))) you did not hijack my share, oh pleeeeeze don't think that...I LOVED this exchange......and of course u r not stupid.....ohh bless your heart!!!!!!! sending you comforting energy and some smiles and happy thoughts.....:) :)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
i cant say how much better i feel. the tears have slowed down. i apologize for highjacking your share. i'll figure all this online stuff out eventually. i may be challenged by i'm not stupid which is how people respond to me sometimes cuz i have such trouble communicating. good days, bad days. we all get 'em and we all learn to share about them so others can hopefully find solace and comfort too like i have[love to all].
Please....POST AS MUCH AS YOU WANT HERE..............I really really really enjoyed this exchange with ALL of you......My shares on here are for ALL of us.......HONEST!!!!!!!
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Wow since the first day I got on here you have been right there, with something to say to help me Thank You for being there!!!! You seem like such a great person.
Wow since the first day I got on here you have been right there, with something to say to help me Thank You for being there!!!! You seem like such a great person.
THANK you, Islandtime.....Glad U R here!!!! and I am glad U got something out of this thread...We had some great sharing on here for sure......:)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
