The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to say a little about getting in the last word, trying to explain, or answering emails, texts even phone calls. I just don't know why I had to do these things. WHY?? A fellow member finally got it though my head I can let go and I will be OK. To continue to try and explain, fix or get in the last word doesn't help my AS. He is not going to get any better or worse if I do or I don't. Most of the time he doesn't even remember what was said or written later.
So why put myself in the position of anger, fear or trying to manipulate anything he does or says. What good did it do? Such a simple concept that I have NEVER been to able to grasp in the past.
HP works in many ways and the revelations and miracles come in time.
My tool box is filling up
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I need to say a little about getting in the last word, trying to explain, or answering emails, texts even phone calls. I just don't know why I had to do these things. WHY?? A fellow member finally got it though my head I can let go and I will be OK. To continue to try and explain, fix or get in the last word doesn't help my AS. He is not going to get any better or worse if I do or I don't. Most of the time he doesn't even remember what was said or written later.
So why put myself in the position of anger, fear or trying to manipulate anything he does or says. What good did it do? Such a simple concept that I have NEVER been to able to grasp in the past.
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For me it is my desperate attempt to feel like I am in control, even if I am not...."getting in the last word" is a control/fear issue, I see it in me.....like I gotta have that last "shot" or the last ditch effort to feel like I am in control over the situation.....I am slowly releasing that need.....like I say what I gotta say and then J A D E kickes in................I dont justify.....argue.......defend........explaine.......and and "S" should be added..........I don't need to "force sell" my opinons...........people are gonna take what they like and dumpster the rest, anyway, so why waste my energy....say it and get out......let it go..........HARD but doable.......
sending you peace, comfort and big HUGSSSSS
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I find myself constantly checking my cellphone in case my AS called. I answer the phone immediately if I think it might be him or someone else calling with news about him. I don't want to miss a call and I know this is crazy! I usually end up saying the wrong thing just to ease my fear and this is not helpful. I too want to get in that last word - control issue with me.
The phone thing I have mostly gotten over. After the phone started to scare me I had to do something. I was going nuts with the phone tucked into my bra just waiting for it to ring but also scared. I even hated the ring tones so I had to put it on vibrate. I was asked to put the phone in the other room just for a while each day. Then day by day I could leave it there longer. I'm now when I get to work it doesn't even come out of my purse. I can leave it in the car when in the store shopping. Go figure.....
I have realized if my son was in trouble or needed something that bad he would continue to call or leave a message. I could get back to him. Messages work well because I will know before hand if he was drinking and nothing really wrong, just wants to have a pity party with me.
Try it......just for today. It works, if you work it and your worth it
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I like the last word, too. I have learned to be quiet (at least do the "looks as if") with lots of practice. I used to think I had power if I had the last word, but I have found I feel much more empowered when I can be still and quiet.
I completely understand about the phone, I'm actually scared for it to ring and leave it turned off most of the time especially at night.
Sad isn't it... =(
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Nothing is more fatiguing than the eternal hanging-on of an unfinished task.
I always turn my phone off at night, otherwise I wouldn't get a good night's sleep. A woman from my Al-Anon group suggested it. Only thing is I have anxiety when turning it back on in the morning :(
One morning I had 2 missed calls from a # that I didn't recognize, then a voice mail from my son to call back. It was the # for the hospital where he checked himself in. I almost freaked out! This is why I am scared of the phone.
It's just awful.
At work I used to keep it turned off and then check at lunchtime. That worked out fine; maybe because I was busy and didn't have AS constantly on my mind.
I always turn my phone off at night, otherwise I wouldn't get a good night's sleep. A woman from my Al-Anon group suggested it. Only thing is I have anxiety when turning it back on in the morning :(
One morning I had 2 missed calls from a # that I didn't recognize, then a voice mail from my son to call back. It was the # for the hospital where he checked himself in. I almost freaked out! This is why I am scared of the phone.
It's just awful.
At work I used to keep it turned off and then check at lunchtime. That worked out fine; maybe because I was busy and didn't have AS constantly on my mind.
Well then. Your son got help didn't he. He was in good hands at the hospital and didn't need you. I'm finding I totally took over my son's life to the point of him not being able to do anything for himself without calling me. Now that is sick on my part.
That last sentence... at work..... keeping busy.... good idea.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Don't wait like me and have a little boy at 36. You need help for you to stop the madness. Take the plunge into Al-anon.....if you don't like it they will gladly refund your misery.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you for this post, this really makes sense. Go figure, the last word doesn't really mean anything to them. You are helping me realize none of my words really matter to an A-first, middle, last or all the words in between, its truly that simple.
LOL .. Cathy my issue is the need to be right .. if only HE would listen to me after all I know what I'm doing and he certainly doesn't .. if this ONE time he would just hear me then things would be different. When I started seeing the biggest difference in me was when I could let go of the need to be right (that goes for me with having the last word). I still struggle in other relationships with this particular character defect at least now when I do it .. I can totally see when I am.
Fantastic growth!! Good for you on having this kind of awareness!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
