The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for my own illness.
I wouldn't come here if I didn't want to learn about myself and how to accept and love all about me.
I wouldn't come back here, if I wasn't tired of being victimized due to my own weaknesses.
I wouldn't have found this place if I didn't notice something was wrong in my behavior and expectations, and that I was probably hurting others as well as getting hurt by them.
Today I feel a lot of pain, shame and guilt. But also hope, courage and the willingness to learn.
In some earlier post here, it has been talked about the fear of getting real close to someone. The anxiety about trusting others. The consequences of feeling isolated and disconnected. It rang some bells for me. And I notice that while I'm letting go of the A and all that makes our relationship so sick, another sickness is lying open within me. I am not good in being close, I am not good in receiving. That's why I feel lonely.
This is what I will have to work on intensively in the future. Because it dawned on me for so much time already.... I'm scared to be fully open to someone healthy...hence my attraction to hurt and irresponsible people. Maybe I thought for a long time that helping them would help me too in an indirect way. I didn't see it coming that I hurt more than I helped, the other one and myself, that was not a plan. Now is the time to become honest about it. I hope to be able to forgive, I want to learn to be close and let close without disappearing. I wish I can get rid of resentment, anger and blame. of guilt, of sadness.
Please HP, please Al Anon, please Me, help me to become true to myself, grow out of this childish naiveté, be more responsible for my behavior.
Today I give in in full humility. i don't know what tomorrow will feel like. Today I feel like this. I need to heal , I once knew how to love the life.
n some earlier post here, it has been talked about the fear of getting real close to someone. The anxiety about trusting others. The consequences of feeling isolated and disconnected. It rang some bells for me. And I notice that while I'm letting go of the A and all that makes our relationship so sick, another sickness is lying open within me. I am not good in being close, I am not good in receiving. That's why I feel lonely.
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WOW, POWERFUL post and I see program is your focus....you made the best choice...all the ailments u list above can be addressed and at least managed, if not healed in program....meets....steps w/a good sponsor....slogan practice....literature....the whole ball of wax......it has changed me, so it can change anyone....for the BETTER, of course :)
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
"Codependence is an emotional and behavioral defense system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child. Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met - our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs. Codependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside. Codependence is a defense system that causes us to wound ourselves.
Some people, when they first get into Recovery, when they first start on a healing path, mistakenly believe that they are supposed to take down their defenses and learn to trust everyone. That is a very dysfunctional belief. It is necessary to take down the dysfunctional defense systems but we have to replace them with defenses that work. We have to have a defense system, we have to be able to protect ourselves. There is still a hostile environment out there full of wounded Adult Children whom it is not safe to trust.
In our disease defense system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then - as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation - we lower the drawbridge and invite them in. We, in our Codependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals - exactly the ones who will "push our buttons."
This happens because those people feel familiar. Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most - were the most familiar - hurt us the most. So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns and being given the reminder that it is not safe to trust ourselves or other people
Once we begin healing we can see that the Truth is that it is not safe to trust as long as we are reacting out of the emotional wounds and attitudes of our childhoods. Once we start Recovering, then we can begin to see that on a Spiritual level these repeating behavior patterns are opportunities to heal the childhood wounds.
The process of Recovery teaches us how to take down the walls and protect ourselves in healthy ways - by learning what healthy boundaries are, how to set them, and how to defend them. It teaches us to be discerning in our choices, to ask for what we need, and to be assertive and Loving in meeting our own needs. (Of course many of us have to first get used to the revolutionary idea that it is all right for us to have needs.)"
(Quotations from 'Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney')
I learned to put me on the list of people I loved and I learned that if I didn't have me I didn't have anything else and then I accepted that as the truth rather than someone in the past telling me "It's vain". No its true someone who wants to keep me down says it's vain. You're doing good Tortuga...you're not alone...we're doing this together and it's good to watch you grow. It's okay to be your own grown up...one of my own lessons. ((((hugs))))
The way that I figure it is that when we take responsibility of all our traits, good and bad, we are also picking up the reigns that enable us to make changes as well. How does that thought make me feel? Empowered! And sometimes scared! But I'm proud to be learning and I hope you know that we are on the path with you
Sending (((((hugs)))))
For me, I needed to accept the love and support of Alanon before I could start loving myself. Having different skills to find and understand different perspectives carves a healthier path and I leave the familiar deep rut behind. I plan to consider myself at the beginning because humbling myself and being willing are my cornerstones for healthy choices.
Forgiveness, letting go, loving ourself, healthy choices all come one day at a time as we share and support our journeys.
We must humble ourselves let go of our ego's and empty ourselves totally before our HP's can then FILL us with all that is good and necessary for our destiny. Less will be more.....oldergal
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
It's hard to let healthy folks get close to you. This was my experience. I thought healthy people would not be interested or would view me as messed up. So I picked bad partners. I hope you allow yourself friends and future partners who have integrity and spiritual soundness. You deserve it.
