The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes the known is easier in my head than the unknown. Interesting how many posts I read here resonate and I don't feel so alone right now. That I am so thankful for this board it is changing my thinking in so many ways. But truthfully I am scared of the unknown and I know that has to do with letting HP take the lead and doing something different. I am also petrified if A SO leaves. He is so mean why is it so scary, its scarier to be afraid of his rants and awful words so why is it so hard to accept this change and be okay right now. I want the change, I want the relationship but its not working and why in the heck do I want someone bullying me and angry at everything I do, good and bad. I have felt terrorized many times. Why am I so scared to let go of that?
Ugh. I guess that is the courage that I need to pray and pray for.
For me that was fear of the unknown...I wanted to know and I wanted guarantees. It was just fear. My head was messing with me, drawing wild pictures about "stuff" and I was reacting to it. I was working with False Evidence Appearing Real. F E A R. I learned to trust only what was in front of me and not what was in the future and unseen. I got rid of my crystal ball (or turned it into a bowling ball or...?) and only dealt with what was right before me. Got a good sponsor to help me see the picture for what it was and did what you did here also...reached out and asked for help.
Yup, FEAR can be paralyzing. It took me a long time before the pain of the situation became large enough to take action over the fear... that's how huge my fears can be. Sometimes I practice feeling the fear, but take action anyway, as it is a way of being true to myself. Working through fears with a sponsor or another Alanon member helps develop the skills that I need to get myself in a better/ healthier/ safer situation.
I have in the past had fear of my SO. The fear of being alone even with the verbal abuse. The fear of losing everything. The fear I can't take care of myself even though I do now and can.
I'm also lazy and don't want to do the work needed to get out the situation. The change is too much for me.
When will I change? I'm guessing when the I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I'm in so much pain and fear ( like the alcoholic ) I will seek out the help and courage to change.
I do know nothing changes if nothing changes.
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I don't know PP I need to sit with that for a while. Progress for me has been finding this online forum which is just a wonderful place, realizing I am letting this happen I.e. the A controlling my actions, and starting to dissect that. It's likely fear of not being perfect and not making everyone around me happy, I grew up in a house where you did everything you could not to displease my mother for fear of ramifications. I will do some more thinking but maybe I am comfortable being scared and trying to fix or just trying to keep things on an even keel because its the known? Strange.
Thanks for the support it makes such a difference.
There was a time in my life, mm, when I thought God was like my parents and that I'd be punished if I made a wrong step in life. Of course, I made many mistakes in my life. They all led me to discover that HP/God was nothing like my parents and certainly didn't want to punish me. HP just wanted to lead me to a life of radical abundance - not abundance in the sense of a ton of money - but abundance in the sense of - well, you could always find that out for yourself and you will as you continue working your program. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.
I used to be ruled by FEAR. Although I KNOW the person I last dated had their "own stuff" in the relationship, I'm certain my obsession with fear drove us apart. I would have literal, physical reactions to fear and abandonment - even from someone who clearly didn't love, honor and respect me.
I had to learn to sit with these and lovingly look within to find out the purpose. It was ultimately a protective mechanism that i simply couldn't acknowledge was no longer working. Today, I am reminded I have choices. I acknowledge that the discomfort and even PAIN can be comfortable to me. When I actually MADE this connection I understood that I was really on a journey to somewhere new and I needed to stay the course. You're not alone!
