The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So after nasty words and arguing for weeks, my alcoholic mum textd me saying she wanted to make friends before i leave so i said i do too, and invited her round for lunch, today she came round & told me how her house was going up for sale on Monday, she's been saying for years she's going to sell the house but the week before i am moving 300 miles away she decides to put it up for sale. Got a feeling she's either scared and panicking that i'm going, trying to show her independence, trying to be vindictive, or wanting to follow me to the coast. OR she could just want to drink her 200 grand away. She's mentioned moving there along side me not long ago, and today mentioned buying a 'holiday home' in Cheshire near her friends, i didn't ask where else she was thinking of living. She ended up saying she would lend me 700 pound today, i didn't want to rely on her again for money as i'm trying to be independent myself, and she has always shown her love through giving me money because she can't give me emotionally. But sometimes she will be cruel with it too & use money as a control weapon and say to me i've been given too much.
Anyway, i feel happy that i've seen her & that we've made 'friends' as she put it. She said she was hungry so i made her half a fillet of chicken, 3 new potatoes, and some broccoli, she ate just half of it and needed the toilet immediately after, her breathing sounded slightly wheezy.
Last night i had a good cry after the alanon meeting, the thought of leaving my mum breaks my heart & i felt the pain massively last night. I know i can't control anything, but i just wish things were different. I wish she was healthy. But i am only able to focus on me (live & let live) i like that slogan, so i need to remember that. As i type that my mind gets carried away again with i wonder where it will all end for her. What will happen if she lives in between places, like gets her holiday home in Cheshire AND in Cornwall near me. & ends up in a mess where she struggles to do anything for herself. I just hope i don't regret anything, and that she will be okay without me.. i don't do much for her anyway though, i've helped her a few times in her house but she just does her own thing & doesn't want to meet me that much or spend time with me. It just feels scary that i won't have the choice to just pop round or meet up with her whenever i feel like it..
One day at a time, one hour at a time, whatever you need to do to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am sorry for your pain and I know your mom is feeling it, too. ((hugs to you both))
(((Q))) You did well. You chose to behave in a way that helps you feel good about yourself. Mother and daughter relationships can be complicated - even without alcohol in some families. A little admission here - right before I left home at 19 - my Mom and I got into a big argument. I stormed out. She stormed back into the house. When I got older, I realized that both of us were having a terrible time saying good bye. I needed to move out. She needed me to move out. And we still had a hard time doing it. We didn't handle that transition well. When I married - another transition - I can still remember my Mom waving at me from the front door of her house with a smile on her face as I got into the front seat with my new husband the day after we married. Both of us had learned a different way to say good bye. Not so much to each other, but to the relationship as we had known it. Neither of us knew what the future would hold now that our circumstances and the roles we had played in each other's lives had changed. You are leaving home and moving 300 miles away. Neither your Mom or you know what the future holds for either of you. Living one day at a time, one hour at a time as Paula suggests and relishing the time you have with each other now makes the transition much easier. You have a HP. Your Mom does, too. Neither of you are alone nor will you be alone.
