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I've been away from al-Anon for almost 3 years. at the same time i've been in a relationship with a man, who's not an addict. BUT he's a rageoholic, a victim of domestic violence as a kid (both getting beaten and witnessing his mom getting beaten) and grew up in a war-zone city in another part of the world where bombing and gun deaths were common occurrences every day.
Quite simply: I love him (of course, otherwise why would this be insane?). We live together. When I do small things that annoy him, his temper flares into a rage and he berates me. He yells and insults. He storms around the apartment. He threatens to leave me one day, leave me out of the blue and never speak about it to me. I'm terrified to make him angry. I hide feelings and thoughts from him. Deep down I think he's abusive, but I don't like to admit it. A friend remarked that I show signs of being in an abusive relationship - (he's never hit me. he said that he's not emotionally abusive because he's NOT TRYING to hurt me).
We had a number of small-escalating-to-HUGE fights in the last week. He's called me incompetent (yet I have a successful career - and he's struggled in the past 2 years to build and maintain jobs). He said I'm walking chaos, that I bring chaos into his life. We had another fight yesterday morning (over house keys! I had asked him to leave our dogwalker's keys under the mat since I had borrowed them. He got mad that there would be a possibility of him having to clean up dog poop since they wouldn't get their afternoon walk). He hasn't talked to me since. Only short emails about our side business that we have together.
This is all insane. Crazy. But I'm posting because these boards have saved my life before. I need them to save it again. I need perspective, experience strength and hope. I think the steps and wisdom from Al-Anon can help me again. SO: this is me, back at step 1.
I'm traveling on buisness but I'm going to try and find an in-person meeting so I can get a little sane before I go home. (i have a feeling he won't be in our apartment when i get back).
Well, I hope for your safety he is not in your apartment when you return. You are in an abusive relationship with a ticking time bomb...he has created another war zone for the two of you. Thankfully, you have experienced al anon and you know how it will help you to move toward sanity. Welcome home. (((hugs)))
That said, it's still no excuse to perpetuate the behavior. He's got choices he can make on his own to stop the cycle, but of course as we all know, HE has to want the change for himself and no amount of pleading, begging, threatening, consoling, etc. will get him to change.
I'm glad you're making it back to Al-Anon meetings. There is no reason why you should be required to bend yourself into a pretzel in order to avoid an argument over big or little things.
Sis...welcome back to the board...from my experience as a counselor...your SO isn't talking about you on the rage and put downs and he isn't blaming you either...He is talking about himself and using you as a proxy...he's abused out. If he were to hold himself responsible for his anguish and anxitey there would be no more room to put it. If he's still there when you get back and you have the moxie to listen? Ask him what he's really affraid of. Keep and open mind cause you're not his counselor. Find the meeting and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
thank you for your responses. they sincerely mean the world to me.
posting this has made me feel a bit better, a bit more anxious. i feel like i've lightened my load and also have to protect him from my own accusations at the same time.
@ Jerry - I would ask him what he's really afraid of, but he wouldn't understand the question (or he'd claim not to). but i'm curious now. what IS he really afraid of when i can't walk the fine line of perfection that he has set up? i'm going to ask. why not?
i don't remember how to detach with love. i don't remember all of the lessons. what is mine to bear and what do i give back to him? i need boundaries 101, i think!
Your SO sounds much like my father. I was not raised in a home with substance abuse but my father was a rageoholic. It was not a matter of if he would blow and become verbally abusive, it was a matter of when. He was raised with abuse, physical and I suspect sexual...things that break my heart when I think about them. He was (and still is) emeshed in his pain/suffering/victimhood and would control our family gatherings with his anger and stories of pain. His pain was projected onto my mom, me and my siblings There were infrequent beatings, but beatings nonetheless....I would not cry, so he hit harder, leaving welts. I know now that his venom had nothing to do with me. He is remorseful for the whippings he gave me with his belt, and I have forgiven him. As Jerry has stated, you are a stand in for his pain and anguish...it is not about you. And I know hearing it and knowing it in your soul can be miles apart. I know you will reach for recovery, and, I hope for him, he will get some help so his soul can feel some peace.
Well, I hope for your safety he is not in your apartment when you return. You are in an abusive relationship with a ticking time bomb...he has created another war zone for the two of you. Thankfully, you have experienced al anon and you know how it will help you to move toward sanity. Welcome home. (((hugs)))
Paula said it here..."You are in an abusive relationship with a ticking time bomb"......If I were you I would attend meets, work the steps w/a sponsor, work the slogans, read literature, and like I tell everyone else who chooses to live at risk like this, get the numbers of the local emergency hot line folks who can help you and also a dom. violence shelter....
I used to get into bad relationships, too, until I finally put it all in the bucket, NO relationship until substantial recovery was under my belt....I did the steps multi times and ea. time found MORE stuff about me as to why I put myself in such danger, at risk when I really craved peace and love and safety and a healthy friendship/romance where I could really be ME w/out retaliation....NOW that is the way I feel and I don't attract these kinds of folks.....I stand up for me and / or flat out remove me from ANY signs of abuse of any kind
Peace be unto you
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
As a product of unspeakable abuse, I can relate to his being in so much pain, but when I was "pre-recovery" I took my angst and pain out on me and , believe it or not, poor HP got it too....I never cold harm another
That said, I do sincerely hope this guy gets some help b/c at this rate?? He is high risk for hurting someone....Some day he will lose control and someone will end up hurt or dead...I've seen folks like him come close b4....
with me , I self abused...berating me, verbal abuse, I would ball up my fist and hit me in the head and yank my hair at the slightest mistake....
Reading another poster here, JerryF, I think, said he was "abused out" BOY did that ring a chord for me....I used to say all the time "i am pained out" I guess that is why I can be patient for a time w/someone , then all of a sudden, I will just "poof" gone...disconnect....I have zero room for anymore abuse.....
So, I am seeing what he feels from his side and ya know??? For me, the berating was on ME...I never projected it upon another, funny b/c most raging people do, but I guess I am weird...I couldn't harm another, only me and cursing out HP...that was it....Thank heavens I am in recovery and had somewhere, finally to put that rage and grief....the rage was the lid to my fear and greif that were just too big for me to handle....the learned helplessness I picked up as a result from "parents from haides" was horrendous...anytime life would throw something at me that I could not immediately handle, I would fly into a rage , it gave me the "illusion" that I was in control...adn to this day, I battle the need to always be in control
Now that I have shared some of my story and even tho I feel a load of compassion for ANYone victimized by horrendous abuse, that does not excuse their behaviour.....yes, it explains it, but it does not excuse it....I am still making amends to me and the way I treated me...I think HP is "ok" but I am still making amends to me
Its a God's miracle that I survived and then, went past just survival and into actually living when I got into program....this program has literally saved my life.....I wanted out of here...I wanted OUT of life.....dunno how many times I tried to kill me, the first time I was 10, when I hung myself...Almost succeeded but the maid cut me down and resuscitated me ....I guess I had a job here, so "no" to the suicides is what HP had to say
Your sig. other needs big time help..Of course you know that, but whether he gets it or not is out of your power....I urge you to really work intensely on you.....my step work showed me so much about me, and why I kept going back to abusive relationships when I really did't want them and would walk when it happened shortly after....I never let it endure....Its almost as if, "OK, I can abuse me but noone else is".....strange, but that is how I felt...
it has taken me 11 years of recovery to finally get to the point where I can love me and take good care of me and exit when I am near a toxic person.....bad relationships don't attract me anymore b/c I have moved past that...
family, friend, whatever, I will leave them if they are abusive...that is me...I had my fill of abuse and pain and wont' "go there" ever again......I live alone adn that is "ok" if that is the best thing for me
I think, finally, now I could hold up my end of a healthy relationship, but it has taken a lot of work to get to this point
I am not where I want to be, but I am a heck of a lot better than where I used to be.....NOW I can be an equal in a healthy relationship, be it friend, sponsor , or family or even a boyfriend if that is in my life chart....
Take care and BE CAREFUL....abuse survivors are volatile....He has already attacked you verbally and has gotten pretty bad...just be careful.....work your program and detach detach detach....He will either reach out for help or stay the same..and if he stays the same , and you really want to get better, I don't see it lasting...You will eventually want a safer relationship...
Sooo sad for him, but he has choice like I did...I wanted help...reached out for it and worked it hard....
Take care.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema - thank you so much for your story. It means a great deal to me. I'm very sorry for him and his childhood. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to witness the violence and death that he did. But I can't make his story part of mine anymore. It's time to detach.
Even though things have been so bad (I've been having panic attacks when he's not yelling at me) I've had some amazing moments when I can look around at the world and thank my HP for the moment I am in and my life. Those moments have given me some hope and led me back to Al-Anon.
I'm not going to be able to get to an in-person meeting till tomorrow night. When I return home from work-travel I'm going to re-join the meeting I used to go to near my office. And I need to save myself and work the program one day at a time.
What he is afraid of is everything and he doesn't know it and could be afraid of that also. All encompassing fear is the taproot of insanity. It seems here is there now however if he takes the opportunity to write that question down and then also takes the time to go after the answers honestly they will release him and his victims. How do I know? Been there, done that and then did the inventory. I angered, raged and violated...mentally, verbally, physically and emotionally and nothing changed...I stayed fearful and got crazier. Stay with your recovery. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
