The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Whatever you want to say to him, you can always say to yourself. Writing it out might help it stick for you. Just don't mail it. It's between you and your HP.
Example:
Dear Blah-blah-blah: I'd love to pull you down from your pedestal above me and what would that gain me? Why did I put you on that pedestal in the first place? I'd love to get the last word in and what would that prove? Hmmmmmmmmmm. Why do I always need the last word? I'd love to tell you what a................ I truly think you are. Oh............I do? I really think that about him? I didn't know that. Oooooooooh. I see a little.............in me. I feel _____________ about that.
Is there a step that might help me? A slogan to read?
Or something on that order. Just a suggestion. It helps me. Don't know if it will help you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 11:06:01 AM
The pseudo-ex and I texted this morning. I needed his legal advice on something that was bothering me and asked. I told him that I didn't want to talk about anything personal - I just needed his legal opinion on a matter.
Since he is the master of self control he was - cool, calm and collected (as much as you can convey in a text). He told me that he would be at his "old place"(he used to live less than a mile from me, has since moved I am assuming - thankfully!) for a few hours, but would leave my things on the table. I simply told him I didn't want to talk about it and I don't want the things. He complied.
Admittedly I turned a little snarky and told him the above (not everyone could be cool, calm and collected) when he told me I was overreacting. He responded, implying I was being paranoid. I so badly want to respond back with something refuting it and even collecting closure, but I won't. I already thanked him once for his input. I have this absolute ITCH to retain the last word, to come out smelling like roses.
I will not text back. I will retain the dignity I completely lost last week.
I get on here and I read the posts, yours included and I am thinking "that used to be me" I see too much thought on HIM and nothing on what you are doing for you
I was the same way ...B4 I got a sponsor, worked the steps w/her guidance, and showed up at meets 1x per day minimum for first 3 months or so, and also more if I could, I got into , through the steps , family of origin study to self discover me and I figured out the why's and how's I got this way and why I did stuff....And I, too figured out why when something w/someone is over, why do I keep it "going"????
Only meetings and sponsor work with the steps or working steps w/trusted recovery mate and also practicing the slogans , reading the literature helped me get OFF concentrating on others and get me back focusing on me......It is a daily struggle, but I can maintain day to day basis working my program...
I urge you to get into meetings, work the steps, slogans, reading literature so you can think about yourself and what U can do to take care of you.....if a relationship is over it is over....I would never contact someone I split w/ unless it is X husband and hes late on my child support, or other issue, and even then, I wold probably talk w/my lawyer or his.....what I am saying is, I wold go to some other source for legal "esh" rather than keep this going on......
Getting and staying busy w/the meetings and steps and slogans, hopefully w/a good sponsor keeps the focus on ME...where it belongs........JUST saying....please take what u can use and leave the rest...
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too want to share when I do the next right thing. I also let go and didn't respond back to get the last word in. To try and explain or even say I'm sorry. I got help doing this with wisdom from a old timer in Al-anon. I feel so much better not responding than when I did. I am gaining wisdom every single day and it makes me proud and happy.
I'm letting go and taking care of me....
Good job!
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Meaning, keep the focus on me. It's very difficult since we've never "not talked"; and have been best friends for years.
However, I have to believe that this rawness, this pain I feel oozing out of me - that if I ALLOW MYSELF to feel it and not push it away, that I will get to the other side.
Very much what everybody else said. I too was a last word woman, can still fall into the trap when the surging urging hits me to make sure someone knows what i think. i write out every darn thing i want to say in an angry letter (burned at the alter of my higher power)to get all the infection out then go somewhere where i can holler or any kind of physical release to finish pushing out all the toxic junk in my head. Beating the pillow works too. There's just something about doing as opposed to thinking that helps rid me of the dysfunctional urge to act out again with a text, email, phone call, voice action etc. Then i turn the other person over to the care of the God of their understanding for healing and love, praying they receive everything that I hope for myself. What a mountain you have climbed to be able to let it go!
I know this is gonna sound off the wall, and yes, FEEL the feelings yes, agree....HOWEVER
When I am having it tough..bummed out of late, finances, family stuff, just LIFE, and too many negative experiences, seemingly....
I get on these boards and I read other people's posts....I read to reach out...and I make myself , yes, work on me, of course, but part of program is the 12th step, reaching out to others, and answering THEIR posts., not just me me me, but ME TOO....and ME TOO, means taking care of me, but also reaching out and loving others...Giving what I can......AND by doing that I see that I am not so alone in my BS lessons that are not so pleasant....
I notice when I am giving to another, via ESH or sending peace and goodwill energy , It is a "detachment" by default and A lot of times, just setting my stuff aside for a few moments, and helping others, giving ESH and encouragment, a lot of times, that good karma I made comes back to me in the form of a relief, deliverance, or an answer on what to do to solve MY stuff......and it makes feeling those ugly feelings that I must do in working my program/steps a bit lighter
JUST thinking out loud.......TAke what works and leave the rest.....one of my old sponsors told me this...and it does seem to work....yea, we are to take care of ourselves, but this program has given me sooo much b/c I am a "cheerful giver" as I am a "grateful receiver" JUST saying
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am "hopping" my boards to give some ESH and get out of my "stuckness" in this latest dilemma and then I'll go back to meditating, giving it over....steps 1,2,3,...
It was just a suggestion that I find works for me....its like when I am surfing and Esh'ing, I am focused and by default taking a break from my miseries of lack of income..
Hope this made sense.....its coming up on lunch time and I ate at 8am......
Hope you feel better.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Neshema- you ABSOLUTELY make sense and I am so sorry you are going through your own hard time now.
I actually have to confess that I did send the text I didn't want to send. I actually feel lighter now that I did it instead of agonizing over it.
I simply said: I have no desire to be snarky or mad at you in any capacity. I appreciate you responding to me given our present circumstances.
He replied, but I deleted it without reading - I just couldn't bear to read it.
I then responded back and told him that I was sorry, but I had to delete his message without reading it. I couldn't correspond any longer and thank you for respecting that.
Now I have to let it go.
That was my boundary.
I needed him to know.
I'm going to let it go.
Release it to the Universe.
