The material presented
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My boyfriend has been sober for 5 months now and is really improving thos time. He doin good. He goin to a group session and one on one once a week. He seeing his doctor regularly and being treated for his depression. He doing all he can and is really trying. My problem is i expecting too much from him and getting frustrated he not moving quicker. He is still very emotionally "drunk". I am going through a tough time with delayed grief for my parents and brother who died a couple years back and he not helping me at all. I feel he just brushing my feelings aside. I guess i just afraid this is not coz of his drinking or early recovery and no matter how sober he gets he will never be able to meet my emotional needs. What are others experiences of early recovery?
The best way for me to cope with another's recovery was to get a recovery program of my own. Your boyfriend has his and you definitely need your own.
I would encourage you to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Attend at least six as close together as possible so you can get a good feel for it and decide if it's for you or not.
I kind of think of AA and Al-Anon as life preservers. They're only big enough in a relationship for one person to hold on to. If you both try to use the same life-preserver, you'll sink. If you try to grab on to the person who has the life preserver, you'll sink. You need your own.
Your boyfriend has grabbed his life preserver. Now you need to grab ahold of your own.
Lorraine, he may never be able to meet your emotional needs whether he is in recovery or not. You may to seek other people to understand and console you because many men just do not do that well. Men, as a general rule, just do not like to talk about feelings and he may not have the slightest idea or tools to help you with grieving. Maybe you should seek out a grief counselor or someone who is knowledgeable to help you right now as he is still kind of early in recovery.
I am echoing Aloha's post. Focus on your recovery, go to daily meetings if need be. He needs to be immersed in his recovery and so do you....it is common for us to feel as you do when our loved ones work their program. Keep coming back!
To answer your question, your thoughts and feelings are common with a loved one in early recovery. He may or may not be able to meet your needs, but him being in early recovery, it's too soon to know... Both of you working a strong program would allow for the greatest opportunity. Having your own program will empower you to make positive changes so that you can enjoy life, regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
The disease affects every one with whom is in contact and is much too much for most of us to handle alone. Please attend face to face Alanon meetings, get a sponsor and start working the steps. Read all you can about the disease, use the search function on the MIP message board. Toby Rice Drew's book, "Getting them Sober", is very informative.
Thanks guys. I realised that i not being on my own programme. I go to aa myself but have not been gettin as many meetings the last few weeks as i usually would. I now know i need to address this. Al anon is tough for me coz only one a week in my area. I also feel uncomfortable going coz i be with a lot of spouses and siblings of my aa friends. I need get back to aa and focus more on me again. I also know if i speak about my grief in meetings the support i will get will be endless. Thanks
Lorraine...my 1st cousins name. Her 2nd husband was my alcoholic sponsor and she and I were born and raised in the disease. He's dead and shes now in her 80ies and early on share some Al-Anon with my current wife and I. She liked it and didn't become a member. I am a "double" a member of both programs and grateful to God for both. I was in Al-Anon 9 years alcohol free before I attended an AA meeting for real for me. My early recovery in Al-Anon was also for me and earlier still it was for my alcoholic/addict wife and it didn't work out. There was so much I didn't know and didn't understand about alcoholism and I was just full of myself. I was the one that told my Alcoholic/addict wife that I didn't think she was an alcoholic and every alcoholic wants to hear that and so she went back out on another 5 year run and everything left in our life or that would have come was gone. I didn't understand.
What has already been shared with you is pure gold...Al-Anon Gold. This program works when you work it...just like the AA program. In reading your post as a recovering member of AA my experience tells me that if that was me I would be having some resentments and resentments truthfully are what will kill us; driving us back to the bottle to drink against them or whatever. I hear resentment in your post. That would drive me to my sponsor and sponsor wasn't available another trusted fellowship member I could lay it out in front of. I believe that my sobriety and serenity and peace of mind is God given. I'm not in the position today to again with or without intention to 1. Put my relationship with God in jeapordy and 2. do the same thing to my life. There is nothing and nobody so important to me who has the power to get me to throw it all away unless I get it permission and then participate. I rather participate in the suggestions you have been given here. One meeting a week after years of experiencing recovery with meetings multiple times a week would leave me wanting and then the "courage to change the things I can" would urge me to fill the hole...start another meeting; for me and for others. There a meetings on line here at MIP and there is this board with the ability to PM individuals for support. You need help and that also is what MIP does with both programs available.
I gave my alcoholic/addict wife my resentments and responsibility for my dysfunctional thoughts and feelings. I blamed her and held her resonsible for things she had nothing to do with. She would never have the strength to handle her disease and mine at the same time and then I told her she didn't have the disease at all and we were done.
After a period of time spent in a daily increasing amout of insanity my Higher Power led me back into Al-Anon and then AA.
I hope your impatience (which you cannot hide because body language is the greatest part of communication and often it isn't so much what we say but how we say it that causes negative outcomes) can be worked on in either program and maybe by fixing you he will have greater margin to work his recovery and maybe be successful. You already know that unless completely arrested by total abstinence our outcome often is fatal. I do not wish that for any alcoholic drinking or not. I watched my alcoholic sponsor die. I got to hug him as he followed end choices...continuing to drink when he knew it was ending his life...he already had a date. He was proud of me finding sobriety while he never told me he had tried it himself and quit. He tried to teach me how to drink and it almost killed me and then did kill him.
Al-Anon is for family, friends and associates of alcoholics who have a problem with those someone elses drinking. AA is for people who have problems with their own drinking and wish to quit entirely. My alcoholic wasn't the qualified person to lean on with my problems and yours isn't either. Most of us drank because of stress. Become a double...mind your own program (business). You have support. Both programs works when you work them. I've been a double for 25 years. I'm in support. Keep coming back. I'm sad with you about the losses you have had in life. I've handled mine with a great sponsor and a greater Higher Power. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 02:19:17 AM
Firstly, I want to offer my condolences concerning the deaths of your family members. I'm in the grief process myself and it's been full of ups and downs. I doubt my recovering abf could have been there for me at 5 months sober in fact I know he could not have. I met him when he was 3 months sober and he was very much on edge and impatient with how he was feeling. Especially times when he thought about drinking and knew he couldn't. He'll be sober 2 years soon if it's in his hp's plan. When he was just months sober, he didn't like his aa meetings but he went to them. His finger was mostly pointed outward but he knew he would die if he began drinking again. He's gone through a few sponsors and he's made a few amends to people on his 8th step list. He now has found his place in aa and likes the program and his meetings and people in it. He's thriving rather than fumbling his way through.
To be honest, Lorraine, I know that even at a year or more sober, he could not fill the hole I felt when my mother died. In the first few months of my grief, my feelings were so raw and my expectations of him were so high I doubt anyone could have met my needs. Meanwhile, my hp was standing by waiting for me to ask for help. My emotions were all over the map much the way my bf's were in early sobriety. I found a grief group and I've found people in alanon who understand my loss. Even though they understand, this still feels like a lonely journey and I imagine it will for some time. My bf cares but he can't lessen my grief any more than I can keep him sober. These are things we each just need to go through. I have good days and not so good days in this process of grieving but I do feel myself reaching more of a place of acceptance. I hope you find peace through your grief process. If you can, be patient with your recovering abf, he's getting use to feeling all his feelings without alcohol to numb them. My bf use to get overwhelmed in the beginning from all the feelings that would rise to the surface and how to deal with them but with time and experience and his hp he learned to take a breath and deal with it. I know you're hurting. As I type this to you, I see things I might try a little more in my own grief. I hope something here is of help to you too.
Your recovering abf is probably doing all he can to keep sober each day and it may be all he can think about right now until he begins feeling more balanced. Hugs have helped me more than words sometimes so I ask for them often now and I give them too. (((((Lorraine)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
(((lorraine))) There are some old timers in MIP that work both programs and may be able to share better support. I can identify many times when it is hard to put my recovery above my fears. I used to fear judgment when I attended open AA meetings for the same reasons that you aren't yet comfortable with the Alanon f2f meetings.... but, I have gained so much from open AA meetings... and, I learned that I was very wrong about being judged. The AA group was surprised but very welcoming. There are people who attend my f2f Alanon meetings who work both programs - everyone who attends is there for the same reason and is welcomed. MIP has two daily meetings online, as well. I'm glad that you're reaching out especially when you're feeling so overwhelmed.
I know a few of the attendees at my meetings that are dual members. And I know some of them know my hubby. But that should not stop the honesty that is in the room. That is walking on eggshells again. There is a way to be respectful and polite without losing honesty. Practice detachment and go to the meetings. Work the AlAnon program when you are in that room..... and work the AA program when you are in that room. They are two different programs even though they use the same steps. Read the books. They will be a great help to you in dealing with your life right now and your relationships in the future.
Thanks guys. I can see now that i looking to him to fill a hole that been left in my life by the deaths and blaiming him for my feeling so bad. "If he was more supportive this wouldnt be quite so bad" im again looking outside myself for a solution when i know im the only one who can make me feel better. Its just so hard because all my life i got a "quick fix" from the bottle and ive taken thatcrutch away i cant deal with emotions any more than he can. I know that given time he will be a great support coz he can be so sweet and caring. I need to stop expecting everything, including him to be perfect. A great saying i heard in rehab "accept things as they are, not as i would like them to be"
I was going to write a response but then saw you had already reached the conclusion above. Great work!. It's not really about his recovery. It's about yours.
P.S. - 5 months is still pretty early on and there are no guarantees how or when he will grow and change. He could grow to be less compatible with you. It's the will of his HP not you. Best to detach, let go, and deal with what is. Focus on getting yourself healthy. Whatever you think you absolutely have to have from him, work on getting that from your HP and from yourself then whatever does come from him will just be a bonus I guess.
Thanks guys. Just came from an aa meeting that i sobbed my way through and was totally honest about how lost i felt and as i predicted i got lots of support from people i didnt even know. Feel a little better. I know it a long road but i not alone and i taken a step in the right direction.
