The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It sound like you're doing lots of great things to take care of yourself. Thoughts of the past are going to come flooding back. When we go to a 12 step meeting we thing about things that were said and how it relates to us after we've left the meeting. When we talk things out in therapy, we think about those things after we leave therapy too. It's just working through feelings. You probably had some good times with your exbf but you also paid a very high price for them. Maybe you have times you remember the abuse too. Abuse that you didn't deserve because no one has a right to physically harm anyone else. You've said you're enjoying your time without him in your life. Maybe you're even surrounding yourself with lots of loving friends these days and being extra kind to yourself. Time you spend thinking about him is time you take away from you. In my humble opinion, he's already taken too much from you. I hope you find a way with the help of your hp not to give anymore of yourself away to him even if it's just in thoughts. When I'm trying to work through confused feelings about someone I'm no longer with, I usually make a list with two columns and list what I miss about them and what I don't. It's been a useful tool for me. Hugs! TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 9th of September 2013 08:20:13 PM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Its been hard letting go of my alcoholic bf that had been abusive-in all ways toward me.Hhe is now in jail for physically abusing me. He has plead not guilty to the charge and trial is set for Dec 16-18/13. I had been praying for him and asking for god's will to be done in his life. I am enjoying the single life and for that I am so grateful. Today, I am alive, and free of the crazyness of the bf abuse and active alcoholism. I thank god for saving my life for this insane man that was out to kill me. I however, stuggle with thoughts of him and the good times we had. I still have feelings for him but I have to stop them and remind myself of how bad things really were... lies, affair, deceat, manipulation, and the abuse and how afraid I was daily for my life. I am loving the peacefulness of living alone, the freedom to come and go as I wish and the opportunity to start new again. I still am fearful of men and anyone drinking around me. I try and keep the focus on myself but other days its a challenge as it wonders back to the ex, and how he is doing in jail and how he is suffering. It hurts me. I know i did not make him hit me, nor take his rage out on me, but somehow I still fee responsible. I need to work on that.
I am working hard on letting go...and I have been praying to creator to help me to let go...its a process. How does one let go? I am still struggling with that. Any ideas on how to let go would help...I am as well seeing a therapist, attending AA, woman's group and on weekends for support, reading here and books on recovery.
Don't be concerned about letting go..that will come in its own time. Bettina summed it up nicely. Keep coming back, say those prayers for you, and reach for your health and wholeness. (((hugs)))
Just wanted to say hi and good for you. Keep coming back. You deserve being with folks who aren't going to hurt you. It's good that you are surrounding your self with positive influences and the peace of being in your own home with no unpleasant surprises coming at you from his hand.
You've made so much progress in working your program. Once again - let me say - good for you. (((J)))
(((joker))))
I am in the same moment, struggling to let go, dealing with feelings of guilt .... I don't have much of experience or wisdom to offer you right now...just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I too let myself abuse verbally, mentally, ...finally physically...and it feels like kind of madness to end up feeling guilty.
I too miss the good times, and it's hard to detach, for that person has not always been bad and abusive all the time. He has been nice and caring also at times. but they have never been stable moment. I am currently accused of having been depressed and lonely in his view, and tearing him down with me. In my view he has been tearing me down with him, for he got lost in his feelings of anxiety, anger , fear , that he couldn't handle by himself. There are always two sides of the story. and part of his is probably also true. there is only one little detail that makes a difference. I am working a program for some time now, and my awareness of facts and reality is big. He is not working a program, nor is he abstaining from alcohol. so there are little demons that make him deny what's going on. It is very obvious right now.
I am trying to keep awareness very real, and trying to keep the focus on me and my work.... and try not to re-act anymore. I am sad for what we have lost...but that's part of mourning process I guess. I miss him, and that's ok. But I have tried, and it didn't work. I wish, but I have no control here.
keep coming back...Big hug to you, you are where you need to be. Lets be gentle with ourselves.
in support
((((Joker))))...If no abuser has ever offered you an apology for what was done to you or an amends let me do it. I am sorry for what you have had to go thru. It should have never happened and it was wrong. It was wrong when I did it and I had to come to understand the mental, emotional and physical pain I inflicted on others with my uncontrolled fear, anger and rage. I am so sorry. I pray you arrive at a place and time where and when you can feel safe again. You did not deserve at all. There is no justification for violence against women. There is no justification for violence at all. (((hugs)))
