I Kind of had to put a end to it - Al-Anon Family Group

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

I Kind of had to put a end to it

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Morning

I truly thought I could have a relationship with my son but I'm realizing it's not easy if he's still drinking. I went early this morning and left his things ( paperwork ) he needed to his old place and left it on the porch. I didn't want to see him. He has been calling now that he has a charger I gave him and finally left a message. He was clearly drunk.

I emailed him asking him to please keep the boundaries I want and that is to not call me if he's been drinking ( he always says he isn't ) but I do know the difference in his voice. I told him I loved him and will respect his boundaries and his way of life but please respect mine now. I also said one more thing to him that I promised I would never mention again.... Please don't drink and drive because you will go to prison or death...I also said trust me. Last and only advice I will give you ever again.

I don't want him to think I'm giving up on him....but I'm giving up until something changes. He will either understand it or he won't. What am I going to do.

I have tried and tried to give him some happiness but he is still drinking because of so much pain and misery he has inside. I can't change it....no matter how hard I try and hurt and worried and feared and wished..I can't change it. I'm asking my HP to take this defect from me and show me the right path to take. I asked HP to take care of my son.

I will keep practicing and practicing because that is what I need to do. I will slip up but I will move forward.

(((( hugs ))))

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy)))

I'm not the mother of an A but I wish my A had a mother with your kind of strength and understanding. She's enabled him like crazy for his entire life, calling him her "poor darling", saying that he "needs to drink for his nerves" and taking him to doctors for a series of imaginary complaints- anything but "alcoholism". She even hires lawyers and has him in court suing people over injuries he has suffered during drunken fights!

I think you're doing a fantastic job and he's lucky to have you.

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

Cathy you've done all you can do, now the rest is up to him.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can't change it....no matter how hard I try and hurt and worried and feared and wished..I can't change it. I'm asking my HP to take this defect from me and show me the right path to take. I asked HP to take care of my son.

I will keep practicing and practicing because that is what I need to do. I will slip up but I will move forward.

*************************

that is right and we have to say over and over.......I CANT CHANGE IT..........I CANT CHANGE IT...........that helps us turnover , take our hands off, realize that it was never "our call' or in our control.....it makes it more sensible and palatable to LET IT GO

Hard but necessary..............IN SUPPORT ((((Cathy)))))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Cathy))))

When I read your post, the saying that love is a series of deaths and rebirths came to mind. Sometimes an end feels certain only to be surprised with a renewal. For me, the thought is comforting and removes extra pressures.

Please be gentle with you and keep on keeping on. You are doing what you can. Gift yourself with something that makes you feel happy, content, serene... a walk in the park, a bubble bath, etc.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, cant cure it- all we can do is take care of ourselves and do our best to act from a place of love (that includes firm boundaries). He may not have the capacity right now to respect your boundaries, as you deserve; it may be helpful to take action with what will work for you when your boundaries are violated without expectations from his behavior.

His happiness and journey is ultimately between him and his HP. Sending prayers for wisdom, peace, and serenity.

In support.

Rose50 · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))

Stay strong. You had the courage to tell your son that you will no longer enable him and now it's up to him to make any changes.

I will continue to pray that he finally hits his bottom. There is nothing more you can do. Remember - you are not alone.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, you are a strong mama. Blessings and prayers to you and your son.

debhud · Veteran Member

cathy, as you know i am going through some very similar things with my son. it is so hard for a mom to remember that 1. they are adults 2. they can choose to live life the way they wish.

our sons are killing themselves and there is absolutely nothing we can do to change that. nothing! it is so frustrating for us moms. we just love them so much and would give our right arm for them to be healthy and happy.

i totally understand that you can't see him right now. i am in the same place. ( we're just trying to take care of ourselves.) it doesn't mean we have given up on them. just that we might be a little closer to finally understanding we CAN NOT CHANGE THEM. keep doing what you are doing hon. keep the focus on you. on your life. on what makes you happy. let God focus on your son.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hon he is drinking becuz he is A. Has nothing to do with any pain inside. If that were so I would be drunk every moment of my life lately.

You just keep progressing all the time lady!

hugs,deb

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy, your actions have been done with calmness and loveyour son will come to respect this.

When I cut my son loose (after a lot of Alanon work and support) I said what I meant, meant what I said and said it with love. I explained to him for a Mother to watch her child destroy himself was beyond what I could cope with and I was no longer willing to watch or participate. He was sober when I spoke with him, he accepted and understood the boundaries I put in place and we both cried. He was an active A, not willing to change, and I wanted, needed the madness to end. Although I did not allow him physically into my life I was able to maintain a loving relationship with him. We agreed I would make a regular Friday phone call, same time every Friday. If he didn't answer I didn't worry just left a message saying I would phone him the following week, then I let it go. If he answered we would have a chat but chats with a drunk are pretty one sided, I accepted this and phoned anyway.I could hang up any time I wantedsometimes after 5 secs! I kept this contact for me, for my serenity..it was my choice and a choice I could cope with regardless of the outcome for me.

Love & support

Ness xx

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