The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am very new to Al anon. I have yet to attend a meeting. My sister in law has attended a few and has been a blessing through this all. I am struggling with how far to let this go before I decide its necessary to leave. I have 3 beautiful daughters, 11,6, and 1. The older two are from a previous relationship. I swore I would never allow an addict to manipulate me ever again. Here I am wondering how I let this happen. I have tried to read some material to help with the struggles. I admit I struggle and catch myself all the time making the wrong choice when dealing with situations. Last night he was drunk and made our dog yelp, I had to step in. He drank himself stupid yesterday and I carried on with my girls and the dog, baths, chores, mealtimes and bedtime. I was so impressed with myself I couldn't wait to hit my pillow thinking "I can do this". I dislike that he has been unfaithful and I dislike that there has been no intimacy...last on the list you would think. He woke me up around midnight by putting his hands all over me then rose and called me a whack job and went to sleep on the couch. He got up for work this morning and kissed me on the cheek and said "Have a good day". I am speechless. I said and did nothing to initiate that type of behaviour. The alcohol has just taken him so far away, I fear I may never have my friend back. Its almost as if I grieve for him, but he is right there. This type of behaviour always ends up with the reply "I'm sorry I don't remember".
Making the dog yelp when he's drunk- Check.
Feeling encouraged and proud of myself and then feeling confused and hurt when he suddenly decides to display some drunken intimacy and then rejects me for no reason and goes to sleep in another room? Check.
Shaking my head in bewilderment when he behaves like everything is peachy the next morning? Check.
I'm pretty new here so I don't have much I can offer you other than- attend the online meetings and stick around. I've been finding so much help here and I know you will too.
Thanks Melly
I need to do this for me. I want to take care of me and raise my daughters to take care of themselves. I want them to love themselves and have peace in their homes and relationships. I had hoped to go back to church yesterday morning. I ran myself completely empty on fuel in the car on the way home from work Friday. I had no money and had to find the "right" moment to approach him to ask for some money for food and fuel. I struggle to pay the bills, buy diapers and food and almost have to plead for assistance from someone who spends more money on beer then I do on childcare for our 1 year old. I know I need to just bear down and find an intelligent way to get my hutspa back. I have travelled the path of recovery once before and completely absorbed myself in teaching Sunday school, taking my girls to dance,( teaching Zumba to pay for their dance) buying a home as a single mom, buying a new car.. no support completely on my own.....I let it all go...slowly bit by bit..I stopped caring enough for myself. It no longer matters how I let it happen, it only matters what is it that I need to do today to put myself back on the right path...bit by bit...day by day...baby steps.
I stopped going to church because I was embarrassed I got pregnant. I was ashamed I was carrying a child by another man who was an alcoholic. I felt stupid. I love that little baby I carried from the moment I knew she was there. I feel guilty once again about not giving her the father she deserves. My heart aches thinking of being back in my home with my 2 older daughters and knowing how well we were doing. I feel horrible that my mind wanders back to those days...I cant imagine life without the 1 year old. I also have moments where I remind myself she is a gift. Count my blessings, I have beautiful children, a loving and kind mother, and many caring wonderful friends. I will not and can not let this disease rip away all that is good.
I used to hand my paycheck over to my x when married. I stopped doing that. I'd put myself in a position where I'd have to almost beg for money when I had earned it myself. I'd look into ways to separate myself financially from him. I don't know whose names are on which bills. That isn't my business. But, if it were me I'd stopped handing over my paycheck if that's what you're doing, set up my own bank account, pay only the bills in my name and take my name off whatever bills I can do that both morally(ethically) and reasonably. Al-Anon face to face meetings will help you get your mojo back. We have on-line meetings, too, here. Welcome to MIP. Keep coming back.
When I first came into Alanon one of the most comforting things someone said to me was "You don't have to make a decision about your relationship today."
I can't tell you what a relief I felt.
Going to meetings can be scary, but it was LIFE SAVING for me.
It didn't help me to control the behavior of the A in my life, but it did give me the tools necessary to be able to better respond to him and his behavior in ways that protected myself.
I've been out of the rooms for over a year and am just coming back around and can already feel the comfort it brings me.
hugs...what you wrote about the fear of losing your friend really resonated with me, I see the man I loved becoming less and less, and lower and lower, detaching with love or tough love is the hardest thing i have ever had to do....
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
this take one day at a time thing... really works.
Keeps from that overwhelming panic taking over....
keep coming back !...these are awesomecaring ppl ....
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I found out that he really didn't remember. But he was really scared that I just might be right...... no, she can't be right. So he either got angry or retreated and got silent with a smirk.
