The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi-I just got some great advice from my sponsor. Dont take lying personally. My A spouse lied to me on our vacation but I just discovered it yesterday. In the past when she lied I felt like my world was ending. How could she do this to me???? I am on the honest end of the spectrum. I make a point of it. It seems so simple to tell the truth. For my spouse it is a way of life since childhood. I never saw it for years or did and didn't want to or just felt it was a little white lie. But the last 7-8 years were different. Drinking came with lying and sneaking around. I felt like she stabbed me in the heart. Well, her lie does pass across my brain once in awhile, in all honesty, but I am not destroyed at all. My sponsor's advice is good but it's taken months of work to reach this point. Spouse lies and I don't. It doesn't have to kill me. She is sick and I got sick too. I can stay on track. All this help is.....helping! Lyne
Love it! Thanks for sharing your E/S/H, Lyne. It doesn't have to kill me. She is sick and I got sick, too. I can stay on track. Most especially enjoyed those three sentences.
Hi,
That is such an important thing to learn and so hard....and so counter-intuitive. But if you want to have a relationship with someone with this disease you have to let it go. My hubby lied a lot. I didn't know it at the time but I look back at it and remember all the "little white lies" and then the bigger ones. He was a blackout drunk and I have to believe that he really doesn't remember a lot of it. I don't know if that is true or not, but it helps me to think it. And then I remember the many times he sent flowers to me at school. I was always embarrassed because I never wanted any spotlights shining on me. I know the flowers were because of something he had to lie about..... each time.
So don't take it personally. They do it for their own reasons. They don't have logic as we know it. They just do what they do.
One thing I don't do anymore is bring up the fact my son is lying. I let it be. I want to so bad but I know now it won't do any good for either of us. Just arguments and hurt for both of us. It can be frustrating for me so I pray to God to help me let it go.
Thank you Lyne....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yessss...this is a keeper Lyne hugs to you for bringing it here and hugs to your sponsor for giving it away to you. Lying...a fear of the consequences of telling the truth..often deserves empathy and compassion rather than that "Al-Anon handshake"; you know the one with the index finger pointing out at the other person and the hand wagging up and down furiously. I don't have to take it personally. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
The wisdom that I achieved from my alanon meetings and from listening to other members was a true gift and took time to acquire and accept within my heart. These simple truths talk easy but walk hard. I know that early on my sponsor had me carry a "QTIP" with me to remind myself to Quit Taking It Personally.
Good for you Lyne~ this used to drive me crazy about my dry A and his son. But I used the slogans here How important is it? and live and let live? I figure if they want to lie it's between them and their higher power. Unless it is something that majorly affects me. I pick my battles with the lying. Being adult child of a A, I was unable to see my own lying to myself and my lying to others, until I started working my program. These behaviors are learned early and deeply ingrained and a lot of the time they are not personal, they are just feeling guilty, shaming themselves and protecting themselves as they always have.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Ty so Much for this .. don't take lying personal .. something in the way I opened the page and read ? lol the way you wrote it all in the wrist when typing ? So higher power .. I heard it this morning .. Disease of relationships; disease of Lies !!! why do I personalize the disease .. much to reflect on .. I wish I had more time but wanted to say .. ty for giving me a new perspective .. something to definitely think about !
Something that helped me (an old sponsor told me) was to envision the person speaking to me as having a flashing sign on their head (like a bar sign!! lol) that read: SICK and kept lighting up when they talked.
It helped me to frame it in the sense of the disease.
It didnt' mean it was acceptable behavior or that I had to put up with it. I have a choice how to take care of myself in those situations, but it helped me from feeling like I had anything to do with the reason why they were lying. I used to feel that is "he loved me more" he would tell me the truth. From my own experience, I know that when I was in my own self destructive disease, I lied to people I loved constantly, because I was very sick. It's not called a mental illness for anything!
