The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex partner & i broke up just before new year just gone as his behavior was at it's lowest point. Since then he left me 30+ letters in my letter box & wouldn't leave me alone. He sat outside my flat one day in the garden for 3 hours & a neighbor rang the police. After that i had to report him for harassment but i didn't want him arrested i just wanted him to be warned & stay away. He didn't listen to the police & carried on, the police said 1 more report and he is being locked up. I didn't make the report but then he so kindly robbed his mums next door neighbours house for beer money and was caught and sentenced to 4 years because of past convictions. Since he's been inside he's wrote me 3 letters, it finally got to me and i wrote him a not so nice letter back. He claimed to have had a life changing experience and begged me to just communicate with him. I sent the letter today & now i'm wondering if i'm just a sucker for these A's in my life. (My mum and my ex)...
I feel mixed emotions about him being in prison, and as i'm moving soon and i'll be putting on a redirection of my mail, i'm thinking writing can't do me any harm can it?
For me, it would be letting someone toxic rent space in my head when I don't have to. People claim change in jail and in rehab...As alanoners, I feel we often believe words without action and it comes at our own expense. Someone can get out of jail, get a job, act right, work a program of recovery and THEN be worthy of being in my life. Words without a significant period of changed behavior mean nothing.
So..again...for me, it would be my own desire to believe words without action and to believe I am important enough to be more powerful than that persons addiction that would have me lowering my boundaries and writing letters to someone in jail which I ordinarily would not do.
Writing can cause you harm, as you will once again be involved with an alcoholic....it does not matter that he is physically away from you, he can still cause you harm. Focus on your recovery and let him be.
Until he's out of prison and actually doing something that he can show for his life and that can take multiple years, the life changing experience is generally in their heads. No way to practice it too much in a prison where you're told every move to make. Often, folks in prison need money or want money. They'll say what they need to say to get it. Not much different than high school dating to me. Lots of prayers for you as you sort out which relationships you need to keep and which relationships you need to close the door on for your recovery interests. (((Q)))
I have to listen with my eyes not my ears and say show me my recovery to my HP. I concur 1000% with the esh you have revived ... I have to focus on me. I can see how trained I still am in terms of thinking and behavior when I come in contact with my stbax .. if he's renting space in my head I better get to a meeting, come here, or call my sponsor. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
i concur with everyone here. my sponsor's favorite saying was: dont listen to the words, watch the behavior. For me i needed to remember i can still make mistakes, and thats been my tune this week it seems like, to be kind to myself and not beat myself up when i do something potentially harmful to me. we can always change what we do next. it seems like i needed permission to say "i did something not good for me but i can choose to respond differently next time. i recently did this to myself. i just accept and remind myself just because he writes back, doesnt mean i have to answer.
The program is about changing me and a searching, fearless and moral inventory is what I have used to learn about me. Up until then I went almost totally by the reflections of my sponsor who use to ask me questions like "Why do/did you do that"? so that I could clearly see my reactions and responses to the world around me. I was not normal. I was not sane and I needed to know and know that I know. After I could answer his question he would ask me another question "Why did you do it that way"? The questions were reflections...I learned about the one person I had lived my whole life as and never knew anything about. When I found thoughts, feelings and behaviors which caused me trouble and that I needed the courage to change I look for and worked at alternative behaviors. One of the things I started doing when I split up with my alcoholic/addict was jogging. I would jog 3 miles one way and 3 miles back into her neighborhood. "Why did I do that"? to keep the connection as best I could. "Why did I do it that way"? because it looked as innocent and acceptable as I could make it. When I got honest and saw the picture for what it was I kept jogging and changed directions away from my ex'es location and into another area of town. I did it that way because it diverted my attention and purpose. I stopped "hanging on" doing the "what ifs", projecting into the future and becoming a fortune teller. I started living in the truth that I had made a mistake getting connected with her and marrying her also when I didn't even want to. Detachment became easier and more natural to work not only with my alcoholic/addict wife and also with situations, people, places and things that were not supportive of my peace of mind and serenity. There was no promise or dream that was or could be real in my relationship with an alcoholic/addict. As my sponsor taught me "If and when you find that you have made an error...go back and correct it or you'll carry it into the future and maybe forever".
my experience with this is that I have more than once rescued a guy who was either on his way to prison, in prison, or coming out of prison.
many of them claim the Bible has changed them. They can be very convincing and will mess with your brains if you let them.
and every time I got involved with them i was setting myself up to victimize myself.
i did not have the courage to stay 100% away and allow God to take over, WHATEVER that might look like for them. They were not my business. I needed to do my own work and see why I kept running back for more, and then find a Solution to that.
the 12 steps as outlined in AAs Big Book gave me that solution and broke the pattern.
And by the way, a job and an apartment don't mean anything.
I want to see solid recovery and the continued willingness to live a spiritual life as I do each day.
Oh boy, between you & me I can relate on this issue, I am not currently involved but have been involved. I will leave it at that because I am very ashamed to have been involved in that particular situation. Him not me.
