The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came across a quote yesterday. "Don't put a question mark where there should be a period. When something is over, move on"
Last night, I met up with some friends I havn't seen in a about a year. They were happy to see me, which I expected. But as the night would go on, I began to remember what it was that began to steer me in another direction. I always felt very left out.
There are certain things I want in my life that I felt they couldn't offer me and that I would not be able to find with them. Was it their fault? No. Was it mine? No. Just like many things in life it was timing and my pre-al anon ways. As I would begin to see a new perspective, I began to see this was a toxic situation. My reactions were not healthy, my hope was dead, I felt lost and alone. It was time to move on, without burning my bridges.
At the end of the night, when I got home, I felt so lonely. I cried. I began to get bad thoughts and began to think of what people's reactions would be if they suddenly found out I wasn't around any more. These thoughts were very detailed. I don't know if that's reason for concern.
The cry helped. I think that the fact this was the first time I'd seen them in awhile I thought the reaction would be far more hostile because I essentially, ditched them without ditching them. It wasn't though.
It's funny that ever since I began to expand my friend circle, I have been happy. But it still lingers in the back of my mind. Did I make the right choice? What am I doing?
I know change takes time. But this feels right. I havn't felt this 'worthy' in a long time. The prospect of meeting new people really gets me excited. The prospect of seeing them just deflates me because, I feel like it's watching a movie where I know what the outcome will be.
I pray that in the end I made the right decision and I find what I am looking for.
Hi, SJ. This is something for which I have no E/S/H. So, I'm just sending a note to let you know that I'm listening and trust you will receive clarity since you've asked HP for it with your prayers.
It sounds like being with these people triggers the kind of thoughts in you that are very down and uncomfortable. And you're looking at those thoughts and seeing them for what they are -- something you want to stay away from. While being with a new kind of person feels uplifting. If that's not a sign that you're heading in the right direction, I don't know what is.
I have a friend who produces very much those kinds of thoughts in me -- being left out, feeling worthless and despairing, etc. I used to think I should just be better and tough it out. Now I recognize that it's just not good for me. It's better to be with the people who support our feeling worthy and happy. Sounds like you know what kind of people those are.
Alanon teaches us that we have to let go of the behaviors of the alcoholic, but we find that the truth of the matter is some people behave like alcoholics in different ways, they don't have to be drunk. Some people and some circle of friends feed off dysfunction or maybe you have just outgrown it. Nothing wrong with friends we have just outgrown.
Growing up and maturing makes us realize that we just don't thrive with certain people. And there are those who never had a self reflective moment in their life. Your life is just operating under a different plane then theirs.
Its ok to let go of anything you feel is not helping you grow or is supportive. Whether you chose to see these friends or just put limits on it.
I've had to do this with my own Mother in my own life, I finally saw that I didnt thrive with her. I remember when I would visit her thru the years, I would eat and pick continuously the whole time I was there. From nervous reaction to her. Since she is my Mother she would never understand what I'm even talking about, Especially an Italian Mother born in Italy and with different cultural ways, so there were boundaries for my own preservation.
Im not of the belief that we can get rid of all the people in our life we don't feel comfortable with, otherwise we would not grow as people. As with our A's , we just have to apply the brakes and limit our time with them. Good post.
I'll come out and say the real issue. They make me feel insecure that I don't date regularly and havn't been with a woman since 2010. They don't 'say' that, but they are all either married, in relationships so that's all they talk about is their love lives. Sex, dating, past experiences. What they'd love to do. It's enough already.
I've met new friends through work and sports leagues, male and female, who although some are in relationships, it doesn't consume their lives. I don't feel they are questioning or judging me.
How is this related to my father's drinking? It's not really. I guess I feel that my pre al-anon years, were the years I should have been building these relationships and getting this experience. But I was always focused on fixing my family. Now it seems that I am ready and everyone is taken. I missed the boat.
Look, I know this is not the right forum to be complaining about this. Right now, I am just a confused and hurt young man who has always been able to fix and find a solution to something that I wanted changed. I can't for this.
I am not entitled to a woman's love, I must earn it. I just want to fit in and be loved. I want to experience that.
