The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a grateful member of Alanon and I wanted to share with you my love of this program and how it is helping me. I have been using my tools for 1 year and a half now and I have not always had a grip of my program through this time. I have slips and resort back to old ways like self pity, anger, martyrdom, resentment and immaturity but the main thing is I have awareness of all these character defects and I can forgive myself because I have been affected by alcoholism and these traits tend to be the result of that, although thats not to say its okay for me to behave badly it just means I must work to replace these with healthier, positive, less destructive traits.
Lately, I have slipped into old ways and I kept trying to force solutions, I became irratable and irrational and angry that my program was not helping me. However, I tried to let go of my will and tried to connect with my higher power and low and behold some of the answers I have been searching for come into my mind through different sources.
For me, this program offers so much but it comes at a cost like everything else. I must keep my mind open, connect with my higher power as often as I can and life is much clearer. The behaviours and attitude that gives me serenity are being calm, non emotional, don't react, don't be sensitive - let angry words wash over me. I don't always have to be right, its okay for black to be white if that is what someone else wants to believe.
Serenity is often elusive for me and although I can see it I can't always reach it, I get mixed up sometimes and think that serenity is only there for me when external factors are in place. Like, when my son starts behaving himself i will have serenity or when this or that happens then I will have serenity but of course it is not and never has been anything to do with anyone else. It comes from within and until I accept that over and over I will not have serenity.
Part of my character defects is obsession. I was obsessed about the behaviour of the alcoholic in my life, it then transferred to my son. This defect keep me from serenity and this program is helping me focus on me and I can take my eyes off the people in my life now but again this is never 'fixed' I must keep working on it for the rest of my life I imagine. I have faith that eventually it will much easier to be the person I want to be but right now at my stage of recovery I must practice every day because the old ways are never far away and i can quickly slip back into old patterns that are destructive for me. Thanks to this program I have a much better life but it must be worked at everyday.
Wonderful post, EL Cee! You have very eloquently stated exactly how this program can work for you, if you work it. I am pretty much at the same place - emotionally - as you are at this time. Being able to see the triggers for what they are and instead of "shooting then aiming" (as I did so much in the past), recognizing that I do not have to react and have choices on how to proceed. Like you, I have learned to accept other opinion of others (QTIP) and let angry words go by, without reaction. The presence of my HP is more dominate in my life then ever before. Obsessions as character defect - check! It's a daily reminder for myself to take it easy on myself, but I do not want to fall back into the old, familiar patterns that took away so much of enjoyment in my life.
Thanks again for a wonderful posting! Hope you have a wonderful weekend, my friend!
I see so much progress in your program from when I first met you on MIP. You have come so far in focusing on yourself rather than your son. Your shares have helped me a lot. Thanks, El-cee.
Thanks for the responses everyone . Its so important to share both sides of the street, Im stilll very much up and down, it is part of the progress. Its like learning any new thing in life we stop start stop start and thats probably the correct way for it.Cathy, I think you have done brilliantly, much better than me these last few months and I draw strength from you, just see this as a slip and forgive yourself. We are never ever going to be perfect. Just human with flaws.x
Mahalo El-cee. I feel that also. I no longer wish my family or origin was like the Family Groups. It is what it is and will continue to be what it is with one exception. I no longer want to carry the insanity of alcoholism into the generations next. The program, what it is, how it works and the affect it has on those who thought the only option in life was suffering and pain is beyond amazing. I continue to participate because I've been told and fully believe that I get to keep it when I give it away and there is hope for everyone who desires the peace of mind and serenity we have attained.
Keep coming back. It is awesome doing this thing with the MIP family. (((((hugs)))))
