The material presented
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Well, last Saturday I told myself that would be the last Saturday I would spend in tears because of A in denial's sarcastic tone and disrespectful treatment of me. I travel for work and was out this week, he was very sweet now I get back today and he is with his drinking crowd, ignored me all day and I am getting the silent treatment, which doesn't affect me nearly as badly as it used to. He will blame it on me, I have a coworker who used to be a friend, last year we had hit a total low in our relationship and he used it to his advantage to get rid of her in my life. So she was also at the work meetings I attended, I made the error of going to dinner with her and I did tell him, so now its his excuse to treat me like dog crap again. And I am sure will get drunk tonight but its ok because I went to eat with someone I am basically forbidden to see, and chose to not tell him.then when he probed I just told the truth. I would have told before but I knew this would have been the reaction. Have finally figured out no matter what it would be an excuse to be mad at me anyway and if it had not been this screwup on my part then it would have been something else.
Letting go of the outcome, I will just make some other plans. I want to try and find a local al anon meeting just so tired of this. Maybe while he is drinking away the weekend "because of me" I will use the time to try a meeting.
The silent treatment and drinking usually goes hand in hand with abusive text messages and drunken phone calls starting about 2 am....
Yup. It's all me. As usual. I will just accept this is the way it is and let go, I cannot see any other option
Ah yes. Fond memories of my former Ah. he behaved this way also. What i learned in alanon was what was my side of the street and what was his. i didnt cause his drinking, couldnt control his drinking but i could contribute to the problems and keep us both on the abusive merry go-round. i learned in Alanon to take care of myself and detach from the behavior of others particularly a drunk other. i was responsible for my behavior and no one elses. my first step of accepting i was powerless over people, places and things came with accepting responsibility for myself. This i try to do as much as possible. Some moments i succeed others i dont. i have been struggling myself this week. But today i know to listen to the winners in Alanon, take responsibility for my feelings and no one elses, and most of all work the steps anyway i can, with or without other people to help me do so.
Thank you for the encouragement to find a meeting, I am so fed up with this. Ok, yes I lied by omission, I went to dinner after an exhausting day with a person he hates. It was two tired beat down middle aged woman who made smalltalk. I have not had friends for over a year am so isolated. It's my fault for allowing it, I just didn't see it as clearly before I started detaching. I just gave this A money to pay his mortgage and I shouldn't have, he is meaner since. And I am so stupid for enabling him, just fall for the his daughter would be out on the street crap. Meanwhile I am struggling to pay my own bills this month and I am pretty damn sure he is drinking and its "my fault". I see more clearly what it is, its just hard to face my own reality. I hate this.
Aloha mm and good for you searching out our face to face groups. You will most likely get more heat from that also. The alcoholic doesn't like changes because they take being powerless of them also very personally. You won't go to them with the intention of pissing him off and just the opposite you need to be with us for the support, the ESH, and every other tool available to you.
In reading your post I was remined of the great amount of reacting I had to my alcoholic/addict wife and the tremendous amount of effort I put in with self protection, verification and defense of my spirit. Only one of the things I learned to do was slow down...way down and use seconds of time to not respond but to choose what kinds of outcomes I wanted. Those short periods of time allowed me to stop reacting and make responses I was okay with. I also learned that they kept my emotions from getting out of hand making me weak and then more of a victim in a fight I didn't even want to be at. Some one said at a meeting a few months ago when we were discussing somewhat of the same thing that "It is within that 3 seconds of time that we find God". I had to nod heartily to that because that was true for me also. In that pause I surrender and find my HP and choose a response more in line with HP's will. It's kind of like your own silent treatment done to keep and maintain your peace of mind and serenity. Don't care how my alcoholic/addict responded to it. Sometimes it pissed her off because I was abandoning old reactions that never worked and we habits she knew how to deal with to keep justifying her behavior. Good to have you here and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
i am with you there jerry. i am reminded how it felt to be in the throes of this abusive aspect of our disease and how many times i took on what the A was dishing out. i recognize i am doing it right now in my lonely little corner of the world because i have been so desperate to have a friend or two in alanon...havent had an alanon meeting to go to in years and years...tried to start one but where i lived before no one thought they needed alanon LOL! i moved to this new town so hopeful and then screwed it up by having expectations. i could realy relate to what you said mm about 2 middle aged women having dinner together. i used to have to justify wanting just one meal in peace with a friend. i think you have done a good thing finally standing up to the emotional abuse. if he only has a couple of months of sobriety you really cant expect much change in his behavior. we need to decide whether we will accept unacceptable behavior from others and to take on what others think of us. we have a right to be treated with love, respect and regard, we have a right to be treated kindly without our A controlling our every breath. what i dont have a right to is deciding who my needs will be met by or how. i had to learn to say enough is enough and when you have decided to change your behavior i'll be here. Well my AH decided he'd rather be abusive than have me and his son in his life. Sometimes alcoholics are able to work a program and sometimes they cant. its just the way it is. we have to learn we deserve to be treated like the precious children of hp that we are. We dont take on other peoples disease, we just do the best we can one day at a time in alanon.
Any excuse will do for alcoholics. It alleviates their guilt, sounds like you know how to cope with it though because if you buy into it they like that and it continues but if you detach with 'Im sorry you feel that way' or 'Is that the way you see it ?' then they must look at their own behaviour and they hate that because denial is the aim here. If there is any shouting or aggression then I try hard to say 'I will talk to you when you have calmed down' and walk away. Its like dealing with a teenager or child. You do have other options though, you can leave if you choose to. We are not forced to stay with these people we always have a get out the trick is letting go. Its our own mind that keeps us trapped not the alcoholic. Take care.
Alcoholics, always looking for fuel to keep the drinking going. No matter what we do or don't do, they will use it.
We have to gain the strength and wisdom and boundaries with a dose of detachment to live our lives the way we would live it, whether they are in the home or not.
Keep coming back to the board, and with an open mind and willingness to try the tools of Alanon, your life will be richer and much more manageable for YOU. We are powerless over the Alcoholics disease.
We have to do for ourselves what the alcoholic cannot do, not until they enter recovery and abstain. We never know when that will happen.
Meantime, keep coming back for yours,
Hugs, Bettina
One of the best pieces of advice I received was from an old timmer AA , who said please yourself honey then at least one of you will be happy . I never forgot that which helped me focus on my needs instead of waiting for my husb to be a part of my life again . Ah the silent treatment I remember it well , and I always made it worse by trying to please him and or trying to force him to talk . I was asked by a long time Al-Anon member if I had ever thought of enjoying the silence ? uh no that hadn't crossed my mind actually . She said think about it , he's not complaining or looking for an argument she suggested I just carry on and enjoy the silence , she also said that when I can do that the silence periods would n't last as long , she was right . so turn up the music and enjoy . Louise
The silent treatment is just another form of abuse. It's meant to punish us and keep us in line. It doesn't work when we don't accept it because we are not going to allow ourselves to let another human being - especially one who isn't in his right mind - decide how we are going to feel about ourselves and what we are going to do to help ourselves enjoy our days.
I used to work with a particular surgeon who was known for throwing trays, stomping his foot, yelling at the nurses and anybody else who came near his arrogant, little body. I found that visualizing him as an ant throwing a temper tantrum in a white coat with dress shirt, tie and dress pants broke his ability to intimidate me. Al-Anon will help you regain control of your own life again and he can stomp around or give you the silent treatment as much as he wants. It can't change your plans for you unless you agree.
