Melly, I wrote this before I read your last post, its not a response to that post about you throwing up and getting sick that was not my intention.

One thing I do know about abuse is that its generational, you have to think about your daughter , if she see's her Mother being abused, she will think of it as a natural course for a woman. 

Take Care of yourself.

-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 5th of September 2013 02:47:34 PM

Hi, Melly. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, too. I hid what I lived with for a long time. The most anybody knew about my life was that my marriage wasn't happy. Nobody could see the number of times he slugged me in the head while I was sleeping, or hid food from me, or tried to run me off a bridge in a car going 55 miles an hour "to get the truth" about my having an affair with a co-worker of his I had never, ever met, or even knew what he looked like or where he lived.

 I hid it because I believed I must have done something to bring on his abuse. I hid it because it is part of the abuse cycle. I hid it because I wasn't sure what I would do with two kids making less than $4.50 an hour. And - I hid it because I was afraid my Dad would kill him if he knew and I didn't want my Dad to suffer because I had chosen this man to marry-against my Dad's counsel (although he thought I shouldn't marry him because I was smarter than him and would get bored.) I had no idea how sick he was until after I married him. I even blamed myself for him being as sick as he was and for not seeing it before I married him as if my crystal ball would reveal the future. I didn't realize at the time that the embarrassment and shame should have been his - not mine.

Nobody can tell you what to do or not do in this situation. That is all up to you. I just hope that you know that what everyone posting is trying to say to you, Melly, is that you've won our hearts. You're part of our family. We care about you. Please take all the care and respect for the position you are in and the wisdom in if you can. It's real. It's true. We do love you and that love comes with no strings attached to it.  It is a free gift that I sense is being offered to you because you exist and you are real and we are glad you are part of our family.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 5th of September 2013 04:03:25 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 5th of September 2013 07:07:42 PM

I am inspired by you....

Melly it is all very simple honey, so far you are choosing to live with an insane person.There are no why this or why that, you never had his love, he is not a sane person. He is very, very sick. At some point he will kill you.

Remember his abusing you has nothing to do with Aism. NOTHING. He is an abuser period. Its  up to you to change things.

We always recommend, developing a way out. Have things packed, hide a couple car keys you get made. Stash some cash away.Have tablet or blank book, whatever and write down phone numbers of who to call. Write what to do,the steps.Have a leash water, dog food in your stuff too. have a place to go is number one. Stash your stuff at a neighbors, or wherever. Have a leash handy too.

I am going to say ok all this is true, so what makes you choose to not get away?NOTHING is going to change, it is going to get worse.

Melly this is very serious. I invite you to call the Dept. of Human Services and find the abuse hotline or a womens support group for domestic abuse before he kills you. 

Please keep coming. This horrible person is controlling you. YOU do not deserve this treatment, you deserve to be loved and in a safe home. Even if it is a little room for you and your dog!

I care very much! Debilyn pm me anytime... 

Get. The. Hell. Out.

I used to think that "nice guy" was the real him.
Unfortunately, the truth is somewhere in between, I believe. When he's being nice, he might feel some genuine love and enjoyment but I think he's also "buying credits" to use for when he feels like being nasty again. I can see it a bit better, these days. When he's "nice" he lays it on really thick, and he doesn't get angry about things that really, he has a right to; for example if I'm moaning or take advantage of the situation to remind him of his past offences (which I do, sometimes, although I shouldn't). He seems "almost too nice". It's a game.

He just came out to the lounge and stood with a filthy look on his face for a long time, staring at me. It was unnerving, I haven't said or done anything to upset him or to respond to his unfriendliness. Eventually, I asked him brightly "what's that new chocolate ice-cream like?" as he was eating a bowl of it whilst looking murderously at me. Well he couldn't contain his anger.

You see, I like to have a few drinks when I feel like them, but for a long time, I would buy beer, expect it to sit there waiting for me for one night when i felt like it, and get angry when he drank it all in one sitting. (I've tried not drinking at all, it made no difference, in fact he drank more!). So a while ago I bought a few cases of apple cider (he hates cider) and put them in the garage for when I fancied some. Last week he drank a case of them with a sincere promise to replace them "next pay". Look, he's going to drink regardless, I don't see any need to be a teetotaller to "encourage" him. It's not like it helps.

So yesterday, he brought home a case of beer and gave me half of it as "payment" and drank the rest. I took my half and put them in my wardrobe.
Just before, he snarled "so you didn't even drink your beers". Um, no? Is this some sort of offence? I couldn't have drunk 12 beers anyway, I'd be sick. And what was he doing snooping in my wardrobe?
"Well" he practically spat at me, " I bought a case thinking we would have the same amount and then I wouldn't end up having no beers whilst knowing that you have beers". He's really angry about this. Now I have beers (even though I'm not drinking them) and he has none and he's furious. "I wouldn't have even bought them if I didn't owe you, I didn't even plan to drink this week". How frightfully logical. I would have been quite happy with the money. Or nothing, whatever. I certainly didn't ask him to buy beer.

I got the beers out and gave them to him. I don't want this to be an all-night thing. He screamed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE MAKING IT WORSE!" and then "I don't owe you anything now you stupid idiot".
Damned if I do, damned if I don't, and I did nothing to create the situation anyway. He took something of mine, got angry about paying it back and now I am the worst person in the world. Surprise!! Around and around and around we go.

Melly,

I want to clarify my earlier response to you so it is not misinterpreted as enabling.  I am inspired by your strength, honesty and courage to share on this forum knowing that there may be people, like me, that want to stick my head through this computer and shout WAKE UP!!!!.  It does take great restraint on my part not to say what I am really wanting to say to you.  I actually have a sore inside my mouth after biting it from some of the posts I have read recently from other women on this board in abusive situations.  I may have to step back and not post, because it is just too darn hard to read them.....I wish you the very best for your life. 

You can have insight into an abuser, analize and waste your energies on knowing why he does what he does.
Even engage in his psycological games and try to out smart him, it won't change the fact that they are mentally sick and you will never outsmart a devious mind.

We on the board have experience with addicts and yes they can act crazy, yes alcohol and drugs can bring on psychotic behaviors, but when it goes beyond the threshold of our safety, you have to devise a safety plan like sweetr.

My 2nd husband, who I was married too for 8 years, before I married the A, was an occasional pot user, when we lost our son, he got into cocaine, which I was really not aware of till he started acting strangely toward me and suffered a heart attack.

One nite he totally freaked on me, I called 911 and while he was in the hospital they diagnosed him as psychotic and depressed due to the loss of our son, not to mention the cocaine use.

The psychiatrist warned me that psychotic people have to have a target and I was it, he refused to stay in the hospital and checked himself out. So now It was me and him , alone in a Big Million dollar home, on a hill. A home I tried to escape from many times and he would block at the end of the street with his car. One time I was in the garage hanging up my tennis racquet and he came into the garage and pinned me up against the wall.

I knew I had to get out or I would die. He blamed me for the death of our son.
I planned that I was going to leave and I didnt care what I left behind, a home that was a Million dollars in 1980, a private Tennis court, cars, vacations, olympic size pool, all the trappings. I packed a suitcase and waited for a chance to escape.

One weekend he decided to go to Vegas with his friends, this was my chance. I had a friend luckily that had recently separated from her husband,(the odds are great in Calif., lol) so I moved with her.
It was great for awhile, but one day I got in my car and was driving on the street and a tire blew, I went to the station to have it fixed and the guy at the station said all my tires had been punctured in such a way that if I had gone on the freeway they would have blown up and I probably would have died.

So, I moved again, this time into an apartment, hardly anyone knew where I lived, a few friends. LIved there a few months and I went to work one day to return to an apartment that was turned upside down, my clothes burned in a pile , my jewelry stolen, and a candle burning on top of an open bible. No need to say, I FREAKED , He had followed me home without me knowing. Then he came back that nite, got into the gate, told the mgr, he owned the building and proceeded to throw rocks at all my windows. Then took off.

I had to move again, this time I moved to a home, where I rented a room in Hollywood, (sounds like a movie doesnt it) with a cousin husband knew nothing about. I finally found a place where he didnt know where I was. I was finally safe there for a few years.

Then I heard he had returned to Canada to his family as he lost both businesses, the house, everything to his cocaine habit. He eventually died of a heart attack. I spoke to his brother in Canada and they put him in a home before he died, which he tried to burn down.

I tell you this story because its sounds outlandish and honestly , it happened so long ago, Its not at the forefront of my thoughts . This was a basically loving, generous man that turned into the devil. Does it matter why, Does it matter what are the workings of his mind. HIs objective was to get rid of me , because if he got rid of me, he thought he would be normal. This was told to my by the psychatrist .
What happened to me could happen to any woman, It was fortunate that professional people were involved to advise me. And he was correct in his assessment. From the first time my husband sat in front of that therapist and when the husband left the room, he told me , "Get Out". I didn't think twice.

Don't mess around with abuse, one slap or event and you should be gone, you cannot reason with it , play games with it, or figure it out.

With appreciation for my life
Bettina

I don't know.
I feel really ashamed and embarrassed, I only meant to post about how good it is that people are talking about the abuse cycle and sharing it with other people. I was pleased to see other women getting this information; I didn't want to talk about me so much lol.

Melly1248 wrote:

---

My reason is having absolutely no idea who I am if someone doesn't love me and tell me what's good about me.

---

 

 

Melly, a lot of the people here have this exact same issue.  It's a common co-dependency trait, and often goes along with having absolutely no idea what YOU want and what YOU need, because you are always focused on other people and dependent on them to validate you.  You are not alone!

 

Have you tried an "asset list?"  That has helped me tremendously.  When I was struggling with these issues a lot, I would sit down every morning and in addition to doing a "gratitude list," I would do an "asset list."  I would list three things about me that were good/positive, that DIDN'T have to do with other people (for example, "my friends think I'm funny" doesn't count.  "I'm funny" absolutely counts).  Sometimes the list was small, trivial things (I make great chocolate chip cookies, or I'm good at math) and sometimes it was bigger things (I'm a good mom).  When I listed something like "I'm a good mom," I would try to go into more detail about that ("I sit on the floor and play Barbies with my daughter" or "I am teaching my daughters how to cook").    An "asset list" might be a good resource for you to examine yourself a little more, and it's a good thing to have during "low self esteem days," so you can go back and remind yourself of all of your wonderful qualities. 

What started me doing this whole exercise (alanon and so on) was a list. I asked a friend (an old timer) from AA to help me "get well" and he said he didn't think I needed a 12 step, I just needed to leave but he said he would would try...so he asked me to write 20 things that were horrible about my life because I lived with an abuser and 10 things I had tried to do to control/modify/fix the situation. So I wrote those lists all night for several nights and oh my god, did I cry. And everything changed. I can't do anything now without remembering that it was on my list and I did it before. I like exercises I always did in school. So I'll do that now, here, if thats ok.

My asset list.
3 things that are good about me.
1)I love my child. I listen to every word she says. I tell her I love her every day. She will never wonder if her mother loves her.
2) I'm wordy. I'm clever with words. I can make people laugh or feel sad by painting a picture with words.
3) I have integrity. I wont do anything I don't believe in.

I read something in discovering choices today and just had this same conversation with another gal from alanon.  One of the readings I read talked about relationships in general.  One of them spoke about this person sharing the experience of what relationships meant to them.  He mentioned relationships to him growing up were cruel and judgmental; this is what he learned relationships were actually supposed to be: cruel and judgmental.  It caught my attention on a much deeper level as to what do I turn to in a relationship and how did I learn they were Supposed to be.  The other line read: I used to think relationships were a lot of hard work.  What I saw was relationships with the addicts and As (abusers in general) are hard work because we are the only ones in them.  We learned it was Normal at times to have one sided emotionally unavailable relationships.  There is Nothing Normal or healthy about this but when we've been surrounded by those types of relationships for so long, they become Our norm. We learn to minimize them and Accept the Abuse rather than the healing.

I get the powerless piece and the embarrassment with Not being able to walk away.  Regardless of what Anyone said; they didn't have the power to move Me forward in my Thinking until God decided it was time.  I couldn't listen to anyone but later realized I was always listening to something .. most of the time My own disease.  It was so loud in my head; I couldn't Hear anyone Else. I recently spoke with someone about my smoking addiction.  Want to quit so bad it's sick .. my behavior is just as shameful and selfish as the alcoholics.  I talked to a member there for an hour and said to this person; I just cant stop.  It's like these darn things are my best friends: I reach a point where I will say I'll quit tomorrow, I'll quit later to I can't quit; I'll be ok .. regardless of what My own Excuse was or is, this person replied by "That's all part of your addiction and disease." For a long time I was looking at my addiction (the substance) as the disease but it really hit hard when I saw My Actual Thinking is the disease and addiction; they are not separate, they go together.  The same is for us in alanon .. the Sick thinking (Our own) is what keeps us Stuck in our "thinking" .. Recovery is what moves us "forward" in our thinking.  Even if you can't walk away, are you doing face to face meetings? Bettina's post Truly struck home with me when she said "He wanted to get rid of me because he thought if he got rid of me he would be Ok" It hit home because I recently had a Huge spiritual awakening on how when others blamed me for the "Still using addicts chaos," I  didn't know they were blaming me because they Truly Believed that I was the problem and that if I was just gone and this person could use in peace, Everything would become more manageable?"  Insanity. The power of the negative beliefs in the disease is so crushing; we Truly believe somewhere we Deserve the cruelty and judgments .. Insanity .. but it's why it's so hard to change it.

I understand powerless to walk, I was there, but there is a difference between powerless and Helpless, we are not helpless because Help is all around us. There's no shame in sharing with us .. Shame meaning we think there is something wrong with us? Actually sharing is a sane decision.. though you may not hear something tonight, eventually u just might get the Strength and Hope you Need to not only walk but Run ... ! keeping you in Much prayer and mediation .. The disease only gets Worse, it Never gets better !!

 

www.youtube.com/watch

oh how i want to break free.

Yes Mellly PM me any time

You are so worth it

something that sounds silly (maybe) but when I started working on me. I had a hard time being alone...It made me sad. Ive learned how to be alone and be happy. I can read, play internet games. Watch tv (Im not a big tv watcher) Call or txt friends,play with my dogs...etc

I finally figured out ..its ok to be bored. Its no ones job to entertain me. Breaking free from the drama and argueing is so worth being bored. My AH does not like that I dont sit home waiting on him to "do his hobbies" I do my thing, Im my own hobby, me and my kids. Im working hard still ... watching him stumble around or try to talk and slur... irritates the crap outta me. ButI remind myself how sad it truley is and find something else to do. He really doesnt like the new me, it doesnt revolve around him and his moods. If he leaves ... Im ok with that becasue I have learned to have my own life even when I am bored. Trusting HP is big part of that.

I can love my AH the rest of my life. I cant put up with abuse or allow it around my kids. I do beleive you can love someone and not be able to have a relationship with them (esp when addiction comes to play)


Take care of YOU !

Finally brought myself to re-read this thread. I was feeling pretty awful by the end of it and couldn't bring myself to go back and read the responses properly until now. Thank-you all. I wasn't in a receptive mood at the time, obviously and ended up just turning off the computer and trying to re-group. But I've read and absorbed them now.

As a matter of interest, the "Stumblin In" link was there because I think the way Chris Norman looks at Suzie Quatro during the performance is really creepy and intimidating, and he looks like my A but with crazy 70's hair lol. It probably seemed an odd inclusion without an explanation. It just spoke to me at the time.

Then, as I've since posted, my dog murdered the neighbours bunny the next day. The A stepped up his game and got really nasty. That ridiculous argument about beers he bought raged on and I was considered evil for not drinking them and therefore making him jealous. (Pushing me to explode by arguing about something ridiculous, its obvious). I put the beer back in my wardrobe. I should have just tipped them out but I'm tired of not being able to have anything that I save for "when I feel like it". I cried for most of the weekend and felt to ill and confused to do anything. I didn't think I could still be so horribly affected by his crazy-making and gaslighting. Then came a big apology, then just last night, he came home and I had been crying, feeling dreadful and confessed to him that I was feeling lonely as hell living here with no friends or family and that it was time we talked about making some changes. So he sat and listened for 5 minutes or so and nodded sympathetically and gave me a hug and said "we'll work it out, I don't want you to be unhappy". Then he said "lets just cuddle up on the couch and watch tv" and then- "can I have some of those beers?". I said no, you paid them back to me now just forget about them". And that was it- he yelled at me, marched into his room and barricaded the door. Later he took the beers anyway and then told me he wants to break up and its my fault because I "went mental at him". I really never did, at all. I just said "no" to his request. He kept maintaining that I had "screamed at him all night". It's pure fabrication- gaslighting. I said barely 5 words to him all night and screamed none of them. He was just awful to me, saying that he never wanted to be with me in the first place, he just stayed with me because he felt sorry for me and I had no-where to live (what? he moved into my home when he was evicted...apparently I "begged" him to do that too against his will)...anyway it was really nasty stuff and complete and utter bull-crap. He implied that I am a weak and pathetic wretch who has been following him around and begging him to stay with him when he never wanted me in the first place. Then this morning, he was super-friendly and this evening, he was back to being Cassanova- and gave a wonderful and heartfelt explanation- he had so wanted to spend the evening with me last night but I had ruined it because he just wanted to have a few beers and enjoy being with me and I had behaved like a "psycho". Oh. Gee if he'd just explained that the first time....and then he referred to me as his "wife". Yep, tick the box, he's done that before at this stage of the cycle. We certainly aren't married.

So anyway the objective isn't to focus on him. Of course. I'm writing it out because I'm trying to see clearly how this whole cycle really does apply to us; he behaves a certain way, I react, react, react. When I first joined here, it was just after an "event" where he had smashed my laptop to pieces in a drunken rage (I had played music when he was ready to sleep). So I guess we were in the "honeymoon" phase and it was easy for me to manage and disengage when he was trying to "win me back". I felt like I was doing great. But my state of mind has deteriorated and I have become worn down and despondant as he steps up the abuse and swings back into abuser mode. That I have spent the last few days crying and feeling weak and hopeless is testament to that. It's foolish to think that I can manage this or live harmoniously with him because the harder I work to disengage and become happy, the harder he will work to dismantle it and push me back into my sad little codependant box.

So back to square one.
I feel bloody awful. At the same time, it's an opportunity. It was easy to disengage when he was being loving and attentive and "hopelessly drunk". Lets see what I can achieve while he's in abuser mode? If I can find a way to disengage from this and start to feel happy and positive again, then I'm on the right track. Our lease just expired and we have been asked to sign a new one. I've declined. I could scarcely believe the words were coming out of my mouth, but I said no. I'm not signing on for another year of this crap.
Hugz MIP and thanks for being there when things are ugly as well as when they're good