Thanks Cathy!!  Good reminder!!

 

Beautiful, Cathy, I could weep.

When my son was first arrested many years ago, the pain was so deep I didn't know what to do with it. I bought a bright red drum set, called a guy to see if he'd teach me, and decided I'd make music with my pain. The guy was about 30 years younger than me and was happy to take on somebody my age willing to learn. Unfortunately, I learned a few routines and he left to go back to his college, but those few routines were enough to help me do something with my feelings that was productive rather than just sit on them. The red drum set now just sits in my basement drawing dust - a reminder to me that when things get tough - I can always make music with the pain.  Interestingly enough, my instructor's first name was the same as my son's. 

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 3rd of September 2013 08:49:40 PM

Thanks for this Cathy. Food for thought.

 

 

Mahalo Cathy...that page was part of the journey for me also.  It helped me to understand that alcoholic anxiety, remorse, guilt, shame and others was also an indication of being "under the influence" of alcoholism.  It kept me from "going mad" by default when I could feel nothing else.  I use to read that page and leave it angrily with the thought "So what about me"?!!  "What about my feelings"?!! and then the solution to my question was the room and my sponsor who taught me that this disease is an "our disease" I affects everyone it comes into contact with and never positively.  "We become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic..." is part of the definition of alcoholism that we use to read before each meeting...and I came to understand "everyone is touched...everyone needs empathy and compassion" we get that compassion and empathy and understanding from those who have walked this path before us.  We will not ever get it as we would want to get it from the alcoholic.  It just is.  

We love each other more than anyone else ever has...so be it.  It works when you work it.   (((((hugs))))) 

Cathy: As a Mom, I don't think hurting inside is being sick. You are his Mom. You don't know the outcome. It is more than difficult to watch our kids suffer and not intervene. It is exquisitely painful because everything in us says we should move in - help - save them - rescue them and we have to say no to all of that.

Feelings are part of being alive and being healthy as a human being. It is what we do with our feelings that matter. It is whether or not we allow our feelings to run us as in I feel bad, therefore, I'm going to drink, hit somebody, get into bed and not get up or I feel good about this person I just met and they are homeless, so I'm going to let them live in my house rent free starting today.

It is true that as we progress, we are not caught up in sadness, fear, anger as much as we were when we first entered recovery because our coping skills change and also what was going on in our lives when we first entered the program that got us there in the first places changes. But, feeling what you are feeling right now as his Mom and as a person who has never been through this experience EVER is what you are feeling and there is no sick or well to it. We are feeling people as well as thinking. You aren't sick right now. You are a grieving Mother who is having a very hard time wrestling with all of this. I'm not saying let go of your program work. I am saying it is okay to feel what you are feeling and none of what you are feeling points to being anything but sick at heart to me who has gone through this as a Mom, too.

Hi Cathy This was an eye opening page for me too. I have worked hard to let go of anger and resentment and treat my AH with compassion. My compassion now takes the form of listening but not judging, not engaging when I feel uncomfortable, and generally remindimg myself that he is sick. Meetings and sharing with program friends help. I look back at how nasty I was to my husband when he was drinking. Yes, he was also nasty to me, so at the time I felt my reaction, yelling, criticizing, was justified. Now I can detach and let him sit with his own guilt and disappontment. I am so much healthier, and I am seeing positive changes in him too. Someone told me once that recovery is hard work. At the time i thought that meant hard work for the A, but now I understand how hard it is for the family too. Son or husband, it doesnt matter. We love them and want them well. Keep up your good work. Hugs. Paris

 

 

Sister when the alcoholic tells you to cut him loose, you cut him loose and let him fly...or drop or however he moves on and away.  It is how we learn to stand up, stand up steady, stand up steady and take that first step and then the next and then the next.   My Mom had to do that and she had to watch and hear the consequences of my bad choices and good choices and after she let go I loved that she never told me "I told you so" when I screwed up.  I loved it because I was free to own my life and work it out  and in the end I had the miraculous pleasure handed to me by my Higher Power to be the counselor...one important time...for my mother and step father as a married couple with problems.   You can think and feel that we are weak and that we need you and then ...we don't.  We know how to fall and skin our knees and bump out chins and end up in jail and still stand up.  You know how to also cause in the end there are only two differences between you and he...gender and age.  That is another deep study (I took it and worked it) and maybe for another time.  This time he has told you to let go...go about your business...he'll return when he is done.  

Take yourself out of his picture and get back inside your own frame.  Don't ever tell him "I told you so"  He might come home with things you need to hear yourself.   (((((hugs)))))