The material presented
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I have a question for everyone. How do you de-tach without feeling cold and alone? I am new at this but feel like de-taching is my way of saying "I don't care what you do any more". To me that feels like I am shutting a part of myself off from my spouse and makes me feel more alone. What am I missing?
Like in my other response to you - It's more like saying "Honey, you have a disease. It makes you suffer terribly and I hate that, but I'm doing my best to not have it make both of us suffer." That is not cold it's protecting yourself from being damaged by his disease not from him. Boundaries are not coldness...boundaries are put in place to keep us sane and save us from being hurt more than we need to be.
I have a question for everyone. How do you de-tach without feeling cold and alone? I am new at this but feel like de-taching is my way of saying "I don't care what you do any more". To me that feels like I am shutting a part of myself off from my spouse and makes me feel more alone. What am I missing?
Well , if ya word that as "I do care, but I cannot do anything to help you, so I am letting you learn your own lessons, pay your own consequences" it sounds more like you are taking your powr back
letting them go to learn their lessons is NOT being cold...it is the most merciful thing you can do b/c , like me, b4 recoery, I took care of, hid, made excuses for, etc. for my qualifyers....so THEY didn't get hit with the karma so bad b/c I was standing in the way of their lessons....
I only have my A brother's left and I love them, but I REFUSE , absolutely refuse, to meddle in their life lessons.....older bro. got drunk spent his rent money, and landlord was going to auction off his stuff....he called me to "tell me" about it and I did not offer him any help...he has learned by now that I wll not interfere in his lessons......tough love is the only way.....if they do stuff and "slam againt the concrete" hard enough, maybe they will reach out for help.....
detachment is to keep ME sane, to take care of me, to watch out for me b/c I am the only one I can help....I never cause a person to do destructive this....i cannot control their destructive behaviour, and I sure am not gonna cure them of their destructive behaviour....that is NOT my job....it is theirs....
so all detachment is, is yea, u love them, and hope for the best, but for me?? I take my hands off their lives and their lessons and let them learn the hard way if that is what it takes......it never was anything I could control.....all I did was give up the "illusion" of any control...
Holding them up from crashing only makes the pain longer and worse for both.....letting go and letting their God, may not do anything about their pain, but it sure will cut down on mine.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
When I detach it's not saying I don't care what you do. Instead it is more of I won't let your actions make me sick any more I have learned ways I can not take things personally. I have learned ways to not let his words and actions be my fault.
One thing I do is what I call the chair. If he calls me a lazy B**ch...or whatever I just look at him and tell myself that he just called me a chair. Just because he says something does not make it true. I know I am not a chair and those ugly words slide over my head. Another trick I use is something like the famous book the scarlet letter. When he is talking ugly I picture a red A on his forehead. the A is for alkie or addict. It reminds me his addiction is talking.....not he man I love...not the man I know is inside under the ugliness.
Walking away and saying you may be right. Walking away and telling him I wont argue with you right now...talk to me about this tomorrow. All of those things help me stay out of his stuff. Detaching with LOVe is what it is meant to be. That's not cold or uncaring at all. Those are all ways I detach. For me they have worked very well.
I remember one time I came home and he was very drunk. I yelled at him...YOU ARE DRUNK. then when I went in the other room I realized how dumb of me that was. He already knows he is drunk. I don't have to remind him. It just churns my stomach and makes me sick.
Once I got off of his back and let him feel th consequences of his actions without letting him get the reaction he was aiming for, he stopped trying to get to me.
Thank you Lin :) I am definitely going to use putting the big A on his head when he is acting out his isms. Very helpful suggestion :) and a different way to look at him
for me~ detachment is a ongoing thing. Some days are very easy and others not so easy. If I slip into my old behaviors I don't beat myself up, and every time I can detach from a behavior and have that inner peace and serenity,I congratulate myself. These are old behaviors, that have to be changed slowly. Its also progress not perfection. I may never be perfect, but I will just keep on working on myself and do my best in each moment.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
